A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have...a very odd situation, but I guess everyone thinks that.I've fallen in love online. With someone about 6 and a half years older than me. The reality of the situation is that he's a college drop out who wants to make it as a writer and a musician and has been living with his parents for about a year and a half. He's not bad at either art form, but he never finishes what he writes. He's been out of a job since November and though he's trying and seems to have gotten close (according to him), but nothing yet. He's pretty much given me fair warning about how unstable things would be with him if he ever moved up to be with me. He's even told me he eventually wants to marry me....I'm an incoming sophomore in college, studying voice performance. I'm on the dean's list and my voice coach thinks I'm in the upper levels of my class and making great strides as an artist. Also, for the first time in 7 years, I have something resembling a solid social life in the real world (as opposed to online), which started dwindling second semester due to the funk I've gotten into regarding this and this pervasive fear I have of being judged and alienated by my friends and family (who believe I ended this relationship in December like they wanted me to) for being with him, especially since he smokes-which is something a lot of vocalists at my school are terribly paranoid about.I've spent the last 10 months fairly miserable, torn between practicality and how I feel about this guy. It's been driving me nuts and I think I know how things are supposed to end up, and it's not one of those happy endings you find in a musical where everything conveniently works out. The truth is, I'm pretty certain he's not going to fit into my world at all or if I could fit into the world he imagines me in, whether he knows that or not.I'm probably going to break up him when school starts up again in a couple of weeks....but I'll miss him terribly as I'm still in love with him. I'm afraid I won't find someone, personality and even appearance wise, like him in a long time. I love his wavy auburn hair, his beard, his green eyes, his sharp nose, his big goofy mouth, the tattoo of J.R "Bob" Dobbs that he has on his left shoulder, and much more. I love his sense of humor, prowess with the English language, overall intelligence, sweetness, and originality. And if he were in a financially stable situation...I might not feel like I have to end it.TL;DR-I guess this is one last final "Do I have to end this relationship?"/Mourn with me/Tell me it's for the best type submission. Unless you don't feel that way...I'm grasping at straws, really.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Follow Up here: I've done it. I'd like to personally thank chigirl for her answer. It helped more ways than you could imagine.It's been difficult these past couple of days. I told him I wasn't prepared to handle his problems and that I would probably be unprepared to deal with the stress that would come onto me if he came into my life this way. He asked if we could be friends, and I said yes, but that it would probably be wise if we didn't talk for a week or so. (I didn't tell him that it was because if we didn't, I'd go back to him instantly). We'll just have to see how THAT goes...I just have to not dwell on it, I guess I just have to wait for it to pass. For now, I miss him, but I know I did the right thing and I have a couple of friends helping me through this.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 August 2011):
 You have a fascination for him. He's not relationship material, he's not good for you, and you know he won't ever make you happy. But you love the dream and "if only this or that was different". Well it's not, and it's no one elses fault but his own.
He could be exactly who he is, but with an education, or a stable job, an income, his own place, responsibilities and predictability. His sense of humor would be the same, his hair would be the same, it's just that THEN he'd might have a chance at a real relationship. As it is he's telling you there wont be a fairy tale ending with him, you can barely have a relationship, and that is a choice HE has made for himself.
It's not what you want. It's a pity, because you could have had a nice relationship, but you need to accept that a good relationship with you isn't what he's interested in. He's a selfish man who wants his cake and eat it too.
If he wanted a good relationship with you he'd shape up so he could be the man you need. He's not lifting a finger to show you his sincerity, or putting in effort to be a good partner, he isn't even hiding the fact that a relationship would be hopeless.
In other words: he is REJECTING YOU. He doesn't want what you want. But you're stubborn, and for whatever reason keep dreaming that maybe one day he'll want it after all.
If all you wanted was someone to screw around with for fun and good times, sure. He's your man. But for anything more serious? You know he's not, and he DOESN'T WANT TO BE either. So leave him and his choices.
You'll get over him, and you'll find someone else who's even more wonderful, who actually wants the same things as you in life and more importantly are capable of making you happy in life. This current guy will only bring you heartache and sorrows.
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A
male
reader, goalstopper +, writes (21 August 2011):
if you think he is worth it. you should keep on with him. You could tell him you aren't going to be with him until he finishes whatever he is writing or something like that.
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