A
male
age
30-35,
*aurice Daniel
writes:I believe that I am in love with my best friends girlfriend. His fiancé to be exact... I've been in love with one of his ex's before while they were dating and I went down a dark road of betraying his trust in order to break them up. I used to report to her about stupid stuff he did. I hate myself for it today and feel like I owe him a great debt that I cannot possibly repay, and he knows this. I promised myself that I would never go down that path again. But now its happening again and I need help. I'm falling for his fiancé and they're having trouble. I don't want this to happen again but I can't help how I feel. It makes me feel like I'm burning on the inside... What should I do? Should I tell him or her how I feel? I feel like I'm tearing myself apart. How can I make this a better situation? How do I stop hating myself for the way I feel? Please help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2015): You are an opportunist. You allow your friend to break-in the girl, and save you the trouble of finding one on your own. You deceive him by smiling in his face and faking like everything is cool. The part about the girl isn't the issue, it is how disloyal you are.
You get to be close to the girl by association though your friend; but you don't have to face the sting of rejection or challenges of breaking the ice with someone on your own. You also feed on the trust and vulnerability of others. Your relationship to your so-called "best friend" is parasitic in nature. Think about that a little bit. He thinks you're his bro!
Come on man, what's up with that?
You are building such bad karma for yourself. Life goes full circle. What goes around, comes around. Once it hits home, you will stop. You just need it to happen to you a few times; then it will change you. You will one day find someone who will be your perfect match. That person will be taken from you by someone else close to you. This will be necessary in order that you should feel and understand the dishonor in betrayal. It is how you will receive your payback. It is what we deserve when you deceive those who care about you. Who trust you. You suffer the pain you inflict.
You must also feel the pain it causes in order to be empathetic. You use your friend, and then you stab him in the back. I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you like you're innocent and can't help yourself. You under-mind your friend's relationships and go after his women behind his back. Doesn't that resonate somewhere in your heart and conscience that this is really the worst thing you can do to your best friend? That is dark and deceptive. Very cruel behavior.
You really cannot call the guy your best friend; because it's one-sided. He is under the false-belief that he can trust you when his back is turned. Obviously he can't, and it seems it really doesn't bother you enough to keep your distance. I don't believe you have truly fallen for either of those girls. I think your pleasure comes from taking something from him he values. I think beneath it all, you envy and hate him. Going after his women is your way of satisfying the suppressed jealousy and hatred you really have for him. Not the love you have for his girlfriend.
It doesn't really matter about how you feel about the girl.
The important thing is that he may someday discover that you really aren't his best friend, and it is all a hoax. I think it may hurt him really deeply.
If you love HIM, you will do the right thing by him.
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 To answer this question honestly I will have to ask 2.
1. Do you have trouble getting girlfriends? Are you shy or awkward?
2. Do you just use the women you date for sex?
I bet one of those is true isn't it.
So lets face some hard truths. Your falling for these girls because they are the only ones you actually sit down and talk with. Because you don't have to hit on them, it far more comfortable and fun to be around them.
Its time to grow up and go out and meet women and actually have relationships with them. Stop making excuses and do it.
If you continue down this path you will just end up loosing your friends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 I agree with Chigirl, stay away from he as much as possible, DO NOT let her use you as a shoulder to cry on or vent about your BFF, I'm SURE she has GF's for that. She should BE SO far off-limits it's not even funny. After all she has said YES to marrying this BFF of yours. THAT is how off-limits she IS.
IT DOESN'T matter that their relationship is rocky. That is NO excuse.
You know you are heading down a road that NO GOOD can come from. It's a one way ticket off a cliff, basically. You can perhaps break them up, you will lose a friend and SHE might SEE you who who you are someone who likes to get "attached" emotionally to unavailable women.
I think you are seeing her with rose-colored glasses. That she is so amazing and perfect, but in reality and behind closed door she may not be. After all they go engaged but it seems to be falling apart, that isn't just your BFF's fault...
Go out with other SINGLE friends. MET new people. LET your BFF and HIS fiance SORT themselves out.
Another thing is, you may think your BFF can attract "better" women then you can, but maybe he has just gotten lucky. You two may share the same "taste" in women. And I seriously doubt she is the only female around. So.. FIND your own GF.
I wouldn't tell either of them. I would just take a break from spending time with the pair of them. Now you can still spend time with your BFF if you know she isn't going to be there.
I have seen this scenario play out and it wasn't pretty. It broke apart a large group of really good friends. And the two in the center of the drama (very much like you and "the Fiance") didn't last 5 months. And they BOTH lost some really good friends. And the rest of of us were left to pick up the pieces.
The grass is NOT greener on the other side, IT IS greener were you WATER it. Think about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 February 2015):
 It is not at all strange to fall for the girlfriend of ones best friend. It happens all the time, for us women too. We fall for the boyfriends of our best friends, or heck, some even fall for the best friend of their boyfriend. I had a guy I was chasing once, and because I was always around flirting with this guy, I got acquainted with his best friend too. Turned out, I fell for the best friend instead!
So, this is quite common and NOT something to go crazy about. It is only natural, because as friends you share a lot of the same interest, and very often you will have the same taste in women as well. When you KNOW this to be a fact (after two times it's happened, you can count it as a fact), here is what you need to do:
STOP HANGING OUT WITH HER. AVOID HER.
The crush will end and the feelings will stop, and then you will be available to find your own girlfriend. Take your crush as a good sign instead: your best friend has a good woman by his side, and good women are naturally attractive to you as well. But you wouldn't want to be with a woman who left your best friend for another guy anyway. So treat your crush as a sign of approval of her, and then back off. Once you get her out of your daily life and out of sight, the feelings will fade.
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