A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met this amazing guy and we seemed to hit it off from the start. We spent every day together, having fun just doing anything..we just enjoyed each other's company no matter what we were doing.He told me all the time how much he loved me, how amazing he thought he was, how happy he is etc. It was great..but..I wasn't used to that. I wasnt accustomed to being with someone who constantly said these wonderful things. Eventually, it just freaked me out..I don't know what's wrong with me.My friend told me to just not worry about it. My guy was probably really sincere and meant everything he said..and not to say anything.I didn't listen....and now I've created this huge wedge between us. He says everything is fine and we're ok, but I can tell it's not. He doesn't tell me he loves me, if he does either I say it first, or it's just "luv u"..nothing like it used to be.Things feel strained between us. I don't know what he's feeling because he won't tell me, he just keeps saying nothing is wrong.We're still together,and he says he still wants us, but I think he doesn't feel "safe" anymore. Safe to express his love (I hope it's still there, I don't know anymore .) He says he doesn't want to "drown me out" with saying those things to me all the time. I try to tell him that I was completely insane..and I think I was o.O I don't know WHY the hell I would complain.I've completely ruined the most amazing thing I ever had because I freaked out over something that I've been wanting my whole life...what the hell is wrong with me?Please help me to figure out how to make him feel safe again;how to get that incredible connection we had back.He's so detached now, and I don't know what to do to bring him back. He didn't say it was over..he's still here,but the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed,and I so desperately want it back the way it was. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): It is possible that now you have what you have wanted...and drawn to you -this loving man, that your fears and insecurities are spoiling things for you. This is possible. Try to get them in check, and instead, ENJOY the unfolding of the relationship. Enjoy being loved and enjoy loving him back. Enjoy all the great things about him.HOWEVER, in my personal experience, I spent a long time trying to work out if I had fears/insecurities or it was a strong intuitive gut feeling things weren't all they seemed. My intuition was unfortunately right. My bf had a few secrets about other women...just flings and flirting/sexting etc, but still not the man he had led me to believe he was, and not something I expected from a man so deeply in love with me.I would be KEEN to know how it works out for you, I spent years trying to work out what was going on, so I would like to know if your INTUITION is working well... or not?thanks.
A
female
reader, LilBee +, writes (8 February 2012):
Well I had to register to keep posting lol!
But anyway...
Well..yes, I would have to say it was my intuition/gut feeling that something didn't feel quite right that finally made me say something. He is all those things you listed,except for pressuring into more of a commitment; but yes, he does seem "too good to be true" and very charming.
I want to believe he is in fact sincere, but I do have to admit that I still have a nagging feeling. And I would like to add, that overnight he's changed again, right back where he was telling me all the time how much he loves me etc. I posted my question last night, and now this morning everything is back as it was in the beginning.
It's this kind of behaviour that caused me to finally " freak out". On one hand I do hope it's for real, but on the other,it just seems..."off".
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Everything will be alright as long as you concentrate on just being happy and making him happy. From what you say, you've not much experience of nice guys... that's why you worry so much, but there is no need, these little upset do happen and with time they disappear.
Take care of you and him, and keep us posted or come back if you have further problems.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Just a thought.... having had a similar experience... was your intuition telling you something wasn't quite right? Did you feel he might be 'too good to be true'? Was he falling in love with you quickly? talking about marriage already?... Is he charming? all these things CAN be good things... but did you intuition cause you to freak? Did he pressure you for more committment than you were ready for...ever so gently and lovingly? Just a thought for you... keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): To Dodds and Miamine:
Thank you both so much for your replies. I didn't see them before my last post.
Miamine: You're so right! That's all I can say. Everything you said was like a big slap in the face to me...I'M the one being incredibly selfish here. Thank you so much for opening my eyes.
Dodds: I've started to try to do that..to try to be the girl I was, the one he fell in love with.No pressure, no expectations, just fun, flirty etc.
You both are right - he is still around,and I know he still cares or else he'd have left. I know it will take time. I will do my best to patient because this IS important to me - HE is important me.
Thank you all so much, I sincerely appreciate everyone's advice. I will still keep posting to let you know how it's going, and I still appreciate anyone willing to add more to what these great people have already said.
