A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so ive been besotted and in love with my teacher for 2 years. He is now my ex-teacher and we have been communicating online, via facebook and other things A LOT! Almost everyday, anything from a few minutes multiple times a day or hours for nearly a year since he left. There is a 15 year age gap. I haven't seen him for months but by feelings remain as strong if not stronger than before. However, my Real Question is... surely he knows that I like/ have feelings for him and there is more than meets the eye?Ive done a lot for him presents, being generally nice and here for him whenever he needs me. He appreciated this and likewise he wants to help me. He'd be blind for it not to of crossed his mind! So why, does he persist with me? He says we have a connection because of all the things we have in common. I feel like he makes me jealous, mentioning his girlfriend and past girlfriends and anyone else female hes met up with, as he knows it hits a nerve. Why be so heartless!! If he has any clue about how I feel? Im not sure I can face one day telling him the truth and him telling me he always knew, after the things he's said and done have caused me so much pain. Why doesn't he discuss this with me? They was he acts towards me - is making no sense. What is his logic behind this? Does he think my feelings will just fade.... or is he oblivious to them.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 You sound like a stalker.
I've been besotted and in love with my teacher for 2 years.
I feel like he makes me jealous, mentioning his girlfriend and past girlfriends and anyone else female hes met up with, as he knows it hits a nerve. Why be so heartless!! If he has any clue about how I feel?
Perhaps yeah i agree he is trying to put me off. However if he must have realised by now, i cant be put off!!
Recently he said " i thought you didn't give up on anything"... so why doesn't he know im Never going to give up on him!
He pretends he doesnt know, and i pretend i dont know he knows!!! - he can live with this. I can't.
Give up?! Ive tried, multiple times... he's become like an addiction, a need i cant get anywhere else.
I do love him, and i always made sure he wasnt at risk - believe me when i say i have this planned out should anything occur.
Hate to say I'm not your average girls teacher crush victim
He 100% didn't groom me, I wanted him more than anything or anyone. To me he was like something of fiction, too perfect in my ideal to be real.
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You sound obsessed to an unhealthy degree. I doubt he realizes the depth of your feelings. He talks about his girlfriend not to hurt you but to keep reinforcing that he is "taken." He sounds like a bit of a dolt, to have maintained this level of contact with you. A grown man in a position of authority over young girls will have many girls crushing on him, as Cerberus pointed out.
Let's say that this year, he gets married to the girlfriend. What will happen then? Will you finally absorb one of life's biggest lesson, which is that you can't always get what you want?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2013):
 OP if you are so sure that it's OK to be doing what you are doing
why not just ask him when you two will be together?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is NEVER inappropriate towards me. We joke and tease each other a lot, because we know what winds the other up! Im honest and harsh with him to be honest. But there is nothing dodgy at all - he wont/wouldn't allow it. He believes himself to be my "life - coach" in this. For me he's like a confidant.He isn't in the country... he is far far away now since he left my school. I have a flawless reputation at school, hard working, nice and trustworthy. He trusts me and I put my trust in him also, otherwise it wouldn't work. Im probably an expert on cases that have been on the news/media and caused disastrous consequences. Ive become very well informed on the whole subject matter, i read many many articles on it and from peoples own experiences/stories. I do love him, and i always made sure he wasnt at risk - believe me when i say i have this planned out should anything occur. Plus it isn't illegal for us to be communicating, he ISNT my teacher, Or at my school or country, also im NOT in compulsory education! (uni soon).My mother knows but only recently and shes met him once a few years ago at a parents evening (i didnt like him then - even as a teacher) she trusts my judgement. I wouldnt want her to see my messages however i wouldnt want her to see my messages to ANYONE let alone him, just because its private. Her seeing them wouldnt change her view of the situation,our convos are perfectly normal. Hate to say im not your average girls teacher crush victim - i know all about the obvious hints you described. Ive watched countless girls in my year flirt with him in ways that were certainly anything but subtle!! Harmless yes, but i found their words and actions sooo cringey, friends included.I observed this for about 6 months silently before ever getting to know him. I went about it in a very different manner, i was normal,interesting, easy to talk to etc.. You cant say it was obvious i had a "crush" on him, NONE of my friends, NO ONE ever suspected i actually felt that way. Im not stupid, if it was obvious rumours would start...investigations etc. I never told a soul while he was teaching at school, i made that promise to myself, i wouldn't expose him to that risk. I told a few friends when he had completely GONE, out of the country, when i thought it had all finished (i was unaware at this time we would remain in contact). They were surprised to say the least.It was clear we got on well,as i got more lax towards the end of the year and because we'd often be seen chatting but nothing abnormal. I always felt a big sense of "US" when we together around others, just a look and we knew what the other was thinking, comfortable with one another I suppose. He 100% didn't groom me, I wanted him more than anything or anyone. To me he was like something of fiction, too perfect in my ideal to be real. I find it sincerely Tragic that it's even considered abominable for us to even be friends in the future.(BTW he has NEVER suggested this!)He opens my eyes to life and I found a confidence in myself that never knew existed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): You want this from a teachers perspective? What he's doing is called grooming here in Ireland and it's highly illegal. It's state policy that teachers are not allowed to add students past or present who are still school age.
