A
female
age
41-50,
*arlena
writes:Hi, I am a married female 32 years of age, and recently ended a four month affair with a married man,2 kids, same age as myself. He worked in the same building, and after many months of serious eye contact, approched me and we started off just spending time chatting, and eventually started having a very hot and sexual relationship.Here's the problem....his wife read some of our text messages, and called me one night. Basically, he told her we were friends that worked together...the texts were somewhat sexual in nature, but I told her we were simply joking, and that i was married as well and we wouldn't text again. So that was about 2 months into our affair. After his wife read our texts and called me, he didn't contact me for 2 weeks. He came by my office to apologize and I told him that's it, this is done, I don't want to continue as it's too risky. I should add that his wife works for the phone company that they both have their cell phone plans with and has access to his bills and would be able to see if we had further contact. After 2 weeks of no contact, he messaged me saying he couldn't get me out of his head and keeps thinking about me.Long story short, we started up again, this time our sessions hot and steamier then the next...amazing sex. Of course during all this, I had to deal with the guilt of going home to my husband. I should add that he's a wonderful guy, and the ONLY thing missing is that spark, the sexual lust that I LOVED sharing with my married lover. My married lover started saying that if my husband ever found out about us, he would leave his wife for me,that he loves her but he's not in love with her, and if they didn't have 2 kids together (3 and 5) he would've left already.Here's the thing, about 2 weeks ago, I started feeling as though I was developing feelings for him, and I started to question my marriage, even though this started off as am strictly sexual affair. I broke it off with him, even though deep down I didn't want too. Considering he told me he wanted to be with me, and he would leave his wife if I was willing to leave my husband, he didn't put up much of a fight when i told him it was over...funny enough, the day after I ended things, his wife messaged me saying she knew we were still talking and that she was going to send my husband a letter (she had my old mailing address, but I still get my mail forwarded) telling him about me and her husband...after hours of back and forth and us messaging eachother I told her nothing was going on and that we were friends. She finally believed me after I did EVERYTHING I could to convince her...she had no proof that we were sleeping together,. so in the end she dropped it and just said the only thing she wants is for us not to text anymore. I e-mailed him and said please dont ever contact me agian, it's over and we've already caused his wife enough pain, not to mention my guilt. He said he would leave me alone, he will never forget me and it was an incredible experience. This is my dilemma, I miss him SO much and I don't plan on contacting him, but I need help moving on. I know what we did was horrible, both of us cheating on our spouses, but we found something in eachother that we missed and were lacking from our partners. I'm hurt that he let me go so easily, which I understand because now his wife will be checking his phone records all the time. And I wasn't looking to break up his marriage, even when he suggested leaving his wife for me. But I can't forget about him and how is it so easy for him to let me walk away? I just want some closure, something to help me move on. I ended it on a sour note with him and I wish I could've said something nicer to him like he said to me. But I feel if I e-mail him (that is the only way I could communicate with him) I'm opening the lines of communication and I promised myself after his wife after the last time that was it...what is wrong with me? I have NEVER been the cheating type, and I;m not looking to hurt anyone...but do I stay with my husband who I love dearly, but have a boring sex life and he's let himself go, or do I move on with somebody new, take a chance and meet a new man? Is a great sex life worth losing a man who is loyal and faithful to me?
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affair, married man, move on, sex life, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2019): They never forget their lover. It’s possible to love someone and know that the situation is not right. Personally, I believe that someone can love more than one person at a time. It’s possible to find your true soulmate even though you love your spouse. It is true love many times in an affair. I understand that because it happened to me. He wants to work on his marriage & I respect & love him enough to let him go. I will move on & so will he. I know that he misses me terribly & wishes our situation was different. Things are what they are. He’s the first & last person I think about every day. You never forget. For the betrayed spouse this is hard to grasp. But you may feel better knowing that he/she loves you enough to stay with you. Just understand that the AP is still in their thoughts.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): I think you've had a lucky escape. You've betrayed your husband and gotten away with it. You've nearly ruined his marriage and gotten away with it. You have some hot steamy memories and a new fire that you should take up with your husband and if you can do that then it might just be the perfect crime. Well done.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): what tem said but you have to tell your husband
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): If you are married, then you should not contact the other man - or any other man- again. You'll move on in time. Just focus on the love you have at home and remind yourself that what you did was wrong and hurtful to someone else. Your husband. The other man's wife. They are victims here. While you were having hot sex and excitement, those two people were lied to and cheated on repeatedly. They do not deserve that. They were hurt and your great time with a married man was at their expense. If it were me, these things would make me feel horrible enough to not think about my loss. Try to focus on making your sex life at home hot again. Talk to your husband about what you want in bed and how you MISS that kind of spark. Find things that you both find sexy and do them together. Buy some hot porn and put it on the DVD player together. Turning to others at work is certainly not the answer. It is also unsafe in every sense of the word and it only causes pain to innocent people. Forget the other man. He's got a wife and he has made his choice. Don't open any doors with emails or otherwise. My wife cheated on me and I told her I will dump her if she ever emails that other person or sends another text ever again. I was put through that. The secret texting and emails and lies, coming home late... I was crushed. She was killing me and our sex life is HOT. She wasn't cheating for the sex. She was being spiteful because she got greedy and thought she could have me and sneak someone else and she felt she got married too soon. But that was not my fault and she chose to marry me. I had no way to force anyone and I don't abuse her or cheat or anything. I'm really good to her and she has NO complaints about our sex life whatsoever. SO focus on your marriage and finding ways to talk with your husband about spicing up your romance and sex life together. And stay faithful to him. If you cannot or will not do this, then get a divorce. At least it's not cheating.
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 You are in a tough situation right now. I really commend you for breaking it off and sticking with it. The only thing you can do right now is ride it out and not contact him at all, no matter how much you miss him. You will never get to a place where you feel better if you contact him. It will only set your healing back and prolong the agony.You can compare what you are going through to drug withdrawal, because, in a sense, it is. When you had liaisons with this man an lot of "feel good" brain chemicals were released. You got hooked on it. Right now you are experiencing withdrawal from it and it's tough, but it does end. Have you ever tried to quit anything, like smoking? This is just as difficult as something like that, but it can be done.People in this situation typically say they need closure. They wish they had ended on a high note, instead of the way they did, etc. Whether you realize it or not, this is your addiction speaking. You'll meet or talk, get your fix, and you'll feel the horrible feelings subside for a while, but the horrible feelings will return and then you will think of another reason to contact him It's a vicious circle. Your passionate affair highlighted some things that were missing in your marriage. I think you probably had passion for your husband at one time, but that state never lasts forever. Eventually passionate love turns into compassionate love. That is normal and if you were to leave your marriage for your lover, it would happen to the two of you as well.You have a wonderful husband, but you feel your sex life is boring? That can be fixed. Try directing your energy into making your sex life with your husband more interesting. There's lots of ways to do that and lots of resources available, so I will not get into that here.Just be strong and do not contact your married lover. Things will get better in time.Best of luck, TEM
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