A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i handed in my notice at work last week because i split up with my partner and we work in the same place. i'm working until i'm replaced, which'll probably be 3 or 4 weeks now. thing is, i'm dreading leaving. i love my job. i'm especially dreading my last day because i'm terrified i'll end up in tears. i've only worked there for 3 years but i absolutely love it; it's the best job i've ever had- i'm an I.T. guy and people can get quite rude when their computer won't work and they don't know what to do but the people where i currently work are awesome. how do i get through my last day without ending up upset? i'm really regretting my decision now but i don't know how i could carry on working there and seeing my ex every day.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): thank you again. i think i've started spending too much time here just reading other peoples problems and ocassionally giving not really literate replies without making myself an account lol
i have a 6-year-old who has a scrapbook type thing he does with random bits of drawings and photographs and things. it's a lot more interesting than anything i could ever do and like i said, he's 6. and a half. i've never undestood why kids like the halves so much. I'm 33 and a half but I'd definitely rather be 33. i'm very good at ramblign about nothing in case you hadn't realised...
thank you anyway... i'll have to take a look at that site when i get around to fixing my computer so i don't get a billion error messages on 95% of websites. it's bad that i fix computers for a living and i can't even fix my own lol
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (6 October 2007):
 Wow! It sounds like you're really on the ball with things. I'm really happy to hear that things seem to be looking up for you. It's wonderful that your ex's sister will be able to look after the kids for a bit. It's also great news that you actually have a place to stay for a bit, too!
It looks like you're thinking more positively about this whole situation altogether, now, which is really good. All of this has happened so abruptly, it seems, and you've been able to accomplish so much.
It's also good that you've realized what kind of person your ex is - putting you down in front of the kids (putting you down at all!), causing scenes at work, kicking you out the way she has, and the list seems to go on. I'm actually happy to see that you're distancing yourself from this person. She seems like she could be very damaging. It's a good thing that you're a strong individual!!
Aww! Graphic designing and creating artwork in general is amazing, isn't it? There's no reason you can't get more into it, either. ^_^ Have you ever tried to create a graphic journal? I have a bunch - I just throw everything in - written thoughts, newspaper clippings, photos, ticket stubs, things I find on the street, coins... I made them when I was trying to battle my way through some tough times. It's a great release of stress and emotion in general through a creative means. In the end, you have a work of beauty.
I'm going to recommend you take a look at an artists journals (I found out about him while I made my journals, as well.) His name is Dan Eldon. He was a young photographer and documented everything through his visual journals. He ended up being killed at an early age - I think 27 - when he was stoned to death while on a documentary photo shoot. It's sad, but his works really are wonderful and inspiring.
Main site: http://www.daneldon.org/
Journals: http://www.daneldon.org/journals/index.html
Anyway, it seems as though things can only get better from here; a fresh start in all ways.
And please write back if you would like! If you register for an account - takes literally less than a minute and is free - you can PM me (but writing on here is fine, too!)
(PS - if you want to have better things besides take-out food, you should look at http://www.recipezaar.com/ It's my favorite recipe site and can turn anyone into a chef. lol ^_^)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): i wrote the comment below a couple of hours ago. since then i've started sorting my life out. i've phoned my ex's sister and she's agreed to look after the kids until i get myself sorted out. i've phoned my physio and left a message on their answering service telling them i'm not going any more- i've been going for years and i can't walk any more than i could when i was 15, it's about time i accepted i'll never properly walk again. i've been browsing through the property and job pages in the papers and i'm going to look at making appointments to view a couple of the houses and there's a job i fancy applying for. my step-daughters, boyfriends Mother- strange relation, i know, but she's a lovely woman- has offered me their spare room for a while too.
i've realised i don't need my ex. i'm a good dad, i love my kids to bits and i'm going to make it work- give them a stable home to grow up in. my ex's boyfriend is welcome to her. i realise now she always put me down- especially in front of the kids- and she just generally isn't a very nice person.
thank you very much for all of the advice. it's helped a lot to know that somebody bothered to take the time to answer me x
(i just saw that you're a graphic designer- i'm insanely jealous. that's all i wanted to do when i was a kid. i got in with a bad crowd and pretty much screwed my life up and i haven't done anything arty except my sons art homework in about 10 years now though.)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): my ex has caused a bit of a scene at work over other things before- so it's not really all that unreasonable for her to be told to behave. i'm originally from the US so i'm a lot more in touch with the laws over there than over here. i'd love to move back home but my ex would kick up a huge fuss over the kids- whether she actually wants to see them or not.
