A
female
age
36-40,
*raemills
writes:I'm a 24 woman who has been in 1 relationship. I've hooked up with guys after but don't know how to go about seriously dating. Maybe I am still not ready (after almost two years?)...or maybe I just don't know what I'm doing. Can anyone give me some of their experiences or advice?Here is a brief background.I grew up pretty asexual in a strict Christian home.I went to college and no longer held the same beliefs as my family but still was fascinated in the idea of finding "the one"I had secret crushes all of my life but never dated or did anything about them... (often times I didn't even tell friends)I met this very persistant passionate writer.We weren't dating other people and never really had a "lets be exclusive talk", we just knew we were from the beggining. It wasn't till a few months into the relationship that I felt totally myself without nervousness.He was my first love and after 2 1/2 years we broke up.Since then I have seemed to use guys for an ego-boost, suedo-comfort or whatever it is. I have been with 7 guys since him and don't really make connections when I hook up. Some of them I have hurt because they felt something for me while I used them.I didn't intentionally set out to use people. It is just something I'm starting to notice about myself.I don't want to be intimate with men unless we have a foundation and connection. I don't want to hurt anyone either. I do miss a relationship.I don't really know how to casually date though. I have only either been right into a relationship or have hooked up. How do I know the difference between people who want to date for a relationship and people who want to hook up?Are there unwritten rules for dating? How can I date to end up in a meaningful relationship?How do I break it off with someone? ( I am awful at that)Why am I subconciously creeped out by guys who do ask me out on dates? :/Should I assume that someone I am dating casually is dating other girls casually at the same time? bla haha thanks for reading this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2014): You are seriously over-thinking the situation; because you haven't met someone who opens up feelings in you.
I was in a very long relationship. My partner passed away.
So there was a period of grief. Then came a period of feeling guilt when I did finally try to date. So, I decided to close down feelings of intimacy; and just like you, just coast along. I buried my feelings along with my dead partner; and just met people, but I didn't allow them to get too close.
Then one day, I met someone who really clicked. I mean I felt something I hadn't felt for a long-time.
One of our closest friends, and a colleague of my deceased partner, told me it was time to take the risk. So I did.
It was like learning to walk all over again. I was really on shaky legs. I was scared and I wasn't sure what to do. He was totally different from my previous partner, and others I had dated.
So you know what I did?
I let my guard down, and just took it one day at a time.
I just decided, I'd just relax and let my curiosity take-over. Just jump in feet first, and see what happens.
It only lasted 10 months. Nothing really horrible happened;
he wasn't ready for anything long-term. He needed someone to share intimacy, help him spend his money, and enjoy life.
It was bliss while it lasted. He had a dark creepy side.
He did things he knew I wouldn't be into. He dumped me. I went through the painful emotional process; and finally I let go. I've since recovered. I've lived to tell about it.
I know I will love again. Maybe a few more times.
The upside is; I realize that whatever was dead inside me was finally awaken. I can feel for people. No fear of loss, no fear of making a mistake; no fear of being rejected. I could allow myself to open-up. Accept intimacy, and allow myself to "emotionally" connect with another person. That was what I had to relearn. He had what it took to bring me back. I used my common-sense to maneuver my way through complicated situations; but let "emotion" handle that part that kept us connected.
I'll be ever grateful. I've recovered form the breakup. Otherwise; he was like therapy. He opened that door, and I took it from there. Now you try it.
Eliminate the concepts of a "soul-mate" or an "only one."
These concepts were created by authors of romance novels, Hollywood chic-flicks, and greeting cards. Industries that make money on phony love-concepts.
Just date any single nice gay who asks. He may not be "the one" for always; maybe just the one for now. Don't worry about his feelings or yours. If they happen, they happen; and if they don't, they don't. Don't sweat it. Politely excuse yourself, and let him know it just didn't work out.
Minimize the drama, and don't be sappy about it.
There might be a lot of "the ones" before you get there. You're only in your early twenties. You have a long journey ahead of you. Enjoy it! Stop over-analyzing the crap out dating. It's a recreation. Intended to be pleasurable; not traumatic before it even happens. meet a guy, get to know him, share some time, talk, laugh, and chill. Stop making it a relationship from the moment you meet. It's just an introduction and a little time hanging out. Keep sex out of it from the start. Wait until it feels right.
Stop using sex for bait. Trust that you're otherwise likeable. If you give it up too quickly, who's going to pass up the opportunity? Once they've had it, why stick around? Add some mystique and give him something to look forward to.
Just trust yourself. You actually do know what to do. You've temporarily shutdown that function, or put it to rest. It's not rocket science. Just be less analytical, and more sensitive. Keep heart and mind in sync. Stop thinking with your vagina. Stop trying to read a guy's mind; because you just may be wrong.
Maybe before you weren't ready to feel; but you wouldn't have written this post, unless you want to let someone be close. So be open-minded. Visible and available. Be approachable and receptive without prejudice. Welcome flirtation.
Allow men to come near you. If you happen upon someone single and eligible; you can initiate things. Ask him out.
Don't sit around waiting for things to happen. Make them happen once in awhile. You're an adult. take charge. Don't always take a submissive role.
If not sure what to do, just follow his lead until you can stand on your own two feet. Don't lean on him, just go with the flow.
I don't regret opening up; just because it didn't workout. Who knows how long I would have shutdown my feelings? I was denying myself two important and necessary elements that makes us human. Companionship and affection.
Open up and just let it happen. Your instincts will kick in, and you don't have to calculate every move. It will come naturally. Allow the guy to send you all the signals you need. He'll be the catalyst that ignites all that stuff you have bottle-up for so long.
Stop making the simple process of human-chemistry seem like calculus.
You're going off the deep-end with that crap about, if he might be dating other women. Seriously?!! Ask before agreeing to dating a guy. Check his ring-finger.
You're only dating. Don't open up a Pandora's box of what-ifs. That's getting just a bit nutty. I've got to be frank with you. You have to chill out a bit. That's where I have to pull you in. You're over-reaching.
Convince yourself that it's just dating. Experimenting and getting your feet wet again. Trying a new approach. You let feelings ease their way in. Wait for the signals and stay on the same page as the guy. Your mind is all over the place.
You're almost ready, but not quite there. Take your time, my dear. Just use a little common-sense. Don't let fear override your logic. Fear wrote your post. I hope my advice gives you a little confidence.
Guys creep you out by asking you to date? Oh, that's your self-esteem asking what do they see in you? Is it just sex, or what if he's going to try to start a relationship? The panic sets in! Been there too. You go out, have some fun, and you talk. Listen carefully, don't bring up your past.
Get out of your head and be pleasant.
I froze-up so many times and hurt guy's who really liked me. I do regret that. You will too, if you keep it up. You are killing potential opportunities that may just dry up. Then you'll be full of the shouldah-couldah-wouldahs! Why did I let that one getaway?
How about giving things a chance to happen, before worrying about how they're going to end?
That will make you sabotage things by self-fulfilling prophecy. Making things abruptly end; just so it will have a predictable ending. Not healthy. Been there and done that. We naturally want to know the outcome of things.
We want someway we can forecast how a relationship will workout. How long it will last, or if it will end badly.
If you remain too cautious, you will never find happiness nor a relationship that will work. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.
You want guarantees? Step in line, girlfriend. Get a grip on your fears. Allow yourself to live a little. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
I say that with conviction, and from experience.
Good luck! It'll be okay!
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