A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I'm not sure if I need any advice, maybe I do. I think I just need to talk.I'm feeling overwhelmingly sad, lonely and desperate. I'm in a difficult situation in my life at the moment it's turned my brain to mush.I'm a 24 y/o gay women and I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 6 years. It's not a perfectly happy relationship, not just because I'm gay (I've always known I was bi, until recently realising I was gay). He's manipulative and controlling without even realising it. He's a very intelligent man in most respects, however not so much in others, which has led me to distrust and resent him. We have been in a polyamorous relationship for the last 2 years, which I've convinced myself into being happy about - which I'm actually not. I've been a people pleaser for such a long time without even realising it, I've become a person I don't like and gone along with things I'm not happy with so nobody becomes unhappy with me, so he doesn't stop loving me. So now, when I'm alone, I panic, I think what is my life for if I'm not doing something for him or someone else? I feel like I don't exist by myself. We are generally happy day to day, we don't argue, we cuddle, we have good sex but I can't live like this for the rest of my life.I am planning to leave him. But there are complications which I've unknowingly brought upon myself which makes me unable to leave now.I've not worked, hardly ever, I have no references. I've been supported for the entirely of our relationship because he earns a lot. I've been the person who makes his life easier so he can concentrate on work.I have no real qualifications in higher education. I am currently studying to get a diploma in CBT which I will complete around this time next year. However this will only enable me to be self employed. I need to get a relevant degree to go with it in order to be employable. I want to do a degree in nutrition. In order to do this I need to do an access to higher education course, which I can enroll on in September which I'll finish in July. I need to be with my boyfriend as I can't work full time and be studying full time. If I try to get a job now so I can survive by myself, I'll be stuck forever, I refuse to do that. The plan is to get qualified enough to get onto a uni course, and when I have my place, I'll leave. This isn't everything.I think I'm falling in love with my best friends gay 40 y/o cousin. And it's killing me. I'm not sure if it's actually love, most likely extreme lust with a hunk of longing and loneliness thrown in. I've know her for just over a year now. We had an instant attraction when we first met. We haven't spoken much, we've only recently started texting a little the last few weeks because she knows I'm gay and my current situation and she's been giving me some support here and there. The last 7 days I've been staying with my friend in London (I'm from Brighton) with the intention to study a bit and explore the lesbian scene for the week. I haven't studied at all because tbh I feel very depressed. All I've been doing is watching Lip Service, listening to music and going on long walks. Last Saturday we went to meet her cousin and friends at a women only gay bar. We were both drunk and ended up making out. It was incredible, the best kisses of my life. It set my soul on fire. Nothing happened after that, she had to leave early for work the next day and we headed home too as I had drunk on an empty stomach. We've spoken since, and it's fine. It's gone unspoken that nothing can come of our attraction, nothing serious anyway. Too big an age gap, different points in our lives, my situation and her desire to be single and unattached are all barriers. This is also an unusual situation for her. She's so used to hooking up in a bar and never seeing that person again. She can't do that with me. She told my friend that perhaps in time something more could happen but not for now. My lust for her is killing me. She's living with her mum temporarily at the moment and we went over there for lunch yesterday. It wasn't awkward but we have to basically pretend that we don't find each other attractive, not talk like we've been texting. Just being around her made me feel drunk, her smell was intoxicating, her smile and laugh, how sexy she is in jeans, I just wanted her to touch me so badly or even just give me some eye contact as acknowledgement but of course it didn't happen and I didn't expect it to. She's very good at holding back and being appropriate. In the last week and after that lunch in particular, I've felt incredibly depressed. I've also not been sleeping much the last few weeks so that inevitably contributes too. I feel no joy, apart from when I speak to her a little. The novelty of being in London has worn off - I was hoping to get a load of studying done and to perhaps meet some hot women, but neither of those things has happened. I had this idea of what living in London might be like and it hasn't been that. I want to move to London and I thought this week would be a motivation to stick at my plan but it hasn't, it's left me feeling terrified. I've lost my motivation for life, I do not feel excited by my studies or doing a degree or by anything that I will benefit from in the long term. The only things that excite me are short term instant gratifications which have the possibility of relieving my loneliness temporarily - hooking up with someone I have a real connection with. I feel so emotionally screwed up. I don't want my happiness to be based upon another person, I want to be happy being by myself and feel satisfied bettering myself with education. Thank's for reading, just writing this out has helped a lot.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): More than anything you need an education to become independent.
You are too reliant on other people, and you're just drifting around aimlessly. Part of your problem is a lack of focus and you're lazy. Your boyfriend has spoiled you. You have to have enough ambition to be self-reliant, and gain job-experience in order to financially support yourself. Right now, you have no options. You say you have to please others?
Well, life is give and take. You feel you have to make others happy; but perhaps it's in return for what you're getting. Try to control any sense of entitlement. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If you depend on other people, they expect things in return.
Just get a simple part-time retail job to earn your own money, and get work experience under your belt.
All you're interested in is fooling around and having sex; and not getting your life in order. You're a grown woman living like an irresponsible teenager. No goals, refusing to study, and crushing on other people when you're in a relationship.
Of course you feel depressed. You're bored with yourself. You're a child in a grown-woman's body. You need responsibility and a purpose. You need to feel useful.
Get a simple job to earn money. Take the first job that will hire you. Stick it out with your boyfriend until you have some money saved up. Or you will have to move back home; because your only alternative is being homeless.
If you show no ambition, no one is really going to want to take you in. You have to pay your own way, and you can't get a job with no experience or education. You are lusting after the the older woman; because she is gay, and a convenient distraction from boredom. An idle mind is the devil's workshop. You have nothing to do, but possibly get into trouble.
You have the opportunity to go to school and make something of yourself. That should be your first priority. You're not lonely, you want a gay relationship. Not the relationship you're in. It has lost it's novelty, and you need to break your old routine.
If you get work, you'll have a different perspective on things. Don't give up on your schoolwork. It takes self-discipline and commitment. Be grateful, and try to make the best of what you have for now.
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