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female
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*onfusedlondon
writes: So confused about break-up…I’ve just ended a relationship with a guy I’ve been going out with for four months, since November 2005. I’m 28, and I know four months doesn’t sound like anything serious, but we’ve had an extremely intense time and for much of the relationship, I thought I’d met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.When we met, we’d been emailing for three weeks, and in that time had exchanged 20,000 words of messages! I was so worried about meeting him in the flesh and felt sure I’d be disappointed. But I found him attractive (although, admittedly, not quite as attractive as I might’ve dreamed!) and our first date went really well. We both got a bit too drunk on red wine and perhaps said more than we should have, telling each other that we really hoped that this was going to be as good as it seemed. I went home that night feeling like I really might have found my husband.But quickly the doubts set in – I think when you’re that hopeful about something, you really scrutinize it. I’ve had two long-term relationships before, both of which I’d ended because I’d finally felt like the guys weren’t Mr Right – close, but not good enough. I was very wary about making a similar mistake with this new guy, so I was constantly asking myself ‘Is this going to work? Is that thing he does really annoying? What’d going to happen?’ It was like I wanted to either know it was great, or get out as quickly as possible. I know that relationships can’t be perfect immediately, but I was so afraid of getting trapped into the wrong relationship once again that I was unbelievably harsh on him, and on us as a couple – always finding fault and looking for the negatives.Of course, this put the relationship under an unbelievable amount of strain. My boyfriend was so supportive, saying he understood why my baggage from previous relationships had led to me behaving like this, and that he wanted to make it work. Also, much of the time, he agreed with the things I was complaining about!What did I complain about?Well, for the five months before we met, he’d taken a sabbatical from work and was trying to be a full-time stand up comedian. However, he’d let himself slide in that time, hadn’t put the work in on his stand-up and had spent a lot of time just sitting in his flat, spending his hard-earned savings, getting really unfit and eating pizza. When we met, he was very under-confident. He told me he was very aware that he didn’t look his best, but he assured me he was turning a corner. He was back at a new job by now and he said he was turning over a lot of new leaves, going to go to the gym, getting a haircut etc.Initially I trusted him, but he kept flaking out, not keeping his promises – and so I started picking on other things he wasn’t doing. For example, he never organized things for us to do together – it was always me that had to suggest and book outings and dates, and that really annoyed me. It was only a stupid little issue, and of course, we discussed it, and he said he understood and that he’d change, but, surprise surprise, nothing happened.After a couple of months, I was becoming increasingly negative about the relationship. I could see his (vast) potential and was so frustrated that he wasn’t pushing himself, not just for me or for us, but for himself. He still wasn’t working on his stand-up as he’d resolved to, he wasn’t going to the gym, he’d let his appearance go etc. and I was losing faith. On top of that, he has very bad eczema in his hair and on his face, which really depressed him, but he’d never been to the doctor about it. I’d constantly suggest that he went as I know how easily these things can be fixed with the right shampoos and creams etc. but he never got around to it.All these silly little negatives were starting to really add up into one big impossible relationship. I’d lost faith in him, lost respect. And then I started questioning something really big: his intelligence. This is going to sound awful, but I am a clever girl and need someone really together and driven, someone on the ball who’s always two steps ahead. If I’m with someone who’s not focused, I tend to get ahead of myself and will become unchallenged and bored. I feared that that was what was happening here.Although I know I’ve painted an incredibly negative picture here, we did have a lot of good times and we share an awful lot of similar thoughts about things. We made a lot of plans for the future together and, like I said, we both spent a lot of time thinking that we’d finally found our mate. When he was working hard at life and making an effort, my doubts completely disappeared, I gave him a break and we’d be really happy for a day or two – but then something else would go wrong, he’d disappoint me and I’d feel hopeless about us again.When things went badly, I’d often tell myself to stop being so fussy: that everyone has flaws and that I was being too picky. I worried that if I couldn’t make it work with someone as trustworthy, kind, patient and lovely as this guy, then I was going to be alone forever.But the problems kept happening – and when I told him about them, nine times out of ten, he agreed and said I had every right to be disappointed with him – that he’d change. Although that was a positive thing, in that he agreed with me, it was also a negative – I felt like he needed too much nannying, that he’d never be driven or motivated on his own, something I find very unattractive.Finally, about a month ago, I told him I’d reached breaking point. I explained to him that I thought he was amazing, that I’d felt that our relationship had a staggering amount of potential, but that it hadn’t been realized and that over time I’d lost respect for him. I said that the way I felt about him had gone into the negative score and that I could see no way to get it back into the positive.He was devastated but initially I stuck to my guns. I got home and tried to cope with being on my own, but of course all the good memories about the relationship flooded back. I spoke to him on the phone and he promised he would change. Eventually after a day or so, I weakened and agreed to give it another try.Of course, the same thing happened again, and now it’s culminated in another agonizing break up. We’ve both spent today in floods of tears, desperately trying to find a way that it can work. He swears that he really is going to change this time – he starts a new job in a week and says that this will turn a corner for him. He agrees that he’s failed himself and us so far, but he wants to get better. He is quoting examples of how he has changed so far: he has sorted out his eczema (not by going to the doctor but by cutting out using soap on his skin, something I suggested months ago…!), he has been to the gym at least once a week for the past month etc. etc. I appreciate that he is trying to change, but I also think that it’s too little, too late. When I took