A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My friend is mad at me after constantly asking me for advice and not liking my advice.Okay I have this friend from college - we met in class 3 years ago and kept an in-class friendship, we messaged almost every day on Facebook but we live 3 hours apart and any time I am in town (several times a year) I ask her to hang out but she never does (even though she says we should). The only time I see her is for a few short moments a year at the annual comicon. She has struggles with depression, anxiety, and other emotional problems. She constantly comes to me upset so I often listen and help as much as I can. I have helped her through some of her roughest moments such as when her grandma passed away.She always wanted my help but if I went to her for suggestions she wasn’t helpful. If I’d mention something I was upset about especially relationship wise she would say "NEXT!" (Meaning move on to the next guy) but if I went on any dates (I went on 3 dates all year) she would tell me that I was "being desperate."Well a few months ago, she became all obsessed with a guy at work who was rude to her. Then about a week after she stopped talking to that guy she got really into another guy at work and she constantly came to me about it - he sounds super nice so I was happy for her. However, one day she would like him and the next hate him because he had not asked her out yet. I tried suggesting that she initiate and tell him she liked him because he seemed shy and it had been awhile. She refused and say that she would be happy just being his friend forever, but then she turned around and said she wanted to marry him - I nicely remind her that she probably needed to be asked out first (which led to her saying that she didn't have to be his girlfriend to marry him...). Immediately after that she said "I want to go slow, maybe take and entire year to start dating." She constantly mentioned wanting to go slow.Finally after like two/three months he told her he liked her and asked her out the following week.Two days after that she came crying to me because he told her that he wanted to talk to her after work. She though he was going to break up with her so she wanted to break up with him before he could. She cried all day and said she hated him, I talked her out of breaking up with him several times and kept telling her that it might be about something else - which it was, he just wanting to tell her about his past.The next day she told me "I was bad, I told him I loved him!" I explained to her that at the beginning of a relationship the feelings are strong and that it is probably just lust. I asked her if he said it back? She told me that he did not. I tried to explain to her that he is probably scared since it is his first relationship so she might want to hold off on the "L word" until he is more comfortable, especially since it took him so long to tell her he liked her.The next day she sent me a text of an art piece she made him that had hearts and the word 'love' all over it, I asked her if she thought that was a good idea since he had not responded to her telling him she loved him the night before, and that she should probably make sure that he is comfortable with it first.She got super mad and now she won't talk to me. A week later she texted me saying that what I said was "hurtful."I tried to explain that I have never meant her any harm and that I always try to help her the best I can and I just want her to be successful (especially since all her past relationships were abusive), I was upset so I did lash out a bit and say that it was more hurtful to me when I try to ask for advice from her and get told that her problems are worse than mine and to "get over it." Especially when I try to give the best advice I can and am always willing to listen.That was the last I heard from her, it's been two weeks now. I tried wishing her a Merry Christmas, and tried talking to her two other times but she won't answer any of my messages. I am afraid she will never talk to me again, she is quick to drop friends that make her unhappy - she dropped her best friend from birth for four years because her bestfriend was busy and barely talked to her on the bestfriends own wedding day.I know our friendship was rocky, but talking to her on her good days was nice and I do miss having someone to talk to almost every day even if most of the time was talking her down from an episode. Most of my friends are married with kids so we don’t talk or hang as often, so even though it kind of feels like a weight has lifted, I am still stressed over this - all I wanted to do was help her.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (30 December 2016):
 Blimey, she sounds like a class act. As I read further and further down your post, the urge to get hold of you and shake you and ask "Why are you putting yourself through this?" got stronger and stronger. You sound like a lovely person. You are caring and patient (you would have to have the patience of a saint to put up with your ex friend)and obviously try to help people. However, not everyone will appreciate your good qualities.A new year is on the horizon. Make this the year you are going to do something for YOURSELF rather than for people who don't appreciate you. Make new friends, find new hobbies, get involved in stuff that you feel passionate about. In this way you are more likely to meet friends who will be there for you as much as you are for them.Kick this ex friend to the kerb and move on. She is not worthy of your friendship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 December 2016):
 It seems to me that you need to learn to be YOUR OWN best friend because you are NOT doing that now when you are allowing her to walk all over you constantly.
She seems like an "emotional vampire" or a "user" - someone who SUCKS other people dry to make HERSELF feel better, to get what SHE needs without really giving ANYTHING back. So she texts you occasionally and you talk with her here and there. But UNLESS SHE is the subject she isn't really interested. THAT is so one-sided.
Let's say you had a good and close friend (not this girl) but someone else. And SHE had a friend who treated her like this girl treats you. WHAT would you advise this good friend to do? You would tell her to: "Drop her" - right?
I think you are a very nurturing person. But you are also an enabler and co-dependent person. YOU want to help her you say, which is sweet and kind, but here is the thing, YOU CAN'T. SHE has to learn to stand on her own two feet. What SHE wants is NOT help nor advice. SHE wants people around her to boost her up and tell her SHE is making ALL the right choices, even when she isn't. THAT is why she cuts people off who tell her she is "wrong" or doing the "wrong" thing. For HER, people are disposable. YOU are disposable. Friendships are disposable. THAT is not the mindset of a GOOD friend.
I think YOU would benefit immensely from cutting her OFF. And I think you would ALSO benefit from making NEW friends. Since you are SUCH a nice, caring and nurturing person consider looking into some volunteer programs. I think it could be not only GOOD for you to DO GOOD for others, but you might meet people who are MORE like you than this girl. Someone who can be a GOOD friend to you in return.
BE your own BEST friend FIRST. That means CUT OUT toxic people, this girl you talk about IS a such a toxic person and you know it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 December 2016):
 I only read half of this.
What are you getting out of this friendship? She doesn't help you when you need it, ignores your requests to hang out and then gives you grief when you help her.
Sounds like everything is on her terms and she only takes and offers nothing in return. If I were you I'd seriously be considering whether I'd stay in contact with her.
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