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*mitty0421
writes: I have recently receieved information from a mutual friend of my girlfriend of 4 years and I. He told me that a friend of his was bragging about hooking up with my girlfriend and how he was going to visit her at her college and have sex with her. He also told me the his friend had said that my girlfriend was interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. This mutual friend is a very reliable source. After thinking about it for a couple of days, I decided to check her e-mail account just to make sure. To my surprise, I found messages that he had sent to her talking about going to visit her at school and having sex with her. She had replied to him "you're cute, I want youuu". I have had the feeling that she has been cheating on me for quite some time, but never found the proof. She has been very defensive lately and haggling me about pictures I have up on a website of a good friend of mine who happens to be a female. The two have hung out numerous times and are very friendly with each other. It just irked me how she reacted all of a sudden to it. How do I confront her? Thanks in advance... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): I still stand by my thoughts and opinions in what I posted earlier, Smitty0421, irregardless of what others have experienced and written here, in regards to their thoughts and personal experiences about cheating. While I think you do need to find out if it’s true, you still should not accuse your partner of cheating unless you have absolute proof. There may be perfectly believable explanations for the sudden change in her behavior. Talking to her about it and getting some honest answers as often as it takes can clear the air and silence the alarms going off in your gut. If your partner admits to cheating, the next step is for you both to determine if your relationship has a chance to be saved. If you agree that it does, then the ground rules for rebuilding the trust and relationship must be laid out in no uncertain terms. If you believe forgiveness is possible, then you must commit your heart and mind to doing so and leave the "cheating" in the past. You will never be able to move forward if you constantly bring it up or dwell on it. Vow to put it behind you but make it clear if they break your trust again, there will be not other chances to make it right. Datinghaven said it best at the end of his post "I am biased because of my experiences, whatever you choose is up to you" And IT is up to you, dear. We are simply, each of us stating our differing opinions on how we feel about your situation and giving you some careful insights to think about. It is not in any of us to judge your gf's character and your relationship problems. You know her best and please do what is in the best interest for YOU and your own happiness. Good luck, dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): This question has a very quick answer ......ditch her ! Your girlfriend has shown you no respect or any real emotion . She wants her cake and to eat it . Quite frankly you deserve better. After 4 years , it is sad that she could not admit to you that she was unfaithful.
The fact that you sound willing to forgive shows you decency , and also that you love her ....but to what cost to your self - confidence and self esteem?
It sounds harsh , but tolerating this is a shabby relationship.
Do yourself a favour and get your hair done , best outfit on and look gorgeous ....then break it off with her face to face. Show her you're strong ! Then you'll be able to pick yourself up , and move on . She may try to come back to you .....but I think you're worth more .
Best of luck !
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (4 October 2005):
She CHEATING on YOU, it makes NO DIFFERENCE if she has DONE it BEFORE or NOT! IT DOESNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER!
Then the usual cheating girlfriend approach of flipping the script so-2-speak by saying about that photo which is just of a mate...this to me says she has done it before, not that i want a medal or nout but i have been cheated on myself personally about 7-8 times and each done the defensive thing, the last 5 times i was like youre dumped! I know you have cheated... (common response, how do you know?)
Well, irish...is playing the defensive "keep the relationship" style of advice, because you really love her and been together for a while without any problems, however, me being a bloke (not intended to be a sexist remark towards irish) who has been cheated on so many times, im playing the attack "you can fix it but she will only cheat again" side.
I have no facts myself to prove that she has done it before, and if she did she wont admit it, but its likely, she will do it again no doubt (those people dont change - thats 99%).
I mean it wasnt seeing another guy it was specifically for sex, how dont you know that it hasnt happened before and she has been collecting STD's? Or getting a bad reputation and as being her bf you will get abuse cos of it?
Ok, to me she cheated, if you both have sex thats the most offensive thing IMO, it worse then just cheating, passing on potentially diseases and infections, so what if you wear condoms they can easily split and if its HIV...
(Not that you have it) but would you ever pass HIV on to a love one? Thought not... Many questions can be rasied from that bit alone.
Your relationship is in trouble, i think it has hit a snag, shes proper bored of you hence why she wanting to cheat. Maybe the picture thing wasnt a involuntary reverse physcology thing because she has been cheating but a hint for you to go with that mate of yours because she is bored stiff with you? Maybe she went to cheat because you not giving her enough time and that you dont have sex (at all/enough)?
This can be mended, quite easily in fact, but you may have to live with doubts and insecurities, and i guarantee you she will cheat again, i dont know when, maybe once you have been married a while or something?
