A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help understanding men. Recently I met a guy went on one date and realised it wasn't going to work and we weren't that compatible. So when he texts asking if I want to meet up again I say no because I'm busy and moving in a few months (which is true but if I was really interested it could work). So then I get more flirty texts to which I don't respond to (in a flirty way at least) and then he texts asking what's wrong and lets meet up. I say no and then he asks me why I don't think we'd work out. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. Should I be more blunt? I mean I don't want to seem rude but would guys prefer that? If not how should I deal with it in the most efficient way? Personally if a guy told me he's not interested, I may be disappointed but I'd move on.Also out of interest what attracts guys? The truth is I'm not desperate for a relationship. If the right guy comes along fine if he doesn't I'm happy on my own. I want to be left alone for the most part. If something interests me about someone, I'll start talking to them and see how it goes. At the moment I'm having loads of men ask me out which is getting annoying as I don't seem to have a lot in common with them but I'm curious at first to see if they think we have something common. I don't dress up, in fact I make a point of wearing jeans and t-shirts and no make-up to the first few dates so the guy is under no impression I'm a girly girl or would be into one nighters. I'm not hot, I'd say I have a pretty face but an average body. What could I be doing wrong? Or will most men go for anything with a pulse. I don't mean to sound like all men are sex crazed maniacs, in fact most I've met wanted a relationship so I don't really get why they're asking me out when they don't know me that well. If I'm honest I feel like they're wasting my time.Finally (and I apologise for the length) what attracted people on here to their partners? Did you have a big interest or life goal in common? Is it true that alot of people in relationships are together for the sake of it, their topics of conversation being about their day and the only hobby they have in common is having sex? I haven't actually been in a serious relationship yet or had sex (which only a couple of really close friends know). I've been told I'm fussy and I don't have a problem with that but I'm wondering if I'm missing something about everyone's behaviour?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Also QuirkLady - I don't think there's anything wrong with being a "girly girl" it's just that I'm not one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): Ok thanks everyone.I will def use Mandy's advise about getting a seperate phone.Adamantine your relationship with your partner is the sort of one I'm looking for. I have seen a lot of people in a relationships for the sake of it. The men I meet seem to be under the impression that if we have a laugh at even just one thing (when drunk) and out of everything in life only have one dvd in common (this actually happened) then we should give it a go. About the dressing up, I appreciate what you're saying but I don't have any problem attracting men. Maybe I wasn't clear but I actually want them to back off. I don't dress up because the only time I do is once in a blue moon for a themed party or something. I want every man I date to be aware right from the off that I will rarely if ever dress up. If he doesn't like that he can take off before it becomes a problem or an issue in the rship where he will start saying I used to dress up at the start and now won't anymore. The truth is I just don't like it and feel it's a waste of my time. If I can't find anyone because of it, so be it (not that it's in anyway been a problem).
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 let me correct a few assumptions on your end first - dressing up for a date does not automatically mean you're a "girly girl" (and what would be wrong with that, hmm?) nor that you are looking for a quick hookup. dressing up means you are interested in the date and want to look nice, and that's all it means. it's not a crime to dress well.
as for the response to texts, don't change a thing. some guys don't know how to take rejection well. those are the guys who will whine and moan and want endless answers. "I'm not interested in you" is a perfectly acceptable answer that doesn't require explanation.
guys ask you out because they want to get to know you better. that is what dating is for. you go on a date and if it doesn't work out you don't go on another one. if you have a nice time, you go out again. also, beauty is subjective, so while you might think you're average, the guys you meet clearly think differently.
while it's true that some people are together just for sex, that's not the case with most relationships. try one. you might like it.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (22 May 2011):
 If you don't feel the spark, you don't feel the spark. You can't force something that isn't there, and that is not being fussy.I think when it comes to finding the right person, you just have to know what you're looking for. Someone who has the same interests as you, who you can get along with well, someone you can talk to and most importantly, someone you're attracted to (if there's no attraction it's simply a friendship!).What attracted me to my partner was his love for creating music, as well as his ability to make me laugh. We have the exact same sense of humour and are super weirdos when together. We understand each other so it's easy for us to talk and just enjoy each others company. I'm fine alone, but he make's everything wonderful. I think when someone is with their partner for the sake of it, they have probably either given up on trying, or feel that they either cannot find anyone else, or are scared of being alone. These types of relationships (from what I've witnessed) seem to be tedious and can be quite draining, because rather than it being something you enjoy, it becomes something you put up with.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (22 May 2011):
 Hi I am with you on this one. I cannot stand it if a guy dont get the hint when I dont reply, after he sends flirty texts. If you dont think there is anything in common be blunt, but nice at the same time . just say thank you for a great eveing, but I dont feel there was a spark between us, i hope you find what your looking for. For future dates , have another number they can contact you on, and keep your usual phone number just for freinds and family. That way if you dont want to be hassled you can switch that phone off :) However I think you may be scared of commitment too, and scared of loosing your virginity . I think it's ok to wear jeans and a t-shirt, I see your point in that, But it's not really going attract your date that much, they would feel you have not really made an effort. in which case they probally chill out and not give you any chemistry. I think you need a girls night out, let your hair down and get a little crazy :) when you least expect it that man you dream of will walk straight into you . xx
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