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female
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*ittleb
writes: Hi, I am a bit confused with myself as i keep thinking that my boyfriend is cheating on me in my head (but in my heart i dont believe he would)! I have grown up around women being cheated on and i dont know how to handle this as sometimes my mind runs wild and i cant stop thinking horrible things (when my boyfriend is at work i speak to him on the phone and my mind just starts to have visions of him sleeping with someone whilst talking to me) I know this is mad but i dont know how to control it and it is affecting me at times as i go distant on him because of these thoughts (it affects our relationship too). I dont know why i keep thinking this and i want to trust him but i dont know where to start!thanks
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (28 November 2006):
 Little B,
I can't imagine how you cope living with these thoughts all the time. It must be hell thinking of your boyf sleeping with someone as you're talking on the phone to him. I'm sure it will be very damaging to your relationship in the long run. These uncontrollable thoughts are irrational and paranoid. I wish I could gently sweep them out of your head for you. But I doubt that anything I can say will do that. However much I told you that there are men who don't cheat, and that you need to trust your boyf to give your relationship a chance, and that having visions of your bf cheating isn't the same as having evidence, I'm sure it wouldn't take away your troubles. This is quite deep inside you, right?
Perhaps one place to start is to talk to girlfriends who have loyal boyfriends? do you have any friends in good, faithful relationships? spend more time with friends like these, for whom faithfulness is normal, so it might slowly feel more normal to you.
Another place to start is getting help from your boyf himself. of course, don't let him think that you think he's cheating!!!! that would be a disaster. but something like, "i know im being irrational, but all ive known is men that cheat, so i get stupid ideas, it makes me miserable, im not blaming you, i just want to change." If hes considerate, he will to ensure he at least doesn't aggrevate the problem.
Another place may be some psychiatric help, you could be given ways of stopping that mind running wild, maybe simple things even like every time you catch yourself imagining bad things or going distant on your bf immediately trying to think of something else to pull yourself out of it. Or some hypnosis might work? I don't know much about these things but you could at least consider these kinds of treatments. Do a bit of research on the net?
Btw, did any of the women you knew as you grew up ever find a faithful partner?
Sally
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