A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a new guy about 4 months ago. In the beginning he made it clear to me that he wanted to take it slow and not rush into anything. So of course we were both still seeing other people, and I appreciated the time. As things have progressed the feelings between us have become cosmic.. I am madly in love with him.. and he says he is in love with me. Then about 3 weeks ago he broke down and told me that when we first started dating he had a one night stand and got another girl pregnant and that he has been seeing her on the weekends because he feels like he can't leave her high and dry. He told me that he kept this from me because he didn't want what we have between us to end. Now the girl lives 45 minutes from us and already has 2 other kids... I have my doubts that the kid is even his, but he is convinced and is a stand up guy and will do anything for the baby. But, he won't give me a straight answer as to what his relationship is with the mother. I've given him 30 days to decide either its her or me.. am I being fair? I have no problem with him being a stand up guy and being there for the kid, but he hasn't told the other girl about me and says that he doesn't want to hurt her because she is carrying his child. I'm so confused. He tells me he loves me and that if the child wasn't in the picture we would be together for infinity. Should I just wait it out and continue to take it day by day? I lose my mind every time he doesn't answer my call or is gone over night because I know he is up there with the other girl. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to end up wasting all this time supporting him only to get hurt in the end, and then I don't want to throw away the most amazing love I've ever felt with someone.What to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I am sure that you will all be glad to hear that I broke up with him this morning. I told him to focus on the girl having the baby. Thank you for your responses.. although I would have no problem supporting him emotionally and standing by him through this, I refuse to let myself be second to another woman..
I feel like I have control over my own life again, and I know that if we are meant to be together that we will eventually be back together again. But if not.. I'm free to find someone that will put me first.
A
female
reader, hannah76  +, writes (12 May 2011):
 Hello,
Thank you for follow up. I just wanted to add that the baby was conceived while you were both dating so the child will always remind you of that. I do believe he is leading you both on, in fact he may have already told the mother about you. I still believe you should surrender and let things go. Good luck.
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female
reader, Babydoll86 +, writes (11 May 2011):
I would seriously run a mile and not look back. Even if he was telling the truth do you want to live the rest of your life full of jealousy, everytime he doesnt answer his phone and goes to see the 'child'. I suspect this girl is more than a one night stand(maybe even a long term ldr?)
Im not buying his story about going to see her at weekends blah blah blah
Open your eyes, you are being played!
Get out now while its early days, 4 months isnt that long especially as you both started off so slow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the response.. i'm leaning towards walking away from the whole situation.. living on my firm belief that if we are meant to be that we will be together in the end. I've waited so long to meet someone like him. He is amazing, a wonderful father, dedicated man. I appreciate that he wants to be there for the baby, and probably wouldn't be attracted to him if he wasn't'. But I do suspect that he is leading us both on.. and i think that he has true feelings for both of us. I have an uphill battle.. another woman carrying his child.. I think its time for me to just surrender to the reality that the fight just may not be worth it in the long run.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Why are you even giving him thirty days? You are letting him decide when maybe you should be the one who makes that decision. Is this someone you want to be with? Someone who isn't give you a straight answer? Someone who says he "loves" you but can't explain his relationship to the other woman?It's possible for a man to do the right thing and take care of his child while being faithful and loving to a woman who is not the mother of his child. He does need to be respectful and be that stand up guy for the mother, but he can draw clear lines and live by them. So instead of wondering if you're being fair, maybe you should try to figure out whether YOU are going to leave or stay. By giving him thrity days, not only are you putting pressure on him to make a decision, but you're letting him know that you want to be with him and are willing to stay with him....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Hmmm? Well it is not okay for him to keep secret from you details of the other girl. And he shouldn't be spending the night with her whether she is pregnant or not. I personally wouldn't give him an ultimatum I would leave. There are already this many problems and he is still keeping you secret from this other women, no you should leave.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (11 May 2011):
 You both made the mistake of dating each other and also dating other people. Because no commitments were made it allowed him the right to sleep with anyone he wanted to. This makes little sense to me.Anyway, he now has a child to look after. Your no scientist and neither is he, so you can't say the child is not is. Get him to get a DNA test to make sure.If the child is his, it won't disappear just because that's what you want. Children need food and clothes, and therefore he has to provide money. Children also need a father's attention and love, and if he's a good man he will want to see the child often. Your will be dating a man who will always have this other woman and a child in his life.Don't know why he's not telling her, that makes no sense. If he loves you the way you say he does and the girl is only a one night stand, they why would she get upset about him seeing you.Nope, don't trust him. Guys you date for 4months should want to love and sleep with you only. Men might make mistakes and have a one night stand, but they then don't hide their girlfriend away and risk their relationship.This doesn't sound much like love on his side. I really wouldn't stay and get involved in this drama for a man I've only known 4months, who couldn't be faithful, couldn't use protection and doesn't answer my calls and is trying to pretend I don't exist...I Love You is just words, nice words but still words... To tell if a guy actually loves you, look at how he treats you. Do you feel like the most special and important person in his world?
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reader, hannah76 +, writes (11 May 2011):
Hello,
My suspicious mind tells me he is with both of you as his girlfriends. i just find it awful that he started dating you yet was active with the other girl. Obviously unprotected at that. I dont want to be hard and i say this with "love" but I think you are sharing him and he doesn't sound genuine. I wouldn't give him 30 days because even if he agreed, you'd always doubt he had given her up. Infinity etc is a nice idea but the child IS in the picture. She/he always will be. It's a 4 month relationship, I appreciate deeply you love him but is there any way you could somewhere leave this situation? It doesn't seem trustworthy and in 4 months you have got involved in a lot. All the best.
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