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male
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anonymous
writes: I'm just going to come right out and ask my question... I'v had sex about 6 times and haven't cum once... The last time she felt so bad that she gave me a handjob after intercourse and i didn't cum then. I don't know what to do or think. I feel really bad for her and I'm afraid something is wrong with me. My friend thinks it could be from too much masterbation and a pschological problem, but i really don't know. Please help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): I think that you're just too nervous to cum. I had this guy do the same thing. When we first had sex, he couldn't even get it up, then later he was having problems cumming. To tell you the truthe, I think that he was just too nervous because he couldn't believe he was making it with a hot chic, me! Dont worry, you'll later on feel more comfortable and you'll be able to cum with your girlfriend.
A
female
reader, annasweetie +, writes (31 May 2006):
I wouldn't worry about it just yet - me and my ex had sex around 10 times and he never came either. Usually it is a psychological problem, and it is probably an unconscious one. I'd talk things through with your girlfriend and try to explain to her what exactly the problem is. Hope oyu don't mind me asking but how old are you? And how old is your girlfriend? If she's not sexually experienced maybe she's not doing the things that turn you on. Are you definately physically attracted to her? Next time, I'd try something new such as a different position and allow her to explore your body so she knows what turns you on as well as you. Try taking it at a different pace perhaps, or buy a book on sex tips or research the web for new positions.Hope this has helped.Good luck, and don't worry :-)
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (31 May 2006):
 There's lots of reasons this could be happening, see if any of them sound like they could be what you are experiencing:
- Being nervous about performance: meaning you can't fuly relax and are worried about how 'good' the sex is, or worrying whether you can come at all. If this is the problem, you need to find ways to relax and be more 'in the moment'. Just try to switch your mind off and act without thinking.
- Being too much 'in your own head', thinking too much rather than feeling. You can end up watching yourself having sex rather than actually having sex. Switching your mind off and focussing on your feelings only can help. Sex is something we can do without analysing it whilst we do it.
- If you masturbate with a lot of pressure, then you may find sex with your girlfriend does not provide enough stimulation to bring you to orgasm. You need to lay off the masturbation a while if this is the case.
- If you masturbate to porn, then the intensity of the images (visual stimulation) may be more than your girlfriend can provide. As in, it might take more extreme images / scenarios to really turn you on than you get through normal sex. If you think this is the case I suggest you stop looking at porn completely for the time being, and if you do look at it, limit what you look at to relatively tame material. Google 'naomi wolf porn' for an interesting angle on this in the New York Metro.
- If you have had a religeous or very moral upbringing, you may have subconscious guilt or shame issues.
- It could be some kind of physical disfunction. If so, you'll need to see your doctor.
Good luck. I have had this problem on and off myself. I have found the most important step to solving it was to take away the pressure of 'having to come', and especially to make it clear to my girlfriend that it's not her fault at all, and that I still found sex very enjoyable the times without orgasm. You should also consider a therapist / councillor if the situation doesn't improve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): Thelast thing you should do is worry about it! I have been with many men before that having been able to come for one reason or another and the guy I am currently seeing is similar. I felt really bad about it and felt like he wasn't attracted to me also so just make sure you let her know it's not her. It sounds crude but I actually felt alot better (this was at the begining after about 4 attempts) when he told me he masturbated thinking about me when he gets home. We tried a few different things and he actually cums very quickly when I give him oral sex. So try that and work from there. Sex doesn't have to be the end of a session, think about starting with sex and going from there. Showers together also work great. But I assure you we overcame this problem when he stopped stressing about it, I stopped thinking it was me and we communicated and experimented. We now never leave the bedroom unsatisfied!!
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