He knows you have a crush on him OP, that's why he likes talking to you for the ego boost and all that entails.
OP I teach history to girls and boys your age, do you really think we don't notice you longingly gaze at us in class? Your face go a bit flush when we say 'hi' to you in the hallway? That extra tinge of sadness when you answer a question wrong while trying to impress us by how "interested" in our class you're trying to act. You did that for two years and you're not sure whether he knows?
OP we can tell the instant someone likes us, I've had more than one girl crush on me two at this very moment in different classes I know that do and it's a lovely feeling it really is but I'm their teacher it would be exceptionally seedy and inappropriate for me to add girls I know have a crush on me on Facebook, I even have a 'teacher' Facebook account I set up to add my classes and even then I had to get special permission to do so and it has to be completely public so it can be checked.
He says you have a connection? That's a crock of shit OP, he's not allowed have this kind of connection with a girl your age. He's your teacher, he's in a position of power that he's not allowed to form these kind of relationships with students your age.
I know the UK OP and it's the same as here in Ireland his actions will lose him his job, he'll be blacklisted and if your mother complained then he could also be charged, plus The Sun newspaper and other tabloids just love getting their hands on guys like him.
One quick question here OP and this should tell you whether this is right or wrong, do your parents know about this relationship? Would you have any problem showing them his messages to you or telling them that you have a man friend who is a teacher and who "wants to be your friend"? If not then this is 100% wrong. If they know about it and are okay with it then forget everything I said except the part about him grooming you. OP life isn't like Dead Poet's Society, we are allowed to give after hours help to students, we are allowed to pay extra attention to students but it has to be in the full knowledge, compliance and with the permission of the school and your parents, if that's not the case in your situation then the guy is not your friend, he's grooming you. He likes the attention, he likes being your saviour and frankly I hope one of your parents or someone from the school board catch onto what is happening because I don't thing this guy can be trusted with kids because he's crossed that line OP.
We're teachers, not friends, we're not allowed to form this kind of relationship with our students especially ones we know have crushes on us. It doesn't matter whether he's not your teacher anymore, and it doesn't matter if you didn't get together until you were forty if they get any hint that he started a relationship with you, even as friends at the age he did then he will be ruined, because it's called grooming OP and we;re not allowed to do it. Fair enough if you were 21 and he just bumped into you magically and that's when this all started that would be fine. But this guy is preying on a teen who has had a crush on him for years, how in the hell you think that's innocent or him just helping you is beyond me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2013):
OP here where I live a woman teacher just got arrested and lost her job because in 2010 she had contact with a student... when he was 16. She was inappropriate in texts with him.
she waited till he was 18 to be sexual physically with him but it still DESTROYED her life and her career.
Is that what you want for this man you say you love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith all due respect. You dont know me or him. Please dont patronise me with the difference between LOVE and a CRUSH. Infatuated - i can agree with (just). I know more than he lets me know,... I know more than i should do by a long shot, even when he was at school. The Grey area isnt how he feels... i know he doesnt feel the same way, im only 16! If he did, he wouldnt be the man i know he is. Its grey because we struggle between us to know what is and isnt "right" and "appropriate" in this situation. Ive never spoken to a teacher online - and Never intended to! Even when he was leaving - I honestly didnt want/plan to add him on facebook. But i was so upset when he left, when he ASKED me to, i couldnt resist. Likewise he's never had this with an ex-student. He can see my frustration with the barriers, of him being my former teacher, and tells me not to take its personally because it isnt me. Give up?! Ive tried, multiple times... he's become like an addiction, a need i cant get anywhere else. I stand to loose a lot if i deleted him, he's helping me with my future i suppose. Its been 2 years, in a years time, I will be a legal adult, how old and how long must i feel this way to be taken seriously...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay,... so for arguments sake lets say "he knows". I could agree, but its just the things he has said are so hurtful, and cause me so much distress I cant believe he'd do that to me on purpose if he knew how I felt! He's told me he cares about me, and we have both acknowledges that his type of relationship is anything but normal, but because its "us" and we trust one another, its fine. Perhaps yeah i agree he is trying to put me off. However if he must have realised by now, i cant be put off!! Recently he said " i thought you didn't give up on anything"... so why doesn't he know im Never going to give up on him! I love him. I asked if he was jealous about something once to do with me once, and he said "you wish"! 0.o this was a big clue he knew. My confusion is that if i was him, and a student liked me, i could confront it with them and go from there. Instead he doesn't... i pretend i dont have feelings for him, He pretends he doesnt know, and i pretend i dont know he knows!!! - he can live with this. I cant. He never looks at it from my point of view. There is so much grey area where we stand with one another. :/
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
He's not mentioning his girlfriend to make you jealous.
He mentions his girlfriend to let you know that he has one and YOU are not in the running to be his girlfriend. Clearly he knows you have a crush and he's trying to make it clear that it's ONE SIDED and NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU just don't want to hear it....
He's pointing out to you, in the softest kindest way he can, that you are slotted in his life as a former student. He may like you as a person but he does NOT see you in any way as a romantic partner.
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