A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Let's start at the beginning of it all, shall we? (This'll be long, and complicated, but the background story is needed for you to possibly be able to answer the question because it really is complicated. Either bear with me, scroll down to the third paragraph from the bottom(beginning with "What the"), or push that little "back" button in the top corner.)I went to a Halloween party at a friends house last Halloween. As usual I went there the day before to place dibbs on a bed and be a little social with the others who also usually arrived a day early. It's kind of a tradition. This guy("E" from now on) also arrives later that same night, and finds that I've put dibs on "his" pullout-couch. I do a splitsecond decision and says "we can share the couch, no problem. It's big enough for the both of us anyhow." Later I decide to get to bed early and I'm almost asleep by the time he joins me. After some shifting around I almost fall asleep again...till he starts carressing my cheek! I grow curious, but continue to act as if I'm asleep while my mind diggs for information about this guy and stuff I've heard about him from before.I didn't know him well personally at the time. For one, he's 21 and I'm 18, + we live in different cities, my social circle was rather limited at the time, and I'd only occasionally seen him at parties and some other events and such. One thing I knew for certain was that he was a "player"(basically fucked most of his girl friends and many more). Every time I saw him he'd have a new girl/harem around him, and he had the attitude.Then out of the blue, still believing I was asleep, he kisses me. I freak out mentally. Till now he hasn't shown any sign of being interested, and just the month before I'd attended an anime convention dressed in a rather skimpy costume(the skirt was shorter than short). Not to mention that I've never really been sought after by boys before so it really was a shock for this womanizer to kiss me, not to mention in my sleep. I don't get much sleep that night, being too tense and wary of E to dare sleep.The next day I end up flirting a lot with him and most of the other people at the party. It's also a tradition of some kind, and everyone knows it's just for play. I also grow closer to another guy, R. He kind of had a similar aura around him as E had, also 21 years old, just slightly different, more withdrawn, and me being the foolish idiot I am notice that I'm crushing on someone. Being drunk and completely clueless as to who I'm crushing on I talk to one of my closest friends about it which ends up with me breaking down crying and E conveniently being there to comfort me. About a month later I enter a distance relationship with R(he lives 5 hours away by train, and trains are /expensive/ here). I thought he was perfect, and it seemed perfect; we complemented eachother so well.(Even our zodiacs were almost 100% compatible! /and/ my parents consented to the relationship!) It lasted for 3 months and ended with us both agreeing to break up because we're both too busy and don't want to be tied down next year when deciding out future school/work.E is one of the first people I tell about the break up, as, for some unexplainable reason, I really trust him. Again he comforts me, and we discuss the relationship I had with R, helping me get over it. I realise that maybe what I felt for R wasn't really love, but a slight obsession/infatuation with him, which explains my rather dull reaction when R told me we should break up. Later that night E tells me he cares for me a lot and "I was kind of hoping your relationship'd last, but from my point of view it was rather onesided..." It made me think.In the two weeks following the breakup I spent a lot of time with him working on a major event that our circle of friends had gathered to do. I got to know him a little better and everything was going well. We flirted a little back and forth, shared a bed a couple of times(nothing happened, just sleeping). I mostly did it because it seemed natural; I'm cuddly, it's how I am. Someone flirts with me, I flirt back, unless I don't like them at all or feel awkward.There's none of this awkwardness with him though. Everything just comes naturally when I'm with him. Even when I ended up having sex with him the week after the event took place. Everything just clicked. There's just one tiny problem left that's nagging at my brain.What the hell do I really feel about him!? I've given him my virginity, I trust him with my life, I'm willing to do anything he asks for that's within my ability to do, /but/ I can't seem to decide wether I can trust him with my heart at all. In the very back of my head I still see him as a "player"(they all say he's a really nice "player", and makes sure to tell the girls he fucks that there's no feelings involved, but right now I'm not so sure anymore), and I'm kind of scared. He's told me he really cares for me several times, which only makes me even more confused as to what to think. He's also told me that "love" is not a word he'll use unless he truly means it with all his heart.Not just that, but I've heard that girls often fall in love with the guys they have sex with...is this true? Maybe this is the case here? What do you think?It may be a little too soon after the breakup with R too though...and I know I need some more time to mull over this dillemma, but I do believe I need some outside advice while I try to work it out.Would be lovely to get a replyThanks in advance~ConfusedKitten
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crush, drunk, flirt, player, womaniser Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 You are simply young and probably have been taken advantage by your player friend, and I'll just stand by my original reply. Still, I must express my personal appreciation for a number of young women in the 1960s-1970s, although my interest was mutual enjoyment by consent, with girls I truly cared about, rather than any sort of unrestrained sex hunt. Well, mostly it was meaningful, though not always, yet always mutually enjoyable.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 March 2011):
 No, friends with benefits will not work. It WILL. NOT. WORK. He still gets what he wants - he still wins - and you still hope that he'll come around, fall in love and change his ways. He won't. You will just get deeper and deeper stuck, and your heart will break even worse.