him back last time, I tried to wipe the slate clean, but really, I was still standing next to him with a mental clipboard, judging him and waiting for him to slip up and prove me right. Of course, no relationship can survive those negative expectations.I’m back at home, on my own, and am paralysed by all this. I have no idea what to do. I miss him so much and feel nothing but frustration and loss. We’ve been on Instant Messenger this afternoon and he’s still insisting that I’m making a massive mistake and that we will make it work.I feel sick about the whole thing. I feel like all the things I’m criticizing him for are so petty and ridiculous – that really, the core things like trust and kindness and love are there and that I’m just being absurdly demanding. There are so many things that he unquestionably offers me, security and love and amazing things – but then, on the other hand, I feel like I’ve been harsh on him for a reason, that deep down, if the respect had been there from the start, none of this would’ve happened. I’m also worried that I only went out with him because I wanted a relationship – and I am so paranoid about making the same mistake again that I’ve made twice before. All my friends are getting married and I don’t want to make the wrong decision.I think part of my problem is that I over-analyse things that don't withstand analysis. There is something deeply illogical about love and marriage and I'm trying to subject it to the forces of all my logical strength. There's got to be an element of faith, of ‘close your eyes, hold hands and jump’ about it - and I'm no good at that.I just don’t know whether I’ve done the right thing or not. I’m totally confused. He is convinced that he’s going to change – and although I know that he means it, and I wish more than anything that I could just wipe the slate clean and start again, I feel like I’ve ‘decided’ that he’s not the go-getting, together guy of my dreams. I feel like if we get back together, I’ll just be standing there with my invisible clipboard, waiting for him to disappoint me again – and of course, if you desperately search for failings, you’ll find them. Like I say, I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve had four months of disappointment and I feel like my opinions of him are too deeply-ingrained to start afresh. He’s been so sweet, saying he totally understands while feeling devastated. He keeps saying he wishes there was something he could say to change my mind – and I wish there was too – I just want there to be some magic cure. I just wish someone would say ‘He’s the best thing that’ll ever happen to you, shut up and stop whinging’. I hate the pressure!What should I do? I’m going mad. Have I made the right decision? The rest of my life is very stressful, I’m currently doing a full-time Master’s degree, many of my friends are abroad or out of reach for various reasons, and I have no idea what I’m going to do with my career when my degree finishes this September. I feel lost and hopeless. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2006): really that is excellent
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): Tough story sister! I wish you the best in whatever decision you end up making! Remember, happiness in life is the most important thing we can do for ourselves. I just started a Master's program too by the way. Where are you going and what are you studying?
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female
reader, confusedlondon +, writes (20 March 2006):
confusedlondon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi to Juliagulia!
The moment I read your post, I knew you were right. It's got to end with this guy. I've told a few friends tonight that it's over and they've been very shocked (because I'd always given the impression that this was IT) but when I've explained the real story, they've been very supportive. Ultimately, the respect has to be there - if I'm picking on him the whole time then it's over before it's begun.
It's just so hard to be single AGAIN! I feel like I am constantly learning to be on my own once again, and dealing with getting over someone. It's soooo painful, even when you know it's right! My last break-up was in December 2004, so just over a year ago, and I felt like I was just getting back on my feet when I met this guy. Now we're over and I'm back to square one. I'm so tired of being alone! I know, I know, it's better to be alone than be in the wrong relationship, but in a world where everyone seems to be married, it's hard to make the effort to be single, and get out there and meet someone. I've done it twice in the past 3 years, I don't have the energy to do it again.
However, I guess it's early days... At the end of the day, your advice really helped make my mind up, so thank you thank you thank you. Wish me luck!
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female
reader, juliagulia  +, writes (20 March 2006):
 Oh sweetie. I hear you about being concerned that you are too hard on people and looking for perfection in everyone where you won't find it. I, too, judge people harshly and they have a hard time meeting my expectiations. I expect my partners to also be witty, ambitious, etc. I had a few long term relationships that I ended because I knew he wasn't "the one". This sounds so like what I have said many, many times. But I have something to say to you.
You don't EVER have to settle for less than what you want. I questioned myself so many times when I let a guy go -- maybe I could have worked it out if he would just do this or that. You can't change people. And you can't change for someone, either. You don't need a project, some guy who would be just great if only he would.... etc.
What you need to find (and I swear you will) is the person that you can accept JUST the way they are. You may have little things come up that can be worked out here and there, but the overall picture makes you happy. I am 29, and all my friends are married, too. Last year, I broke up with my fiance, who I was with for 3 years. A few weeks later (quick, I know) I met someone unexpectedly. He is not ambitious - he works in a wine shop. He is not hilarious, in fact he is quiet. He is mostly what I would never go for. Yet somehow he is perfect and I have never, never, been so happy with someone. Sometimes Mr. Right isn't who you expect. But believe me, you will know him for sure when he comes along and a few months later you are amazed that you still don't question anything. Now I know that if I am overanalyzing and questioning someone, he isn't the one. Plain and simple. I know it is hard to be alone, and it may be easier to try to "work on" this guy to change for the better. But you have to fall in love with the PERSON, not their potential. Let him go and keep looking for your soul mate. He will probably not be what you expect at all, but you will accept him and love him for who he is, not for who he could be if he tried harder. Good luck, my european twin! :)
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