You ever heard of the "Once a [word] always a [word]" phrases? Like police officer etc. - this will be true in this case, in fact i think she wont cheat for a longtime because she has been "caught" and she doesnt feel confident enough to do something like this again, (just because someone cheats it doesnt mean they dont love you or have feelings for you) but when a few years have passed etc, maybe one day in your life you both will have children and/or get married, when you hit apon a milestone such as engagement, getting married, having children, wedding anniversary or even just an anniversary of you two being together, the mind of a cheat works like this...they think you have forgotten about when they cheated before and feel more comfortable that they are least expected to cheat.
You may hate my advice, but i dont want you to be heartbroken after you just got married or a split where children are involved (in the UK FATHERS have NO LEGAL RIGHT, so you could lose them), ok you may not do none of these but i think you need to know when to get out, i do always think of things longterm..whether thats a good or bad thing i dont know.
Dont come on this site in like 10 years blabbing on about that she hasnt cheated, cheating is very common and the reason why people cheat is because they dont expect to get caught,they are confident that it will be kept a secret, only 1 in a 1000 cheats and affairs are found out, so if you think its common atm, think again, times it by a thousand! I asked why my gfs cheated on me, well the first 4 who cheated explained it painfully in details, i mean when you are cheated on you dont care to know in detail why, you just ask why because you are emotionally upset. Then i sort of created a profile of a cheat in my head and soon as the other few gfs started perfectly matching the same pattern i caught on (trust me half the time you know whats going on but you dont let yourself except the truth because it hurts).I am biased because of my experiences, whatever you choose is up to you. Good Luck!
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reader, smitty0421 +, writes (4 October 2005):
thanks dear...brilliant answer
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): Because you two have invested 4 long years together, and this is the first time she has 'possibly' strayed, I'm inclined to think you're relationship has hit a snag, that could be salvaged, if you think long and hard about what you two have shared. Obviously if it has lasted this long, then the trust has been strong, at least up until these recent events. Take into careful consideration that she has proven her loyalties and devotion to you in the past. If you had only dated her 4 months and she did this, I'd say, dump her but this is not the case with you. Okay, you've found the evidence (the e-mail), a reliable source has told you a tidbit or two. But it's not enough. Big changes in her behaviour is the most important factor that must be evaluated if you find yourself suspicious of her. So look at how she used to be, and how she is now. You know her like the "back of your hand'-this should not be a problem for you to pick up on. Already, you pointed out her defensiveness. If she's spending less time with you, for example, it could either mean that she's avoiding you because she feels guilty for her actions, or she just doesn't care to spend as much time with you. The latter could be a sign of cheating. If you think that her recent behavior isn't adding up or you catch her lying, do not lose your cool and accuse or threaten her. Rather than exclaiming, "I know what's going on!" or "Who have you been messing around with?", ask her, "Is there something I should know about?" or "I have reason to believe that you're not being 100% honest with me."
This may seem passive, but you want to approach the topic carefully because if you're wrong, you may be messing up big time. But if you're right, then you have permission to raise Cain. If there is no way that this is a misunderstanding and you are positive that she's been pawing another guy, then you can approach her with more assertion. Tell her what you know, how it makes you feel, and what you plan to do about it.
But first, if you find out for a fact that she's been cheating, there are a few questions you must ask yourself: Can you trust her again? If the answer is No, then you can't get back together. If the answer is yes, it may take time, but you can give it another try. You'll have to tell her that it'll be hard to trust her, but with her help and time, it can happen. She'll have to earn back your trust. Why do you think she did it? If she doesn't tell you why, you'll have to evaluate whether you can still forgive her.
Is your relationship worth another try? If you can move past her deceit and give her another chance, then when you're ready, sit down, talk to her, and try to understand why she did it. There may be no reason at all (it could just be the fault of stupidity), but if there is a reason why she cheated on you, then ignoring why she did it can lead it to happen again and then you'll be cheating yourself. We all make mistakes, which doesn't make cheating acceptable, but if she shows remorse for her actions and if she's worth the effort of giving it another shot, then you can forgive… although you may need more time to forget, which you may never do.
Take your time with this...something tells me from your letter, she is the one you dearly love. But please have that talk with her. Be honest with your feelings but don't accuse. Just ask her or the same respect due to you..and expect her complete 100% honesty. I wish you luck with this. It's never easy being suspicious and paranoid and this must be emotionally draining for you. Take care.
Hugs,
Irish
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reader, kelly16 +, writes (3 October 2005):
There's no easy way, 'just confront her' she needs 2 no, that u no otherwise it will carry on, wot's she's doing 2 u is not right, i wonder how she wud react if it was the other way round, she's seems so disrespectful, she obviously hasn't considered ur feelings, u 2 need 2 sit down and talk this thru, hopefully u can work thru this, but honestly she doesn't seem worth it. x
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