Thank you again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Hi, thank you for your reply.I don't think it would be a good idea to let him know I've been seeking help for a matter that, well, should be between us..as good as the intentions are. But I certainly do appreciate the advice.Besides, I've told him everything I've said here, he does know.I, myself, am here simply because I am at a complete loss at what to do, what to say that I haven't already said. I know I've hurt him, and I can't believe I did this.It's been so hard to get to him to talk about anything, not just feelings,etc.,he's not one to share things easily.Now I've managed to put HIS walls again and imagine he's afraid of showing anything anymore.This is probably one of the most important things to me,and I need to find a way to fix it before it's too late..I may have lost him already, I don't know.I have never, in my life, met anyone like him. I didn't think men like him existed, and I've managed to completely push away what I've been longing for my whole life...and I've said this to him.I'm in tears because I don't want to lose him, or what we have, but I don't know what to say to make him feel safe again,to let him know that he doesn't need to be afraid to be himself with me again.I WANT to heal his wound, I want heal "us" and I will do and say anything to make that happen...
...............................
A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 So he has toned down with the intensity because he was perceptive enough to see that it freaked you out. That's ok, so take a deep breath and relax, he is still around right? Just go with the flow and all will work out fine, focus in having fun and enjoying each other's company, he still cares and is letting you sort out your emotions at your own pace. RELAX and stop making a mountain out of nothing
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
Leave it alone for a couple of months, or better still a year, and then very casually ask "Do you love me", and if he says yes, then ask him to tell you in words.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
I know from experience that when a guy pulls away like this, it's very hard to drag them back. It's not that they don't love you, it's just that you told them to change, to stop saying things that upset you, and once they have changed it's very hard to change back again. After being rejected, it's very hard to relax and be carefree again.
You need to calm down... you getting upset again about this and demanding he change to suit you, is just like the first time, him changing to suit you, and nothing he does is right. Calm down, he loves you and the relationship isn't ended.
You need to change instead... try telling him you love him all the time, try showing him in words and actions how much you care. Try to do this without expecting anything back and try not to be in a hurry all the time, your supposed to be in this relationship for the long term. He needs to see that your a stable person who means what she says. He needs to see proof that love words and caring are alright with you. For that he needs time not demands that he change or questions about why he is different or why he has changed. Show him with words and actions what you want your relationship to be. You feel upset that he's pulling away, you feel rejected, well put yourself in his shoes.. He tells a woman he loves her and she goes crazy, he stops telling her he loves her and she goes crazy again.
Slow down, the past is gone... just work on building the loving future you want. Like a dog that's been beaten, he can't just forget and think that this time he'll get a treat and not a kick. Give him lots of loving words, kisses and cuddles and maybe one day he might give you them back. Mistakes unfortunately can't just be fixed like that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): One thing you didnt mention is how did you put a wedge between you two. I dont get it. When a guy stop doing the things he used to do and you know you are still the same person he met then that means he is the one going through the emotional suffering and wondering why he is doing those nice things for you when he does not deserve it. Therefore he pulls back.The best thing for you is to not say anything, be your normal self. Smile always. Get yourself busy and pay him no mind but still be nice to him. He will open up to you when you just be yourself. If he doesn't it means he is not that interested and just looking for ways for you to resent him yourself. Makes his job easy. You have already showed him your weakness by listenng to these folks. Now he knows he got you and does not need to try too hard to win your love.Girl go enjoy life and be happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Thank you so much for your reply.
I did tell him why I freaked out,and we have have talked extensively about it.
I told him that I do trust him completely. I've told him that he did nothing wrong..he's been so loving, caring and always there for me; he's everything I've been looking for.
I said that I feel so lucky to have found him and that he makes me so happy.I told him that he treats me better than I ever thought possible,and for me to get scared over that was just plain ridiculous.I said that I truly believe that his feelings for me are real, and I've tried to reassure him that mine are as well. I said we found something in each other that neither of us thought we'd find, and that I love him more than I thought was possible to love anyone.
I said that I love hearing the wonderful things he used to say, and I want to hear them again and again and again. I don't know if, as I mentioned, he feels scared of opening up again, or of the feelings just are not there anymore.
I know you said I need to say things that cost me everything to say..and I'll do whatever it takes to get him back to me..but I have no idea what those words would be; what more can I say?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Talk to him. And talk to him some more. And talk to him some more! And then talk some more!
The only way you will get what you want back is to become emotionally VULNERABLE. You need to think about why you freaked, and you need to tell him. You need to rip your heart out of your chest and show it to him.
You need to do this because you're terrified of rejection. You freaking out and putting up a wall because you fear being hurt or feel you don't deserve his affection needs to be communicated to him.
He's hurt. You hurt him. You need to be his healing, so YOU need to show him how you feel about him. I'm not talking about gifts, or flippant "I love you's". I'm talking about words that cost you everything to say.
...............................
|
