A
male
age
36-40,
*ay3532
writes:folks in need of some expert helpbasically giving my gf a ultimatum. Choose him or me.il make this quickbasically i made the first mistake by flirting with a girl online, but let me explain, this flirtation ment absolutely NOTHING and i would never EVER cross the line and ask for numbers or meet up, it was just to past boredem and it lasted for 10 min convosation. She got upset when she found out through a freind. NOW LET ME EXPLAN THIS. I did this because she gave her number out to a random guy on the internet, and they have been talking for several months now, (just friends) anyway ever since then i sort of lost trust, even she she keeps reasuring me its nothing and they are just freinds she just wants people to talk to isntead of always talking to me, she thinks its unhealthy if we dont have 'freinds'. I agreed with this and let them keep talking (this was aprox 3 months ago), anyway when she found out i flirted with the girl she got very upset and disapeared for a night, not answering my txts or calls or anything (and also we live togahter) so that made it Even WORSE. had no idea where she was. anyway the next day about 3 pm she came home, i pressed her ''where were u'', she replied, i slept at that guys house (her online freind), i go, did u do anythin? she goes NO. she then followed with .. '' did u feel my pain? '' i said yes im sorry and apoligised for flirting/chatting up the other girl. She told me to delete her which i did. anyway we are slowly getting back to normal and i didnt continue to press the issue about her and her freind. I LET IT BE. i told her during the week ' an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind '. things were getting back to normal, anyway just few days ago her online freind keeps txt'ing her, and msging her on fb, and now CALLING HER. he called her at 7 am in the morning and i finally flipped it. i gave her a ultimatum. CHOOSE HIM OR ME. i wont stuff around with this anymore. For me that flirting incidident was a one off and i only did it because she gave her number out and it was always in the back of my mind. anyway regardless, the damage has been done and we are on the path to fixing our trust issues. Few nights ago i gave the ultimatum and she agreed to delete his txts and numbers. Now the facebook part, she wont delete him off facebook or his messages. do you think i am looking way into this? I told her i dont care what freinds u have, just someone online, who is trying to lure her, i mean cmon, i have every right to be pissed off. I told her, if you want to be single, then be single and we can move out but she refused and said she loved me and only me and wants kids etc etc and that im way to paranoid. anyway i disagree, i said me or him, so now i play the waiting game. I been ignoring her alot latley and i know she knows she will find it dificult to live without me. she sends txts everyday while she is at work saying she misses me, only loves me, i have nothin to worry bout etc etc the usualy suck up crap. but now i still think, what is best thing to do ? how can we fix this issue and completley move on foward and build our relationnships from or 'mistakes'. any help would be great
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 September 2012):
 First you're in New Zealand. Now the US. Where will you be tomorrow? Africa?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-we-solve-our-trust-issues.html
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 September 2012):
 Your first mistake was telling your girlfriend it was "ok" to keep talking to her "guy friend". You should have been upfront with her at that time. Instead, you lied, became bitter, and tried to make her jealous by flirting with someone else which backfired.
You both have some serious growing-up to do before either of you should be in a relationship. What you are doing is what high school kids do because they don't have the people skills to work things out the right way. Check that...many of the high school students I know would have been more honest than you.
I think you need to move on and go your separate ways because she is never going to stop doing what she is doing. She IS wrong for communicating with the other guy so much and for sleeping over. You don't sleep over at another guy's house when you have a boyfriend. I don't care how platonic it is...you just don't do it.
Relationships require honesty and trust and mutual respect. You two do not have either.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (24 September 2012):
I agree with Honeypie and anonymous. But there is something I don't get. She started flirting online. Then you did the same, and for that she went to sleep with the guy. In your girlfriend's logic, she can flirt and you can't. What kind of relationship is that? I don't reckon your relationship is going to last.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): I have to agree with honey pie, tit for tat doesn't normally get you anywhere. However it is human nature to want to hurt if you've been hurt.. The only thing is, you allowed this to continue instead of at the beginning going, hey no way are you texting and giving your number out to a complete stranger over the net, for 3months you basically bite your tongue and let her walk all over you.. To make this work, you gotta stick to your guns and tell her delete him of Facebook too. As honey pie said if she wants friends why can't they be female? At both your ages you should surely know what you both want and stop acting like two teenagers. Have good talk, clear the air and either move on or out, depending the outcome.Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 September 2012):
 I think the two of you have a really unhealthy and unstable relationship. The fact that you BOTH seem to think that you NEED to reach out to random strangers on the internet (even if you both claim it means nothing - which, honestly is BS - people don't do that just for shits and grins - they do it because they get something out of it - GRATIFICATION, attention, ego boost....
I don't really understand why the two of you have this need for TIT for TAT as well. TWO wrong never make a right.
I do think she is COMPLETELY in the wrong for keeping in touch with this guy and sleeping as his house. If she SO desperately needs other people then you to talk to, she ought to try having female friends.
I think the two of you will go thru this over and over and over..
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