A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for one a half years. I have often had doubts as to whether I ought to have married him (I have had no other serious relationships and barely any boyfriends) and more recently I have been quite unhappy wondering if this us really the person I'm to spend the rest of my life with. I have had hardly any experience with men, and lately this has begun to trouble me. I don't know why but I have felt v unhappy. The spark has gone from between us, we bicker lots and barely ever have sex. I have tried to fix this and help the problem nut it still continues. The thought of telling him I was unhappy was too hard I didn't want to hurt him. So I kept trying. Now it's all gone horribly wrong as I have been unfaithful. I am quite a flirty person which my husband knows, but never before have I gone further. I have now been intimate with 4 guys, and this week I had sex. I didn't enjoy any of this, I felt awful. But why do I still want to do it? Something is very wrong here I shouldn't be having these feelings but they are there. The relationship is clearly suffering as I am riddled with guilt and constantly thinking of ways to tell him. But he will be crushed I just can't bear to do it. Is this spineless? I think I have been with the same man so long I'm just unhappy that I've missed out and jumped in too quick. I can't help but wonder is he definately my soul mate? Am I to continue with him just because I think I should? I think I have to tell him my feelings, and that we need a break so I can sort my head out. I do not want to cheat. I'm feeling sick about this but I'm just constantly unhappy I really don't know what to do. I'm not saying I want to leave him but I think some time apart would help me realise what I actually want. It's not fair me continuing this, but he does know something is wrong and we do argue a lot. I'm sorry if I sound like a cow, I have been a bad person but I just want him and to be happy, even if that means being apart.
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a break, crush, flirt, soulmate, spark Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies. I'm feeling pretty sick mow if I know i really have to tell him. I'm just debating though as I still don't know what's best to do. If I tell him I'm unhappy in the marriage he'll be crushed enough, if I add on that I've been unfaithful that'll be too much? I'm going to hurt him whatever I do but should I be totally honest or just miss this bit out to save him? I do think that we need to spend some time apart so I can really know what I want, and if he is definately the man I want to spend the rest if my life with. Problem here is not havin anywhere to go! I don't think I can tell him then continue to live there it'd be awful and we'd need the space. I also don't know whether to just leave it for now and see if things improve before I say anything. Bu I just feel guilty about acting normal while knowing I'm thinking all these things. I just can't beAr to see his face when I tell him he'll be so upset, but maybe it's better to be honest. I think it obvious something is wrong anyway.
A
male
reader, chevara  +, writes (24 July 2009):
Wow, wow, wow, so you made a very poor decision. Can you make things right, thats the issue. Look we men or women are not perfect. But pay attention to this, when a man is unfaithful, hes a man, men do those things. And when a woman is unfaithful, it is blown out of proportion. But the way I see it is like this, there is no difference when a man does it or a woman does it. The truth is, we both have feelings, we both have hearts, and we both know right from wrong. But no one knows what you are feeling, but whatever it is try to controll it. It may be you are going through a hormonal change, which may cause you to push your man away and search. That does not justify what has happened or will happen. I hear more and more women say " I made a mistake by marrying him, he was not the one, and I am so unhappy". He may have been your one and only, before the bad decisions. So does that justify anything as well. 9 years together, any kids? Does the time, effort, everything you 2 have been through mean anything.We all make bad decisions, MARRIAGE is not a walk in the park. Talk to him, know that he will be hurt, so think it through before anything is said. But remember this," For better or worse, through sickness and health, for richer or poorer" and " Till DEATH DO YOU PART ". Those things are not to be played with, GOD will not be mocked. So remember, the grass is not greener on the other side. It may be for a while or a moment, but thats all it is a moment. The easiest thing is to give up, but the hard thing is to fight and make it work. If you don't have kids you can make things right for both of you, whatever dicision is made. With kids in the picture, no one wins, everyone loses. Trust me I have walked in those shoes.So overall, it is never too late to think things through, and may take time for you. You need to find yourself, clear your head, you really need to think about telling him. Think about the damage that will come with it. Every action comes with a consequence. Turn to the man above for forgiveness, he is the one to judge, not us( husbands) even though it hurts so much, and a commitment is there. This man has done something right for the past years, love is just a feeling, you can not survive on love alone. Love fades with time, it's there all the time hiding, just need to find it. You wouldn't want to him to judge you, so think before any action.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (23 July 2009):
 People make mistakes we all do things we regret as a christian i have God to turn to faith helps. Tell your husband the truth thats the only way to end your guilt and even begin to solve these things in fact tell him basically what you wrote in here you can even write it on a note for him if its to hard to say of hes a good man and loves you at all hell forgive you and start working on changing things.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (23 July 2009):
People make mistakes we all do things we regret as a christian i have God to turn to faith helps. Tell your husband the truth thats the only way to end your guilt and even begin to solve these things in fact tell him basically what you wrote in here you can even write it on a note for him if its to hard to say of hes a good man and loves you at all hell forgive you and start working on changing things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): Whether or not you've realised it, you've answered your own question in your question.
You have the right attitude wanting everyone to be happy and happiness for you is not with this man. You need to either split up or take a break and think things through. He needs to know the truth and more importantly how you feel.
Yu're not spinless, you just did what you did because of the way you're feeling. At least you have remorse for doing it.
Let him go so you can both be happy. Follow your heart and you will be all right.
Best wishes
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