A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a wonderful man for the past two years and living with him for the past one year. We are both musicians, and love doing the same things in life. He has three wonderful kids, and I am close to them. We have a great sex life and I feel like I am the happiest I've ever been in my adult life, even though we've had our ups and downs during this 2-year period, such as his tendency to be bossy, and quick-tempered; his ex-girlfriend's trying to cause problems between us, and just the adjustments people go through as they build a life together -- but overall it's been great! The problem is -- I'm still married to someone else!! Yes, I know it's terrible. I separated with the intention of giving my spouse time to adjust to a life without me, since he couldn't fanthom it otherwise, and has not handled the separation well (i.e. been very depressed, worried that he'd commit suicide etc.) But every time I think I'm getting close to filing for divorce, I become absolutely paralyzed at the thought. My husband has been my "safety net" for years and although the relationship was never that fulfilling, my husband has always been there for me. I know I must make a choice and the man I'm with now, is the one I can't live without. I love him so much. So what is my problem? I know my feelings for my spouse have changed over the years, and we became more like roommates. We also have nothing in common except our history together. I haven't enjoyed having sex with him for the past several years and cannot bear the thought of going back to him. But I just feel like something horrible will happen to me once I've done the final deed. Is this just guilt I'm feeling?...I really need to get it over with so we can both move on, but there are so many "unknowns" with my new b/f even though we've been together for 2 years and he's never shown any signs of getting bored with me. He says he loves me, and even talks about getting married later, after my divorce is over with and I've had time to deal with it emotionally. But I am so afraid. Yet I haven't minded committing adultry and living with someone else. So how screwed up is that? I don't know how to get past these paralyzing fears and be able to move forward with my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to female anon (11-27-07) for your reply. It's nice to know I am not alone in a situation like this. The way I see it, no matter what I do at this point, I am going to have regrets. If I leave my husband to be with the man I love, I will always feel a sense of guilt over having left a fairly nice guy who was just not suited for me. Letting him down and hurting him in the process. On the other hand, if I go back to my spouse because it's "the right thing to do" since my vows are with him -- I will go back to a somewhat empty life, where we have nothing in common, little or nothing to talk about, no children to enjoy and I do not desire to be with him sexually. My b/f has three wonderful kids, whom I love dearly and the disppointment of losing me from their lives, will hurt them as well. So given that, I must do what makes me happy and being with my b/f is what makes me happy, even though I am plagued with guilt and the selfishness that goes with this decision. Why must we always chose? It would be so much easier if marital vows simply expired after a number of years and we were allowed to pursue other chapters of our lives if we wanted to. But I know that I too, would be devastated if the person I loved, no longer wanted me. I feel his pain every day. I must gather the courage to file after the holidays. I wish you the best too. xoxox
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): I am in precisely your situation almost to the letter but because my boyfriend has emigrated and I wasn't ready to commit to moving with him I have made the 'mistake' (?) of living back with my husband who I separated from. I think I am more confused than you are!!! However my take for what it is worth is that when you are married and you have made such an emotional commitment it is difficult to throw it away. We made half steps because this was easier and 'safer' and you sound like me in that you actually really need stability in your life which is why you have really had both safety nets etc. I have realised that going back is not working and I have really mucked my boyfriend about. He waits for me but now I feel so bad about myself (low confidence and esteem etc) that I feel unable to make any decisions at all and feel resentful all round. This is the dilemma you will also have soon if you don't regain the momentum you need to jump one way or the other. Perhaps time without either for say a month could give you the window you need. Can you go on a holiday? or just try and get some space? I hope I've helped in some way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): My feeling is that you have feelings of guilt that you left for maybe not the right reasons and wronged the man you left somehow. Maybe you are feeling unsure you are making the right move with this new guy and have a backup plan with the hubby. Point is, you know what the reason is no one here is going to tell you that. You need to make the decision and not let someone make it for you. Be an adult and not a spoiled little girl. I know "harsh" but look at your situation from the outside in. You are the deciding factor, these poor guys are just waiting for you.
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