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female
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anonymous
writes: I have being with my partner for 16 years, his best friend committed suicide leaving a distraught very attractive widow. She told my partner that she had always had feeling for him and to cut it short they have had a breif affair. I had very strong suspicions but was never completely sure until a friend whom my partner confided in told me something had infact gone on although my partner had regretted it and it was over. I have now been told that he has been sleeping with prostitutes whilst he goes abroad, my source told me he pays for one at the start of his annual bachelor holidays and has one for the week. This person who has told me this has no personal benefit only that he says he is a loyal friend and won't see me made a fool of anymore. Although he has made me give my word in that I can't confront my partner with what I Know. How can I find out?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (20 April 2006):
 I think the way your husband is behaving is disgusting not to mention hurtful and spiteful. I would advise you to get a divorce as soon as you can and thorw him out. I thnk personally it is despicable that some emn behave like this.
A
female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (20 April 2006):
 If you confront him about it he will just tell you its not true, and that won't put your mind at rest because I doubt you'll beleive him until you have concrete evidence (e.g walking in on him in bed with someone!)
The problem here is gradually the trust you have for him has been broken down. You are a caring person, who I'm guessing sees everything from everyone elses point of view. At the beginning of your question you already excused your husbands affair by setting the scene. You placed the women he had an affir with as the victim INSTEAD of YOU being the victim, which you were.... Regardless of her situation you're husband should have known better.
Ignoring the fact that he could be sleeping with prostitutes now (I'll speak about that in a mo) It sounds like you still need address your feelings about the affair that he had! That is what initially broke your trust, and that is what is causing you to be so unsure now. I think that you need to focus here on one thing at a time, and start by addressing your original feelings about the affair. If it has taken away some confidence than you need to get it back! Because you won't be able to stand up to him about prostitutes if you don't have the confidence!
There are many ways to work on confidence building I'd suggest the gym to start with. Also think of all the friends or people in your life that don't let you down or give you reason not to trust them, the ones who are there for you unconditionally. And start planning your time with them. You need a breather from this hassle right now, and you need strong support group around you, so work on that!
Now as for the prostitutes. It could be true! Once you've had a taste of the apple you give in to temptation and go back for more! Why does he go on bachelor holidays! He is not a bachelor he is married!!! Tell him that from now on you'd LOVE to come on ALL his holidays with him and that you couldn't think of ANYTHING that would make you happpier. Tell him that and mean it! INVITE YOURSELF to ALL his holidays, and judge his reactions! Is he happy for you to join him, or does he resist? You may have your answer in his reactions! Also why not get a private detective! He can't blame you as he has already broken your trust so what does he expect!?
Just ask yourself, why does this man think he can walk all over you, WHY do you let him, girl now is the time to become assertive, a new you is needed to find out if these rumours are true or not. Use the fact that he could come home with AIDS and pass it onto you, to push you forward and make sure you take the nessessary steps to put your mind at rest!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): Convince him of your "sixth sense" and flat out ask him if he's been unfaithful in any way at any time. A woman's gut feelings are not to be taken lightly. And whether or not you get an honest answer, remember to leave him. Sixteen years of living a lie should be enough for any woman, regardless of how much you care about him. I mean, you don't even really know him, after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): I'm so sorry to read your story. It must be like living with a stranger and the pain of that will take it's toll. These allegations are not really possible to ignore so perhaps you will have to tackle them sooner rather than later. The affair will probably be the most hurtful part, but the prostitutes are a habit he must break, they mean nothing to him but they obviously provide some boost to his esteem. Please don't think he is making a fool of you, he probably does'nt see it that way, and he's really making a fool of himself. He is the problem not you. However, you are now in pain and you need to put yourself first. You have to confront him but how you do it is a difficult one.Only you know how your relationship with him is. Would he cope with the fact that you instructed a P.I. or would it be better for you both if you confronted him directly?You come first here because if these stories are true, he's placed your feelings second. do what is right for you.But do't let this go on a moment longer. Good luck, what a painful situation!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): Whatever else you do, first see an M.D. about any possiblity that your husband has transmitted a social disease to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): "Private detective" are the two words I suggest, but it costs quite a bit over the long run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): Hi,what part of this bothers you the most? the affair or the prostitutes? where does he go on holiday? If he is going soon, maybe you could hire a private investigator to follow him to see if he is sleeping with prostitutes. You need to find out because he could be putting your health at risk. Does he go alone? If he goes with friends, are there any of them you could raise your concerns with? As far as the affair is concerned maybe you could speak to the widow about it, find out if there is any truth in the story, or again speak to other friends to see if they know anything about it. Hope you work it out
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