A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a guy for 6 months and the entire relationship has been long distance. I met him through friends last year while on vacation in his state and we talked for months online before I flew there to spend a week with him. For the most part he seems like a great guy. He has many qualities that I look for in a boyfriend. Over the past few months, there have been some significant fights due to his lying. During the week I spent with him, we had a fight about his ex girlfriend, someone who I was very insecure about and didn't immediately trust he was over her. A few minutes later when we weren't talking, he started texting. I asked if he was texting her and he said no, it was his mom. Later that day I went through his phone and found texts to her at that exact time I asked if he was texting her. All I could see was her response "I'm not sure yet but probably makeup and a pretty dress". Obviously this led me to believe he asked her what she was wearing out that night. I confronted him on this and he said she was making a joke about what a social butterfly should wear in public. Trust me, I didn't and do not believe that story.He lied to me a second time that week about not texting her anymore. I had gone through his phone earlier in the day and found several new messages from her. Although they all seemed innocent, he still lied about talking to her saying he "forgot" he had talked to her.I realize this should have been enough for me to leave him right then but I decided to forgive him after we had a long conversation about her and him lying to me. My problem now is that he currently has a 'friend' who is a girl over at his place on a Friday night. It's just the two of them hanging out doing God knows what. He made me feel guilty earlier saying she was the only friend he knew in the area (he recently moved for a job) and he wanted to hang out with her. He told me that by me saying no to her coming over was saying I didn't trust him. I asked him to tell me if she was coming and he said he would. Over an hour went by and he didn't text me so I called him. She was already there and he asked if I wanted to speak to her on the phone. I said no I didn't he laughed at me in front of her and hung up on me without another word.I sent him several angry texts and he told me I need to 'stop being so emotional and irrational' and he wouldn't cheat on me since she's just a friend.While I don't believe he would ever sleep with someone else while with me, I don't trust that he wouldn't do other things such as make out or be flirtatious.One last point- he became very angry with me when he learned I have a male chiropractor and told me he was uncomfortable with me going to him. Apparently a male professional is unacceptable but a girl his age on Friday night alone at his place is something I should be ok with.I feel very torn as there are other qualities that I do really like about him and we get along amazingly outside of our fighting about these issues. Am I overreacting for being this upset over this or do you think it's time I break things off?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 April 2014):
 I think your relationship is already over, and I agree with llifton here. You both violate trust here. He is violating yours by still talking to his ex and lying about it. However, you are violating his by digging through his private correspondence, and within the first week of you being together! Seriously, I'd dump someone who hijacked my phone and started digging around in it as well. That violates privacy AND trust.
He's saying you're acting crazy because you are. You've only been LD with him for 6 months, and within the one week you met up, your most important discussion was about his ex? Trust issues are very unattractive, and LDR timelines aren't like regular timelines.
If he's talking to her, then break up. Your place isn't constantly checking on people, and if he's not being trustworthy, then end it and be done with it. A lot less stress that way.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (13 April 2014):
 Trust is the most important factor in a LDR. His ex is his ex for a reason... and if he wanted to get back with her, he wouldn't be with you. So, you really need to give him some space if you want this to work out. Both him and yourself need to continue your regular lifestyles while you explore and grow your relationship together. I disagree with you going through his phone/text messages and restricting him from hanging out with this person or that person. Again, it's all about trust.. and in this case, respect for his privacy. There's nothing wrong with messaging a female friend or an ex if the content is clean. There's also nothing wrong with hanging out with a female friend even if it's one on one basis. You're so afraid that he will flirt or make out with her... are these your imaginations or did he give you reason to believe the will do that? Will YOU flirt with the next single guy that comes your way? If you won't, what makes you think your BF would? If you really care about this guy and want this relationship to work out.. please learn to trust him and give him some space!I'm not sure how often you message/phone each other... but maybe try setting a time out at night before the both of you go to bed.. call or facetime each other to talk about your day or set up movie dates where you both are online watching the same movie, or lunch/dinner dates where you both are eating at the same time. There are many sweet things that couples in a LDR can do! Whether it's a few minutes or a few hours per night, I think over time, you will begin to understand him more and have more faith in him and your relationship.. then maybe little things like this won't bother you as much. Best of luck!!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 April 2014):
 I don't think you should have taken up with him in the first place. Unless either of you has concrete plans to relocate a long distance relationship is pointless. All you're doing is calling dibs on someone you can't yet have.
You have no reason to trust him because you barely know him, he's already been caught lying and frankly because an online girlfriend cannot compete with a real life one. Your 'relationship' is typing and talking on the phone. Who wants to spend their Friday nights at home alone, typing on a keyboard when they could be going out on dates with a real person?
Staying with him is hanging on to an unreasonable hope. Eventually you have to face the facts.
I say do the dignified thing and just let this one go. You can't really have him so let someone else have him.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 April 2014):
 Number one most important factor of a relationship is trust. Without it, you don't have a functioning relationship. I can't tell which came first; it's like the chicken or the egg type of scenario. Basically, I can't tell if he started lying because you were acting crazy about his friend, or if he was already lying which prompted you to start acting crazy. Either way, both of you are in the wrong.
For one, you shouldn't be going through his phone and trying to catch him in lies. If you were my gf, I'd have dumped you for doing that on the first instance. I don't put up with the invasion of my property like that. Also, I don't like being nagged and nit picked. If I want to hang out with someone, I expect my partner to trust me. It's pure misery to be told who you can and can't hang out with.
He's also in the wrong because he's lying and covering things up. That's never justified. Is it possible he's lying because he feels afraid to tell you the truth because he feels you're going to blow up unjustly if he does? I've been in those shoes before with a partner who was so jealous that I felt compelled to lie about innocent situations just to avoid the negative and unmerited repercussions. I didn't lie, however. But I sure wanted to and felt the desire! If that's not the case, then it sounds like he's just a douchebag and a bad boyfriend who doesn't respect your feelings.
You need to learn to trust him. To back off and give him his space and right to do as he pleases. If you can't and what you say is true - that you think he would make out with another girl, than I don't know why you're even still in this relationship. it's time to get out! If you feel you can't trust him then you don't have a relationship.
Good luck.
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