A
female
age
41-50,
*arine99
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. He has been very stressed out with work and our finances. We are business partners so we are constantly together.We have an amazing relationship but unfortunately, our sex life has gone down hill (down to only once a month or so). I don't know whether he's attracted to me anymore or if it's just the stress from work. I've asked him if he thought I was still attractive and he tells me yes. But every time I try initiate sexual intimacy with him, I get denied. I consider myself to be a very attractive person but it seems he only wants to have sex on "his time" which is rarely. I know sex isn't the foundation in a relationship, however, it is a standing pillar.I know he loves me and I love him but when I have needs (and a high libido) then his rejection is taking a big toll on my self-esteem and confidence. Getting rejected from your own boyfriend hurts to the core but I don't know what to do. He doesn't even seem interested in any other forms of deep physical intimacy (other than hugging and kissing).Am I being selfish?
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female
reader, sabra +, writes (12 May 2011):
Last I heard, relationships require a lot of work and compromise. So while you may not be compatible or deal with stress the same way, you should tell him that you need sex more than he's giving you and that you would like to have it more.
If you're both very busy, you may want to specifically schedule time for sex. Tell him there is no canceling this appointment, it's basic maintenance on a relationship. It doesn't need to be daily, but ask him if you can arrange a weekly date for sextime. It's not very romantic, but it's one way of getting more of it and hopefully reminding him of his sexuality as well. Not that there's anything wrong with him or a lower sex drive - but it seems like this is something that is unusual (from what you wrote).
If he gets stubborn on the topic, you may want to consider if there are other reasons for his reluctance to have sex - is stress causing unhappy sexual libido issues? Are your schedules too different? Is he just plain too tired from work for funtime?
Hope this helped some
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011):
Hmmm. I am a married man in a similar situation. My wife doesn't like to have sex with me very often and it hurts me deeply. Up until maybe a month ago I would say that absolutely you are not being selfish. Everyone in a relationship with an able partner should have a satisfying sex life. I still agree with that thought.
However, I had an epiphany. To some extent, it is selfish because your partner has a certain sex drive and you want more from them than they can give. They may even wish things were different, but sex can be very complicated. I used to think "What's so complicated? Do it or don't!" but that's not how it works. There are often so many emotions attached not just between you and reflective of your relationship, but self-image issues and other baggage play roles as well.
One partner is thinking : "Sex is no big deal. Let's just have it! I'd feel a lot better about the relationship if we did!"
The other partner is thinking: "Sex is no big deal. Why is my partner pressuring me for it all the time? I'd really prefer they left me alone once in a while."
In short, you are - at this stage in time - not sexually compatible. If your sex life was always like that then there's not much to do but accept it. However, if your sex life used to be much better then think about what role you have played in all of this. Helping your partner feel better about the relationship will strengthen your sex life. Pressuring your partner to have sex without realizing the role you have played in getting where you are is selfish.
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A
female
reader, Thornbirds  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 You are perfectly normal in terms of your sexual needs. Why do you point the mistake on yourself? Don't you ever consider it is your BF who has the problem? Sooner or later his sexual dryness will cause you more stress until you cannot take it anymore and you gonna snap.Talk to him and express your growing concern over his lack of interest in sex. Perhaps he does not recognize this as a problem. Make him aware that it affects your relationship in a negative way.
The decline in sex is one of the strong and noticeable indications of the growing gap between two people who are in a love relationship. You are not yet married to him and you are already worrying over his lack of interest in sex. Could you imagine if you are married to him and he is this dry to you? It's like living in drought all the time..you get irritable and impatient waiting for the next rain to come so you could be alive again.If you feel that this situation is going to continue unresolved,it will ultimately destroy the relationship in the long run. The least you can expect from him at this stage of your relationship is to be contented and happy, if not perfect, to sustain the fire. But if this very important aspect of your relationship isn't met ,then, you have to evaluate your position at present and consider some options available to make some changes in what you really want for your life in future. If he does not make any improvement, and if he is unwilling to change,then have the courage to alter your life's course. Your life is in front of you, and your happiness is at stake..remember,you are not yet married to him, hence, you are free to let go of any man in your life who can't even satisfy your basic human need. More than ever, now is your time to decide what you want out of a future husband and make some choices while you may.
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