i get a lot of benefits at this job as well as it being great. i have to have physiothrapy a lot and they're brilliant about me taking time off to go. i eat take-out every day too- which probably ins't a good thing.
you've been plenty of help- i don't really have any friends so just being able to tell somebody about everything is a big help to me
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (5 October 2007):
Hi there anonymous,
Geez, that's a let down about the guy not really having a positive response to you wanting to continue your career path there. And I can't believe that he said he needs you both to behave maturely or you need to go. That just doesn't sit well with me - is that legal? I don't know much about working at schools, but is there some sort of HR department? Usually an HR generalist handles this sort of thing, or an ethics committee.
But I can imagine that if you have an IT degree and work at a school, you're probably being underpaid (at least that's how school positions work in the states.) Have you considered working for a larger company? Perhaps within the government or maybe even a defense contractor? The company that I work for pays its employees very well and there are all sorts of benefits - like every other Friday off! ^_^ Maybe it is good that you're leaving your current position. It may be time for you to move on anyway. (Although your lunch break sounds fun! Cake and take out that often!? Sweet! ^_^)
Moving on to your ex now. I know that in the some states here in the US, folks can have a common law marriage - that means that they live together a certain number of years, act as if they're married (financially, etc), along with some other criteria. Maybe they have something similar in the UK? I looked up "Common Law Marriage" on wikipedia and it says that in the UK it's not legally binding, but there may be another term that's used. You may want to look into it...
I guess if worse comes to worse, you could find a roommate to live with for a while - either a friend or in the paper. You could also look for a temporary cheap flat to rent until you can get on your feet.
It seems as though she should at least pay some child support, though. That would help you out so that you're not spending every penny on the kids by yourself - this way you'll be able to get a place of your own without having to share with any other adult (hopefully).
Sorry I couldn't be of more help!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): thanks. i spoke with the guy in charge about staying on and he didn't seem all too pleased i was reconsidering in all honesty. my ex is very short tempered and he basically said if we BOTH- i have no problem with this, it's just her really- can't deal with it maturely then they'd rather i leave than her. (being mature about it is a huge thing because i work in a school so it's not a regular office environment when, if you argue or anything, it's just adults listening in. it's a lot worse having a blazing row in front of teenagers) basically i'm just an I.T. technian- easy to replace to a degree- while she's a very over-qualified for the job she does teacher.
i'm still trying to figure out where i stand legally with everything since it's not a divorce, just us splitting up. i don't really want her money or her house or her posessions etc. i just want her to give me some time so i can find a place to stay with the kids.
is there anything legally as in... if you've been with somebody x number of years you're entitled to so much even if you're not married? i couldn't care less about money myself but shes quite tight with her cash so the threat that i could get something off her might buy me some time just to find a new house
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A
male
reader, mulla +, writes (4 October 2007):
dont giv up wot u love doing, trust me i was working in an insurance company and i was seeing a women i was wid her for 2 years but i worked there for 5 and half years but when we split up she had me assulted and due to that i had put my notice in, i was in the same bout as u i kept finking how do i get thru the day seeing her all the tym so i handed in my notice so i can be away from her and move on in my life. wot i fink u shud do is dont forget her wot ever u do but dont leave ut job just dont, try and be friends wid her if u quit ur job not nky u will loose her but a job u realy love, if u keep ur friendship alive with her u might win her heart back love does and cant stay way from love and before u know it she will be back to. u need to be brave and u need to think what you want, i fink u shud keep your job and make amends with ur ex, well neway i wish u all the best in whatever yor decison is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): thanks very much for both your replies, stina, take-out and cake sounds just like a regular day at work :D
she left me for somebody else and i'm looking after the kids full time. we don't have a home at the minute at all. we're in my ex-partners house still and she expects us to leave asap. i never thought she'd drop low enough to actually say she wants her own kids to get out of her house- one of the kids isn't even mine but i'm fine with her living with me because i've been with my ex for most of her daughters life and i love her to bits, as much as i love my own kids. (that's something else i've been wondering about- my ex's daughter is 16 and she wants to live with me, can anybody force her to go and stay with her own Dad?) i have a fair bit of money saved up so if needs be with can live on that for a little while until i do find a new job.
thank you for all the advice :)
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (4 October 2007):
Hello again Anonymous,
Well, that does change things just a bit. But I still think that it's not a wise decision to leave if you are already unhappy with your decision to find another job. It's very hard to find a place that actually has a good team of people working in your department. Most work places are filled with office drama, so you may not find a place that's like the area you're in now.
