A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. He told me that he wanted to see me today at first. He was supposed to see me yesterday. He didn't send me a message yesterday though. He wrote to me today and told me that he had a cold yesterday, and he said he was crying yesterday because he missed me. He said he wanted to see me today. I replied, asking him what time he wanted to meet, and said I missed him too. He replied saying that he doesn't want to see me, and said he wants to stay at home feeling miserable. Then he wrote happy christmas, and went offline. So, I'm assuming he isn't going to see me for Christmas. I think he is being really selfish. I have had a terrible year. My pet cat, who was 16 years old, died in March, and them my Uncle was diagnosed with Cancer in May and he died in July. Also, my grandparents haven't been well either. How could he be so selfish?. What should I do ?. Should I just not contact him and see what happens ?. I suppose we will end up breaking up anyway when he does contact me again. Should I tell him that I think he is being selfish ?.Should I block him on facebook ?. We usually contact each other on facebook.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 December 2013):
 I think you are being 100% unrealistic about him and your expectations OF him.
If he really IS bipolar and on med (or not on meds) HE ISN'T going to be like a guy who ISN'T bipolar. Their brains don't WORK the same way.
You are having all these expectations of him that he might NEVER be able to fulfill so instead of feeling slighted or HURT, mad, annoyed with him. END it. HE CAN NOT give you what you want/need.
The thing with bipolar people is you NEVER know what you get, one day to the next. Even when on a good set of meds they are NOT as predictable and "average" folks.
You do not need anyone's approval to end it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): You really shouldn't ask for advice if you aren't planning to use it. People have taken the time to offer you honest and heart-felt advice. Which is for your benefit, and the benefit of others with similar cases.
I too, recall a post too similar in content, not to have the same author. If I am mistaken, please forgive me. In any case, I will give you advice that isn't easy to swallow.
You are not dealing with your regular boyfriend. You are dealing with your boyfriend in a poor state of mental health. He is not well, and he is not in full control of his feelings or judgement.
You are fixated in his mind; but you are also a tool and a toy. Something that he comes back to to milk for sympathy and manipulate; because it gives him a sense of power over you.
He wants to hold you in the same place. That dark place where he is. At his disposal during lucid moments. Then he retreats as soon as he knows you've taken the bait. He gets a twisted pleasure out of inflicting pain, and leaving you to handle it on your own. This darkness is related to his illness. It is a pattern he will repeat. Until you are are broken.
You must leave him flat and cold. No lollygagging around, ifs, ands, or buts. You will make no progress with his illness. You are wasting a lot of time, and you yourself are starting to take on some of his mental incapacity.
You are wearing down under the pressure. You are not abandoning him. You are preserving and protecting your own mental-health and state of mind. He is not able to handle a relationship at this time; and does not have the mental facilities to be reasonable, or practice good judgement.
He is only capable of inflicting emotional abuse.
So your remaining in this relationship is proving more futile by the day. Are you looking for someone to egg you on and say "stay?" I won't. Are you happy with just having people tell you how "noble" you are for sticking by his side? Not me, at this point. It's becoming a burden and self-torture. Therefore; it is no longer noble.
The fact that you're here is proof you have ignored advice previously given. Be it here on this site, or from the people in your life who love you. You have succumb to weakness by clinging to a destructive relationship. You ignore your inner-strength and wisdom.
Which told you long ago to leave this man. He is too sick.
He may never recover well enough to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. You are free to move on and find someone else; when you are emotionally-repaired and able.
Do not feel guilt for completely shutting him out. Do not take responsibility for his survival. Your support is of no use to him now. It is draining you. The only way out is complete and abrupt "escape." Don't look back!!!!
There are professionals and his own family to see to his needs. Your missing him will start to change, when you come to the reasonable conclusion keeping him in your life is nothing but pain and emotional distress.
You can no longer handle it, my dear. If I could offer you a shoulder, I would. It's a hard decision to make. Your own survival and well-being is just as important.
I am so sorry about all your losses. Give yourself time to grieve and let him deal with his own problems. That has taken it's toll on you. You have me on your side, and giving you tough-love that will hopefully help you to see the bigger picture.
Holidays are approaching. Spend time getting reacquainted with your family and friends. It's been a long and strenuous journey; and I think you need their love, and the rest.
If you still have your mum, and she is there for you.
Rest your head in her loving arms, and let it all go. That is a proven remedy for a lot of pain. Draw from your father's strength. He will help you to see logic over the emotions that dominate; when your heart is too stubborn to listen to better judgement. Parents and family are built-in support-systems. Use them!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): I think it might be best if I don't contact him and wait until he contacts me, but the problem with that is that when I don't contact him, sometimes that makes him angry. What should I say if he asks why I didn't contact him ?. Should I just say that I was waiting for him to contact me ?.
Also, sometimes, he says things like what he said today to get me to go to his house. I don't want to go there unannounced though, as I don't know how he would react. I feel like I cant win. If I don't pay him enough attention, he doesn't like it, and if I pay him too much attention, sometimes he doesn't like that either.
I hope he is telling the truth about staying at home on his own for Christmas. It will hurt me if he goes too long without contacting me. I really wanted to spend Christmas with him.
iamheretohelpyou, yes, that was my post too, so as you can see, he did this on our anniversary too. But, I did go round unannounced then with some presents and a card. It will break my heart if I end the relationship, but I cant think how we can fix things. He is isn't on medication, and he wont help himself. I have tried my best to support him. I don't want to break up with him in a message on facebook though. He has broken up with me in a message before though, and then we got back together. Christmas will be difficult enough for me this year, and this isn't helping. I have been crying a lot today.
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A
female
reader, 123Peterpan +, writes (23 December 2013):
I hate to say this, but you NEED to break up with him unless you're prepared for the emotional roller coaster that will follow. Mental illness is hard and if you're not emotional ready for that journey, well then you need to get off. GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. You don't seem ready. Just tell him that you love him, but you need to work on yourself. Bipolar is tricky and the consequences of you exiting this relationship maybe emotionally, mentally and physically damaging, but in the long run it is better.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 December 2013):
It's not about him being selfish. It's about him having a disorder that affects his mental state. He can't realistically feel the way that you want him to, he can't really understand what you're going through, and he won't suddenly change.
Unless you really, really understand bipolar, which can cause totally irrational behaviour, then it's probably not best to date someone who has it.
I think it sounds like you've had enough of this anyway, given that you're talking about it ending. And I think that's probably for the best in this situation. I don't think this man can be what you want or need him to be, and if that is the case, then he's not right for you.
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