A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all. I’m in a dilemma. I have been dating my girlfriend for about five months now. I feel like our relationship is doing well—that we are making progress, etc. But, it has only been 5 months. Right now, I can’t bring myself to say ‘love’ yet. And she hasn’t, either. But I could definitely see myself reaching that point at some time in the future. So, all in all things are going smoothly—a fairly normal relationship so far I think. But then, a major wrench: I am in the National Guard, and I am deploying to Iraq for 12 months early next year (some time in January). So I have this looming deployment on the horizon. I don’t really know what to do about it—and it’s really skewing the outlook I have on my relationship. For me—as the guy who’s deploying—of course I like the idea of having a girlfriend back-home to write to me. And I feel like, because of that, that I’m kind of accelerating the pace of our relationship artificially—so that we reach the point where we do say ‘love’ before I would deploy. Which isn’t really how things work. For her, she’s had a past boyfriend who is in the military, and who has deployed before. So she kind of knows how this is going to go: I’m going to go over there, and miss her terribly, and maybe start thinking that we are closer to each other than we actually are (her past boyfriend proposed when he got back, then broke it off a few months later – something, I may add, that I am very confident I will not be doing). For my part, I realize that is going to happen—and I want to think and hope that I’ll be able to stop myself from becoming artificially more attached to her than we are, but I don’t think that I’m going to be able to help it. And then also, it isn’t really fair for her at all. If I deploy, all of a sudden this relationship is forced to become serious. There is nothing wrong with the relationship at all—except for the deployment coming up when it is—before we’ve reached the point that I want to. The problem comes about because of this disparity between how much I like her and how much she likes me. The deployment is pushing me up artificially (to like her more, so that I can keep the relationship going while I’m over there), and pushing her down (I’m deploying for a year—and I’ll be completely out of the picture for that whole time—just when she got used to me being around, etc). But then, if the relationship were /not/ being skewed by this deployment, we would (and do) like each other enough to keep it going. Is this reason enough to break off a perfectly good relationship? I mean, I want to think that liking someone should not depend on actual physical proximity—we live hours from each other right now and it’s working. I want to keep dating her—I don’t want to break it off—but then—being gone for a year does complicate things so drastically.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 September 2008):
 Yes, being gone for a year complicates thing drastically, but only because your relationship has not yet got to the state where one year away won't matter that much.
I think your prospects might be better than you believe. She was involved with another man in the Army before, and she could stay with that guy. If her experience had been that bad, maybe she wouldn't want anything at all with someone who will eventually be deployed as well.
I think, however, that it's only human that you want to accelerate the pace of the relationship. I don't think many of us would even notice that. You know yourself, and that's a plus.
I think you should let the relationship go on at a normal pace, one day at a time, and then, when you're ready to leave, ask her what you can expect from her. Don't push it. It is clear that you would want more. It's not clear whether she will. Let her make the decision when the time is right.
If I were to lose my girl in some time, I would anyways want to be with her these months.
I wish you the best, always, wherever you are. Man, do I sympathize with you.
A
female
reader, the ex wife +, writes (23 September 2008):
 Hello and congrats on your feelings with this girl. Sorry to hear you are deploying but THANK YOU for fighting so people like me can have freedom.
You two have only been together for 5months hugh? Well, if you are going over for 12months you have to ask yourself if your relationship with her is strong enough for her to wait that long for you to come back. To be honest, a lot can change in a year. I know you will miss home like crazy but a letter from a girl shouldn't be the basis of your question of "do I say Love".
What if you make your short time together special, let her know how special she is to you and let the rest go from there. I honestly wouldn't say "love" because you might get hurt when you come back if she got lonely and found somebody new. How about making it friends?
I would definately let her know how you feel about her but I wouldn't say love simply because you may hurt yourself when you come back SAFE & ALIVE!
Just let it ride. You will know what to do. If you two are ment to be, she will be waiting for you when you come back home.
GOOD LUCK AND BE SAFE!!!
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