A
female
age
36-40,
*roken1234
writes:Ok I am in some need of help here, and any advice is greatly appreciated..I posted on here recently about how I had cancelled my wedding to my fiance who I have been with for 3 years and that I was considering leaving him because I feel we just want different things in life and were just not right for each other.Well recently I had made the decision to leave him and he is BEYOND devestated. I dont think he seen it coming. I am now back at my parents house and its hurt me soo soo much to see how much I have hurt him, he hasnt slept, ate or stopped crying in days. I feel like a horrible person for doing this to him. Hes saying things like "I just cant believe this I thought you were the one, It hurts so bad that ill never see you walk in the door from work again, or be able to kiss you good night or hold you before bed" when he says these things it just crushes me because I can hear the pain in his voice. I dont know how to get over this???? I dont know how to deal with knowing the hurt and pain I have caused the man I love. However he is 30 and iam 23 and hes ready to settle down and though it unfortunatly took me three years to realize it, I am not ready for that. He also has an 11yr old daughter and I dont mean to sound horrible here but ill be honest, im just not a kid person and I dont like that situation either.. I dont want to be playing mom to an 11yr old at the age of 23.. I know some of you will say why didnt you think of this sooner, but because I loved my fiance so much and had never dated anyone with a child i thought i would give it my best shot. But if i still dont feel any better about it after 3 years i didnt think it was fair to him or his daughter to carry on and get married. I am young and want to experience things in life, i have always wanted to travel and never have, he never wanted to travel.. I love to hangout with friends and he doesnt, he always just wanted to spend every second of everyday with me.. and he was also very insecure when I would go out with friends I would get accused of cheating and be called names (he admits this stems from his past relationships) I just dont feel hes the one, yet he is an amazing man who loves me to death. Since I only live once and I am young I want to get out there and experience life. Its just SOO hard because other then his insecurity he really was an amazing person but the qualitys just wernt right for me after time. I feel so horrible for all of this and I feel even worse when I talk to him and hear the pain in his words and voice. Is what I have done wrong?? How do you get over someone who did nothing wrong to you??? Im so lost and confused, please help!!
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crush, fiance, insecure, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Don't judge yourself too harshly and do forgive yourself too. To err is only human.It is destiny that you cannot be together.
Try to learn from the mistakes, but do not blame yourself for the breakup.
Do things that would help you in relieving your emotions. Cry if you want to, as crying is believed to be a good way of easing one's pain.
Keep yourself occupied and busy and go out and enjoy with friends.
Time will heal all your pains.
reference:-
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/dealing-with-a-broken-heart.html
A
female
reader, lancashiregal  +, writes (4 March 2010):
Some of coments are soo cruel.Wonder if they have ever made any mistkes in life?Yes she made a mistake and maybe feeling guilty, she doesn't deserve to though!! i think it was a shame you hadn't thought this threw properly...... like a lot of women don't in general(not meaning you!)we want to be loved and in a relationship, some can not or ever have lived without a man in there life.It always a good idea to take time, find what it is that you are about, understand yourself and learn from others, and decide what your want your future to be like. It's good you feel sad about what has happened that's your remorse yet also better now rather than when afer the marriage. Maybe,its a good idea to explain once that you love him but you are not ready for this commitment and that you need to find your own way in life, no apolgises will help but you mean them, but it is goodbye and wish him all the luck in th world, he deserves. I wouldn't recomend keeping in touch, it will just prolong the pain. I know., I loved someone and never wanted to leave but I had to, it just would never work out, its not because I wanted to leave either. Thats how hard love can be but also keeps us going: )
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): I don't think you're especially wrong for what you did. Sometimes when people meet everything is right but the timing. You needed your space to experience life, grow, and find yourself, and he should have never been expecting a serious commitment from a 20 year old. That's just life, and exactly why I don't date women under 25 looking for anything other than fun times.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (22 June 2009):
 I think you've been very brave to be woman enough to be honest with him and let him go.
You did a noble act, and although he is gutted, you made the right decision for yourself.
Hurting other people isnt always our intention, but ultimately you have to think about yourself because it is your life, and time is one thing u can never regain back.
I understand you are feeling guilty, (which is good it shows your not heartless) , and you can only explain to him why u did what u did, he will never understand it, its probably best if you guys had a little space to have things calm down.
You have to move on to and get your head together and not dwell on this past.
