A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I quit porn?I've been watching porn for years. I have had sex very few times through my teen/young adult life and feel a lot of shame that I cant have sex as easily as my friends. The idea that most girls will have more experience and that I might be terrible at it since its been so long really bothers me. I've tried abstaining but after a few days I get sad that I dont have any girls interested in me/talking to and give up. The only very serious relationship I had was in high school where we both waited and didnt have sex until the end of the relationship. Only one other time with a different girl about a year ago.Some factors are controllable and some are not. I went to a commuter school/busy in grad school and some are because of low confidence etc I realize this is a crude question and I am not trying to disrespect women. I am not sure whether I am looking for a relationship or something more casual just that I am realizing I base my worth on how much sex I am having.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2018): Thank you for the well-written replies. OP here. So obviously I have tried some things to solve this problem. I remind myself that I just graduated grad school and will have an amazing job that pays well so that wont be a worry in life. I remind myself about some of my strengths etc. Then I try to put my situation in an objective view. I have more experience with women than a handful of other people I know and while I only have slept with 2 other girls,I have made out etc with more. Not to deviate too much. There have been a couple of girls in my life that I grew very close to my ex included and another that I messed up because I was very self-conscious of my lack of sex. I thought I have to fix this through casual encounters(like my friends) and I didn't want to put her in a situation where she would get hurt although I think she still was. We never did anything romantic although we admitted interest in each other eventually. We are still friends but I try to be as nice to her as I can. Then with the 2nd girl I slept with I didn't feel attached to her that much.. maybe I wasn't as attracted to her or in my head I thought this one night stand didn't feel good idk. A big problem I'm having is that many of my friends moved away for their jobs and now its hard to build a social circle. I feel awkward going to bars alone and just sitting for a drink. I've been going to the gym a lot to put off steam. When I start residency next year, I wont have any time really to date and am worried I might have severely screwed myself for being socially awkward in my teens/early 20s. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2018): Do exactly as WiseOwlE says. You must busy yourself with other things like going to parties,joining groups... Adopt a hobby that you really like, learn to play a musical instrument or join your local theatre group or a sports club, mingle with other people and take interest in what is going around you and have a girlfriend. Don't go for the ravishing beauties only. They are too difficult to get for a young man with little experience. Be contend with nice ordinary looking girls. Aspire to build your personality and develope your social skills and take good care of how you look and dress. Read read read great books. That is how you develope your personality and become a compassionate and kind person and a good talker. Also most important you must have a life goal to achieve as a career and actively pursue that goal because there is nothing more effective to develope your personality and mature well as a busy and promising career. Once you learn to build healthy relationships with the opposite sex and fall in love with a girl you will have no need for porn and you will see how false porn is compared to the real thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2018): You have to go cold-turkey. Block porn on your devices; so you won't be tempted. Try to refrain from masturbation. It's total mind-reset or reprogramming. You might need some professional-counseling; if you think it has reached the point of addiction. It's an addiction, if you cannot stop after repeated effort.
I don't think fear of having less experience is entirely the problem. I think you can't connect mentally and physically at the same time. You first need to be into the person, allow attraction to make an emotional-connection; then follow-through with physical intimacy. It's tough when you haven't been around "real-people" in a sexual-way. Your mind is tuned to visualization and fantasy; but live-interaction boggles the mind. Performance-anxiety results. You haven't learned how to show affection, and then mix it with sex.
Masturbation is a lone-act. Sex requires a partner or partners. Communication sometimes without words, using primal-instinct. Fear comes into play when you feel detached, and you're in your head. Thinking sex, not having it.
You can't come out of your head; because you're too used to being a loner. No one challenges you emotionally during masturbation. Intellectualizing, creating imaginary-scenarios, and idealizing notions about females; but never really wrapping your head around the fact that they are human beings. Not objects. You've objectified women so long, being around a real one makes you feel uncomfortable.
What's the lack of experience got to do with it? You've had sex before. You're not a virgin.
You haven't developed your interactive-skills. That's done by socializing. Talking and being at-ease. Mingling with random females to enjoy their company. Going to parties, showing-up at open-guest events, getting lost in a crowd, and hanging-out with groups of friends. Talking to strangers. You have to get out of your head, and come-out into the open.
If you avoid interacting with people; you'll always be awkward and introverted. You can't form attachments to women. Instinctively scoping-out those personality-traits that arouse you or moves you, both in mind and body. Not just through pure lust; but romantically. You're young, and you've got plenty of time to catch up. Don't compare yourself to others. We're all unique.
Don't stress on it! Anxiety is nothing but panic and unsubstantiated-fear of the unknown. You feel scared before you've got reason to be. Fear is paralyzing and/or confusing. Sometimes you have to let the one who has the most experience lead the way. Don't feel ashamed.
You've got to undo what you've trained and conditioned your mind to do, and comeback into the human race.
You've relied on your hands and fantasy too long; and you haven't tried to allow yourself to "feel" anything for a woman. Don't have sex until you actually feel something; and nature will takes its course. It's not how many times you have sex that makes you better; it's how your mind and body synchronizes with another person, forming emotional-ties leading to sexual-chemistry. A dog or a bird can have sex.
Nobody teaches them how. You just figure it out as you go!
You may have some arrested-development when it comes to making "emotional-connections;" but you simply have to practice at it. Stop letting fear create ideas and mental-visualizations about what will happen before you give yourself a chance to try anything. Comeback to the humanity; and separate yourself from the digital-world. Throw-out your videos or books. Turn-on block-mode on your phone and devices. Delete old history.
Use your hands to please somebody else besides yourself.
It's all instinctive, but deal with getting the porn out of your head first. Find distractions when you feel the urge to touch yourself. It's not crude to ask these questions. It's how you learn. You've seen enough porn to know a few tricks; but you have to learn how to like a girl before you boink one. Stop touching yourself so much, there's nothing left in you to share with another person.
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