But it seems as though you would rather leave. And that's fine, too. You need to do what's best for you - in any aspect. So! How do you leave on your last day without getting upset? That's a toughy. I know, because I'm about to transfer to another department in my company...
What I suggest is making your last day a half day. In the morning, finish organizing the files you're leaving behind so that it's easy for the next person filling the position to become aquainted with the office and workload s/he'll be inheriting from you. You can also make sure to clean your area - dust, wipe down the computer monitor, make sure all personal files on your old computer are deleted (if there are any). The point is to keep yourself busy! Then, during your lunch hour, either go out or have food delivered to your area so you can have a last meal with all of your coworkers. Don't forget a cake - or at least some type of sweets! ^_^ Don't make it a party about you leaving, but rather a celebration that you're moving on and up. (Because chances are that you'll get a pay increase with any new position you take; at least that's what my experience has been.) That way you can leave on a happy note instead of a frumpy one.
Also, it's important not to burn your bridges, so stay positive about the company - you may end up coming back to work for them in the future! It seems as though they'd probably love to have you back!
Hope this post of mine has helped out more than the last one.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): sorry, i didn't explain properly before. she was my partner for many, many years before i started working there- we have kids, lived together etc for a long time- and before she started working there too- she actually started there after me. i don't have a new job yet so i don't know if it'll be incredible or not but everywhere uses I.T. nowadays so it shouldn't be too hard finding SOMETHING.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Slightly (ok very) different view for you here in that I had an office affair and left a job I loved because of it. However, now I wished I'd stayed because the job move I made as a result was ill considered, a 'reaction' of desperateion and I hated my new place of work - this started a chain reaction of bad job choices as I was forced to go from one thing to the next just because of the money. Even though the affair was secret I still hurt over the break up - I wish now I could have worked through that and been more adult about it and realised that my job was about me - not him. I think me and this guy could have sat down and talked about how to get through it. Running away (which is what I effectively did) did me absolutely no favours and I would say that in your case you are letting it get the better of you. Unless your new job is absolutely incredible and you'd have gone for it anyway then there is still time to change your mind - loads of people do this and there is no shame in it. In fact it shows greater courage if you have learnt from the experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I'm with the others here - but in future try not to get involved with co-workers, it can be a nightmare, as you've no doubt discovered.
Phil
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (3 October 2007):
Hello Anonymous,
Why are you leaving your job and letting your ex, of all people, dictate what you do with your entire future?! Please, please, please rethink this! You have a choice in this matter - it's not up to your ex. (And this is what is indirectly happening, even if you really don't want to realize it.)
If I were you, the first thing I do would be to speak with my boss. I would let him know what your current situation is, but that you are truly passionate about your career and you plan on sticking around. I'm sure that everyone will be thrilled to have you stay - it's so much nicer to deal with people who are really enthusiastic about their jobs as opposed to someone who just "has" to go to work for the paycheck.
Next, I would write an email to my ex and explain that while things may not have worked out between the both of you, you still expect to have a professional relationship at work. I would let her know that while it may be uncomfortable at first, you hope that the both of you can act in a way that's conducive to the your place of employment.
But I need to just say it again - DON'T leave you dream job, man! Do you know how hard it is to find a job that you actually love this much?! One year down the road, your ex will hardly mean a thing to you, but having a job that is not even comparable to the one that you have now will be one of the most important things in your life. Don't do something that you know you will regret.
If you're at the office right now, talk with your boss! If you're not, pick up the phone and tell him you're coming in for a meeting! And if your workday is over (I don't know your hours), call him first thing in the morning and tell him you need to speak with him asap.
You haven't left your job yet and you're already regretting it. Don't let your ex destroy what could be a happy future for you.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair +, writes (3 October 2007):
 You don't want to leave. Your boss probably doesn't want you to leave (hiring new staff is a nightmare, trust me).
Tomorrow, go to your boss. Explain that you broke up with your partner and acted on emotion. Say that you want to stay on if they will have you do that. I am 90% certain he will say that. All you need is to have the balls to ask.
Don't make this into a big mistake when it can be nipped in the bud now.
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