Your still very young and have alot more to experience.
well done for being brave, and honest, not alot of people in relationships have these qualities anymore!!
tell him you will always love him but you just not IN LOVE with him.
good luck & dont be hard on yourself. like i say you have been brave to do this!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): if you really want to ease his pain perhaps you need to ensure you have NO contact with him whatsoever. by keeping in contact what will this do - just keep his wounds open that is all. then it will be like rubbing salt into his wounds actually. so the way forward is no contact. your hurting doesn't even compare with his so maybe you cannot understand his pain. i also think you have deep rooted problems and going to a counsellor would not be such a bad thing.
if you want to enjoy your life and your freedom then you also need to be upfront when you hook up with other men again. tell them you just want to have fun with no serious attachments. in this way there will be no misundersatndings and a lot less hurt and pain. i think you owe the next person that much, at least.
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A
female
reader, broken1234 +, writes (22 June 2009):
broken1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your kind replys passionatelynumb, starfairy and eyeswideopen. It was nice to hear something positive! Support is definatly needed during this tough time!
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb  +, writes (22 June 2009):
 Marriage is a huge, life changing commitment! You have every right to call off the wedding. Please don't let others make you feel guilty about this. You left him because he wasn't right for you. He is an adult. He can take care of himself.
You are so wise and strong to be able to call off the wedding knowing it wasn't the right thing to do. My mom had second thoughts about getting married to my dad, but she went ahead with the wedding against her better judgment. She was your age by the way, and my dad was in his thirties. Anyway, she was never content; never happy. unfortunately she waited 27 years to finally get a divorce. She left my dad in devastated and in debt. Your ex-fiancé should be happy you were strong enough to stop things now instead of putting him through a messy divorce years down the line.
You are so young and have so much ahead of you. Don't feel bad for this man. He's the one that got someone else pregnant at age 19. Its not your fault that you have to play mom to an 11 year old. He's the one that doesn't want to travel. He's the one who doesn't want to go out with friends. This man was smothering you!
You would have been miserable in this marriage. You would have felt trapped and eventually you would have started to resent him and his daughter making them miserable too. You really did this guy and his daughter a favor. Unfortunately he may never see it that way.
This man needs to find a single mom who is ready to settle down and raise a blended family together.
Please don't feel bad, it took so much guts to do what you did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): I can see your point. You are doing the right thing, but from his point of view you will be a horrible person like you said and nothing would change that. Actually may be you are, but you need psychological help I guess. However this does NOT make you a bad person. You just have huge psychological troubles, and he is very unlucky to love you that deep for that long time. Best luck for you both.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 June 2009):
 You gave it your best shot but it just wasn't the right fit. He'll get over it and you can help him by not keeping in contact with him. Remember..like a bandaid. You shouldn't allow yourself to be confused, focus on your future.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (22 June 2009):
 In the long run you've been very fair to him - as it wouldn't be fair at all if you had doubts about marriage or a future with him.
Keep your chin up, I know how you're feeling, I've been there (not engaged, just the one to break off a long term relationship). xx
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A
female
reader, broken1234 +, writes (22 June 2009):
broken1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFooled him? I loved this man more then anything, but we ended up growing more and more apart.. Its hard to be the one to stand up and say its not right when you love someone. As I said I had never dated someone with a child, so because I loved him so much I gave it all my best shot but didnt feel in the end that it was good enough for them. I dont see how that is childish. I asked for help and advise during this tough time I didnt ask to be put down, I am already hurting enough.
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A
female
reader, broken1234 +, writes (22 June 2009):
broken1234 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFooled him? I loved this man more then anything, but we ended up growing more and more apart.. Its hard to be the one to stand up and say its not right when you love someone. As I said I had never dated someone with a child, so because I loved him so much I gave it all my best shot but didnt feel in the end that it was good enough for them. I dont see how that is childish. I asked for help and advise during this tough time I didnt ask to be put down, I am already hurting enough.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): i think you have every right to feel guilty since you fooled him for 3 yrs. if you felt this way about his child why make commitments. maybe you are still childish and need to also grow up. i think you actually saved him from more heartache and pain. he just doesn't know this yet. you fooled him for 3 yrs and i think you lived a lie sor so long. don't worry, his soul mate will make up for all your tormoil you have caused in his life. this guy had a lucky escape from you.
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