A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I got a tough deal..So my girlfriend just broke up with me, beacause ive continuously lied to her about my drinking. Which is a problem. I don’t blame her for breaking up with me at all, but of coarse i didnt want that.okay the thing is we live together and work together. So i’m trying to get her back. She’s lost total trust me.but i still think there’s a sliver of a chance ,,how do i go about this now??i want to “win” her back. i want her to trust me againdo i act as if everything is ok? even tho i’m burnt inside,do i ask her to give me another chance? more to follow...goin to work now any serious responses are greatly appreciated. thanks everyone
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Maybe she will come back, but I hope she doesn't even consider it until you have been COMPLETELY sober for over a year. That means going to AA meetings regularly. No excuses, no lying, no relationship, just focus on AA.
5 years, 25 years or 50 years - you can't drink alcohol again. In this case, it's not about maturity; it's about addiction. If you lie consistently, you lie to yourself too and it's an addiction. Go to AA.
When you've found AA meetings near you, go to one. After that one, send her a text (if she hasn't blocked you) to say something like this, in your own words:
"I've just been to my first AA meeting and will continue to go. I'm sorry for hurting you and I've realised I need to work on my addiction properly. I love you, but I know I'm not ready for a relationship until I'm sober for at least a year. I know you can't trust me, but I hope you may be able to forgive me one day, once I've got my addiction under control."
The reason a year is a good benchmark of 100% sobriety before dating anyone again is because you need to be in more control of how you'll react after an argument, a break up or stress. You can relapse after 6 months, 6 years or 60 years, so it's a lifelong thing you need to be aware of and not drink ANY alcohol.
If you refuse to change your habits and don't get help for your alcoholism, you will sabotage most/all relationships (not just romantic ones), you will let down your children (if you have any in the future) and you will be unreliable in jobs. You're probably still in denial, despite admitting "it's a problem", because as soon as you read "no alcohol EVER again", you'll want to defend it. It's up to you, but compulsive lying about drinking is a strong sign of addiction.
Find an AA meeting, go, text her, keep going to AA, no romantic relationships, no dating - just work, AA, friends, family, etc.
If she replies to your text, keep it simple and no flirting or pet names. Don't elongate the process - this break up needs to happen. You NEED to get professional help. IF she wants to, you may be able to stay friends, but only a weekly, fortnightly or monthly catch-up text, not phone calls or regular long conversations over text/online, or neither of you will remotely move on - something that needs to happen.
If you go to AA for HER, you will fail because you're relying on her changing her mind someday. You need to do it for YOU.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Totally agree with N91 and CodeWarrior. There’s really nothing more for you to do than get the help you need and learn from this. Addiction (on its way to destroying you) will destroy your career, your goals and any healthy relationships you try and invest in. Drinking was a dealbreaker for her and you lied about it to keep her with you. Was that fair to her? She trusted you to keep your promise that you’d keep your drinking under control and you broke that trust. Step in her shoes. Imagine someone you care about continuously lying to you and abusing themselves-could you trust them? When trust fails, love fails too. It seems like she did try to give it a shot but at the end of the day, you chose alcohol over love and respect. Please. Get help for this and when you’re truly on the road to healing, then you can start thinking of being a part of a healthy relationship. But as of now, let your Ex live her life and go about fixing yours.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Not only did you lie but you’re an alcoholic.
She made the right decision to leave you. People get to a point where they realise that another person doesn’t add anything to their life anymore and they decide to cut them off. She got to that point and realised that you’re negatively impacting her life in such a way that she needed to remove you from it.
If you’re serious about this then you need to get help for your addiction and for whatever reason the drinking started. No self respecting person would be happy to stay with an alcoholic and until you get the required assistance there’s no chance of getting her back. You need to be able to show her that you’re getting help and working towards getting over your problems and then there MAY be a slight chance she could take you back although there’s a bigger chance she won’t be interested even after you have changed as the lying and drinking were dealbreakers
You should want to quit drinking for yourself, your health is the most important thing. If she doesn’t want you back then take this as a lesson not to lie and not to turn to drinking as an answer to your problems. If you’re feeling stressed or down then talk to people. Friends or qualified therapists will be more than happy to help you through your issues as I’m sure they would be mortified to hear how you’re currently dealing with it.
Seek the help you need and only then should you contact your ex and see if she is interested in reconciling although I wouldn’t build your hopes up. What you did is very serious.
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