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female
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anonymous
writes:HiI am 35 nad have a fabulous 5 year old boy. My hubby is great too, but unfortunately his mother is like every bad stereotype of the bad ma-in-law there is! She throws strops about anything and everything, she managed to ruin our wedding by promising some financial support for our party and withdrawing it last minut so it had to be scaled down at the last minute, because (she says) a tax return had come in. But less than a year later she is spending 8 grand on her daughter's wedding.If we have a disagreement on the phone she rings my husband (even when he is working away) to tell him what an evil cow I am even when I haven't said anything inflammatory! She does everything concerning the care of our child opposite to what we ask. My hubby doesn't speak to her so I am the "go-between" to facilitate her seeing her grandson (who she lets down at the drop of a hat)I want to cut off all contact with her but am concerned it will affect our son. My husband is fully supportive and knows what she is like. This by the way is only the tip of the iceberg and I could write on what she has done to us for hours....what should we do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let people know, I have now cut off all contact with my husband's family and while life has been a little difficult things are beginning to look a better. The atmosphere has changed and our arguments have reduced. Thank you all for your advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who replied. I actually thought I was being perhaps a little oversensitive to her comments, but I am going to get more of a backbone and stand up to her.
The very sad thing is I would have loved to have had a ma-in-law I could have been friends with. But thats life isn't it?!?!
Thanks again x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): Sigh...what a sad situation for you and I am sorry. Family unity, support and love is crucial when we have children. Kids need their Grandma's so I understand your dilemma. But when Grandma is a toxic, dysfunctional person, you need to protect your family, as well.
When it comes to family members, such as your mother in law, who is behaving badly....I have a rule of thumb. If she is causing you and your husband trouble, then I think you should tell her how your family feels, but in a calm, mature manner. Give her a chance to understand what she is doing (so she can learn from this...hopefully) If she refuses to stop, then you protect your family unit by stepping away from her and limiting your contact. Your husband and immediate family come first. The best you can do at family gatherings afterwards, is a polite distance. Her behaviors is not about you. It is about her. As for your son, he will not benefit from Grandma acting out like this. I would leave the door open however, if she 'chooses' to make positive changes..then perhaps you can gain a renewed closeness with her. The ball's in her court. But your first priority, is to protect your child from possible harmful effects of anybody who poses that threat. I wish you well and good luck. Take care of you and your family.
Hugs Irish
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 January 2006):
 Firstly, if she doesn't follow your wishes regarding your child then I would not allow her to be alone with him EVER. And you should tell her why.Secondly, if your husband doesn't want to deal with his own mother, then you certainly shouldn't have to. Thirdly, if you want to cut her off then do it and tell her why. She may clean up her act if she knows she won't be able to get away with her bad behavior.Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): You have to learn to be assertive, she sounds like she is using your politeness too much. You have to learn to say no on the phone in a businesslike manner, disgus times in a businesslike manner and to say I've got to go now thanks for calling in a businesslike manner. if she keeps on talking, say thanks thanks and put the phone down as if she had heard what you were saying. She will probably be used to people not wanting to speak to her much on the phone so she'll know it is her being rude.Discuss times appropriately, and allow her perhaps to come and take out your son for the day so that she just picks him up and drops him off.Tell her that you are very particular about not being late more than half an hour and if she gets times wrong, get your own times wrong and the out when she is supposed to visit perhaps.You have to learn to ignore these people and not confront them or anger them because they don't understand. Some people are full of problems but also feel very paranoid. You have to learn to deal with these people by reassuring them and accepting all their ugly sides, even if at first it confronts your pride and your patient a lot more than you are used to.Don't get emotionally involved with overbearing people that have limited social understanding. deal with them over and above the call of your feelings .
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