A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well...here goes. I've been with my 18yo girlfriend for about 19 months we moved in together about 6 months ago and i think things aren't working out. It's the most bizzare feeling as i do still love her, i just know that despite this i don't want to spend the rest of my life with her. i know whatever i do will hurt her, but i'd like to know how to minimise this. i guess i'd also like to know whether i'm doing the right thing.I've been confused for so long now, i tried to end it before but when she cries i just melt and offer to start over. i have trust issues, both of us have cheated on previous partners, and she's become secretive with her phone over the last couple of weeks, its back to being like when she was flirting and sending sexy pictures to her ex. i have been thinking about ending it extensively over the past few days, but each time i do i breakdown. I guess i'm trying to come to this decision now because financially its at a good time. my gf is unhappy with her job and wants to move, and the lease is coming up on the flat we live in. she wants to buy a house (which we can't actually afford) and i'm just not ready to take that step. i feel so guilty as she actually moved 300 miles to be with me and now i'm just throwing it away. it used to be wonderful, but so much less so since i stopped trusting her. i've tried to trust her again and somtimes i succeed, but i realised the other day i have not forgiven her for flirting with her ex.what should i do?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (5 March 2007):
 Every long term relationship has its ups and downs, but the fact that you don't see her in your future is glaring insight. It sounds likes you care for her well-being but don't trust her and have come to the conclusion that you are not going to get past this. AskEve's web site is terrific and the only things I can add are things that my two kids (21-25) have said, don't tell them that you want to remain friends if you can't do it emotionally. Don't say "it's not you - It's Me" (trite). Don't (obviously) break up on any special occasion or during a period of stress for the other person; i.e. they are in exams, if it's an anniversary or any holiday, if they were just fired, having just lost a parent or friend, etc. You said that it is a good time to do this financially for you both and it would be foolish to make another step forward together when your heart isn't in it. Its time to make a clean break. Don't let any guilt, second doubts or tears sway you this time. You have to do what is best for you now. Good Luck and Take Care.
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (5 March 2007):
 Sooner rather than later you need to braoch this subject and get it all sorted. Especially if she thinks this relationship is going somewhere.
Tell her exactly what you have told us and work it out from there.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I think you've pretty much made up your mind that this relationship isn't going anywhere. It's just HOW to tell her that you're worried about. When a relationships breaks up, whether you've been together for weeks or years, there is still going to be someone who is hurt and this can't be helped. YOU need to remain strong though. Sit down with her and be assertive and in control. Tell her that exactly what your fears are, the trust issues and how she's being furtive with her phone all the time. Let her know this is not a decision you have made lightly but you've thought about it for a long while now and you think it's better for both of you that you break up, at least for a while to get your head sorted.
Of course she'll cry so be prepared for that but remain strong! Don't let her tears undo everything. Let her know that the lease is up soon and you are NOT renewing it, you have made your decision.
Pick the right time to tell her and tell her when you are both alone and have time to talk about it. Keep your emotions in check. Don't seem too happy about the breakup: you'll come off as mean-spirited. Just be kind, caring, and considerate. Don't react! Some people don't handle rejection well. she might yell, scream, cry but it doesn't mean you should react to their meltdown. Remember, rejection is tough. You've already got the upper hand by deciding to end it with her so let her behave ridiculously if she chooses to. It might also be a good idea to give her some time to herself after it so making yourself scarce for a few hours might be a good idea. (Take your key with you though in case she tries to lock you out.)
The term "break-up" implies a hard stop. But, often, a break-up is really a change in the nature of a relationship, where friendship remains, but a closer physical connection, and a desire to build a life together, is taken away. Try to look at breaking up in a more positive way, and see how it can transform your relationship. Here is a link that will give you some tips:
http://www.wikihow.com/Break-Up
Eve
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