You need to break from this guy completely. You can only have friendship when you come to understand and embrace the fact that he is a 100% scum bag to women who you have 100% no interest in being with.
You have said it over and over again - you KNOW that this is unhealthy for you, you know it's toxic and you know you should know better. So you need to do what is best for you. You need to step outside yourself and act like your own parent, or guiding force and completely split from this fella. And then you get hop back into your own body and mourn the loss, get over the break up and adjust to life. Life will move on. There will be other guys. Way more worthy guys.
I'm holding my handy psychology textbook and here are some statistics: 40% of sexually active 15-24 year olds who are HIV positive have not disclosed their status to their partners. 20% of men said that they would or have lied about their status. That is 1 out of every 5 men. I don't know if that makes you as sick as it makes me, but...
And also, men often don't show symptoms for many STI's. Unless he has been to a doctor between the last girl he fooled around with and you, he has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA if he is clean. He may say he's clean because he "feels" clean, or just because he's a slimebag who will say whatever just to get you in the sack. He doesn't even need to try hard. All he has to do is say, "yeah, baby I'm clean" and you're cool. But here's the thing - your LIFE is in danger. Your fertility, future and quality of life are at stake. Many STI's have no cure and you will be stuck with a lifelong affliction, all because you trusted someone who you KNEW you shouldn't have.
I only go on and on because I care. I really do. Some of my girlfriends get into these situations and it kills me to no end. I have 4 in mind, specifically. All who have just trusted the guy, who have been willy-nilly with protection, who have been played by guys they know are players... two of them have revealed that they got a transmitted disease. One of them, I can't be sure... she's pretty private. One of them has simply gotten lucky.
But STI's do happen to real people, people like you. You are just as much at risk as everyone else.
This guy is just no good. You know it, I know it, he probably knows it. Do what is right. Best of luck and keep us updated!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@DoubleM: I've concidered this, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. Btw, E's not my boyfriend.@TasteofIndia: Thanks for the insight. I need the criticism to lift this stupid veil of infatuation(I bet it's infatuation). The questions you pose are exactly the ones I've been trying to find answers to. I know I'm in charge of myself, and so I'm trying to figgure out what I want here. I'm very aware of the fact that I'm too trusting, if not exactly naiive, so yes, I do infact trust him completely when he says he's clean; I just don't know /why/ I do.(I've checked out the link you posted, will take a closer look later, thanks.) I've been trying my best not to fall for him, and will continue shieling my heart if that's needed. If I don't then the only thing I can do will most likely be to avoid him, but I still want him as a friend at the very least. Will "friends with benefits" work or should I scrap the idea...?
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 March 2011):
Oh, this might help:
http://std.about.com/od/riskfactorsforstds/a/oralsexsafesex.htm
Stay strong & healthy!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 March 2011):
It sounds like you are letting yourself get played, love. Why are you letting him do to you what he's done to so many other women? Why are you sleeping with him when all his harem has done the same, and to you those girls are essentially fucked and played and left in the dust. He seems like someone who takes advantage of vulnerable women (or at least ones who his charm works on), you seem to get that... so then why would you let him willingly get what he wants from you by sleeping with him? I'm not trying to be mean, I just think that you seem smart enough to recognize you're being player. Why are you letting it happen? Who is the boss here? YOU ARE. You need to take care of you first!
And now you are considering giving your entire self to him. You are giving him everything: your virginity, you say you trust him with your life, and now it sounds like you're thinking about falling in love with him??? You are considering losing yourself and handing over ConfusedKitten to this player entirely. :o(
I also have to wonder, you trusting him with your life... does that include 100% of the time complete protection? Who knows if he used any with these other girls, they might of let him go unprotected even just once - have you both gone to get checked up to make sure you're both healthy and clean? Also, complete protection means oral sex too. You are just as much at risk for STIs during oral sex. See the link at the bottom of the page. At least look and know what you're at risk for. It is valuable information. I'm not trying to lecture you or nag, I just want to help.
About R, you don't seem ultimately too excited about him either. I think you should break from them both. You don't need to love anybody for a little while... I think you should try to spend a little time getting to love yourself and keep yourself all kinds of healthy. Good luck, sweet!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (3 March 2011):
Hmm, well to summarize your recent history as you related, you "naturally" were sexually "conquered" by your boyfriend, the "player" mentioned, and perhaps he will stick around for more, but at your age, you may soon enough find that you have been fucked and pretty much forgotten. Maybe not, but nice looking 21-year-old males do like to spread their seed widely.
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