A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months now and I love him very much. We connect in a way I have never felt before.He and his ex broke up about 4 months before I met him. The problem is that she still calls him and tells him she cares about him. He tells me when she calls because I've asked him to be honest. They had a dog together and she got to keep him when they separated so he claims that he still lets her call because of that. She keeps asking him how I'm doing and how we met and if he thinks its going to last long. Everytime she calls he gets depressed and upset. Then I have to cheer him up and at the same time try and correct the situation. I've tried to be nice about the whole situation and told him I understand that he misses the dog and would like updates but as for the rest of it I told him I would rather he not talk to her or at the very least make it totally clear that he has no more interest in her. He says that its not in his nature to be mean. I don't feel like its being mean to commit to one woman instead of two. But I'm at a loss for how else I can handle the situation. I feel like as long as she is in the picture I will never come first, nor will we be able to be happy as a couple, because at least I know I won't. Somebody please, I need help!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Why don't you buy him a new dog, then the old one they had together will not be as important and perhaps he won't feel it's so important to get daily updates on how the old dog is doing. Everyone knows it's just an excuse for his ex to keep her foot in the door, whether it's invited or uninvited. She's playing games. He should wise up and start avoiding her calls. That's not being mean, it's called being busy. And if he tries it for a few months, she'll realize he has moved on and find someone else to talk about the dog with. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): I had 2 dogs with my ex, and he got custody when we broke up. We were together 5 years. I left him. He kept on calling me, and I did want to talk about the dogs. My curent husband (bf at the time) got really mad when I talked to my ex, even if it were just about the dogs. I had those dogs for about 1 1/2 years. I really loved them. It isn't in my nature to be mean either. I did tell my ex that my then bf got mad when we talked & my ex would always make me feel guilty. I honestly did not want to talk to him either. I think that you need to just give him time. He will eventually forget about the dog, not completely, but enough so that he doesn't feel the need to talk to her anymore. It is hard when you lose a pet, even in a break up. I stopped all contact with my ex about 8 months after we broke up. I know that sounds like a long time, but we had financial things to sort out, and it took a while. My husband still brings up the fact that I talked to him for so long & I do feel bad about it. We got a dog together & now we are happy. I do believe that after some time he will break off contact if he loves you.
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A
female
reader, xSarax  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 Why did they break up? Don't make yourself feel intimidated by her. I know your probably jelous because it appears to you that your boyfriend still has feelings for her. And at the end of the day, I hate to break it to you but he probably has if he's still in contact with her. Either that or he really misses the dog, but I'll leave you to decide that. But they broke up for a reason. And he's with you not her. You should definatly tell him that your not comfortable with the phone calls, how would he feel if your ex was calling you? -whatever the reason I don't think he'd be impressed, unless he trusts you 100 percent,(but we live in the real world)that will never happen with any couple.
It's not being mean telling your ex that your girlfriend isn't happy that they keep on ringing. And if it was purely about the dog then they should be just discussing 'the dog'. If she was a decent person she would back off and let you two be happy. If not it's time for some action.
Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Think about it- if the dog is young, you're in for anywhere between 10-13 years of this (until it dies). Do you want to be there for this? Maybe he needs to move on and forget about her and the dog.
He gets depressed when she calls- why? Is it really just because he misses the dog? Could he have feelings for her still? Was she the one who broke it off with him, or did he dump her? Why did they split? These are important questions that you need answers to if she is going to continue to be part of his life.
He made a mistake when he bought that dog with her- he committed to something beyond a relationship, it's almost like having a baby together (not quite, I know). They are connected for a long period of time now in mutual care for that dog. Basically, as long as he clings to that dog, he clings to her and he cannot abandon it- or her- unless both of them decide that the dog should be hers and hers alone, and he relinquishes any interest or responsibility for it.
If he wants to maintain contact with her and the dog, you need to decide if it's something you are willing or able to deal with. You're still young, and the relationship is short so far, so it is better to get out now rather than 5 years down the road if you decide that the situation is too much for you.
If he's upset when she calls for reasons other than just the dog, perhaps he doesn't want to talk to her either but just lacks the ability to stand up for himself and hurt her like that (this is, in a way, a good quality- you don't want a brute for a boyfriend). You need to encourage him to explore how he feels about their conversations, and if the misery is something he wants to deal with for the next 10-13 years... and beyond.
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