A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for eleven years to the wrong man. I love my husband as a friend but am not in love and I don't think I have ever been. I knew the day we got married and he called me a bitch before walking down the isle I was making a huge mistake. We have had some fun times in our marriage and have two wonderful little boys together. We have also had our fair share of hard times. My husbands life revolves around his work first and foremost. He will find work to do on a day he could be at home with his wife and family. He choses at night to sit in our garage and drink beer until it is time for him to crash on the couch. He has a very angry temper and loves to throw me against a wall from time to time. Not only do my boys see this they are starting to act out in a rage towards me. We do not commuciate at all anymore on anything. I know the way he treats me is how his father treated his mother. They divorced after the kids went to collage. I don't want my boys growing up thinking this is acceptable. I am so torn. I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. But I feel this is the life I chose and I feel so guilty for wanting to leave?? I know he thinks I am the love of his life. He does'nt know what real love is. I am past the point of wanting to show him how to love. HOw do I know when it is ok to walk away? What is the best way to do it without destroying this mans heart?
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Isn't it strange to see how human nature works. Your husband called you a bitch on your wedding day, abuses you, and drinks himself to sleep every night. But YOU feel guilty about walking away!
It's ok for all the aunts to say walk away. I know it's exactly what you should do, and you know it too. But you, me and the other aunts also know it won't be easy.
You should never have married him, but the event was organised, the flowers were in place, the guests were arriving, and the honeymoon was booked. You couldn't let all those people down. Instead, you've let yourself down. Well, stop. Stop living a lie, and start living the life that you and your children deserve. You are wasting time. Time is the one thing that you can never ever reclaim. Time is more precious than gold. Don't waste it.
I'm sure that when you were a young teenage girl at high school, this is not the life you had in mind. So don't settle for unhappiness, as if you have no choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. Take control, leave this beast of a man, and start to blossom like the beautiful flower that I'm sure you are.
Live YOUR life. The way YOU want to live it. Don't worry about breaking his heart. Be glad that he hasn't broken your spirit like so many abused women. Promise the other aunts, promise me, and most of all, promise yourself that you will DO it. x
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 June 2009):
 This man isn't capable, at the moment, of being either husband or father. Particularly father. You will be hurt and damaged by his behaviour, but at least you had the whole of your childhood and life before him to develop. Your boys haven't got that chance - he is all they know, and trust me, it is so easy and quick to ruin a child's happiness and set ways of behaviour and confusing feelings that lead to basically spoiling their own developing characters and making their lives ultimately less happy and more difficult.
Spare your boys this pain. And yourself. A male friend of mine said to me very recently that once a guy has called you a 'b**ch' to your face, it's all over. You've lost his respect forever, and he will never treat you properly.
I'm afraid I think he is right. There is NO shame at all in removing yourself and your children from an abusive situation. You have done nothing wrong. HE has broken the deal - he has failed to keep the terms of the marriage contract. He promised to love and cherish and respect you, and he hasn't done that. Physical and verbal/emotional abuse is not part of 'for better, for worse' - it simply isn't acceptable, and is not what you signed up to. So the marriage has already been spoilt.
Just work out how to leave, get away, and explain to him that it is because he simply doesn't respect you, and he is fxxxxxg up his kids. End of story. Start a new life.
I'm sorry - it is so very hard - I know. I'm just saying what I think is the best way, because it's no life to be abused, and then ... what? What if that's your lot? Life can be so much more beautiful and better than that.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I agree that you should have walked away before saying "I do." What I can't understand is how you're worried about how this will affect him by walking away, instead of protecting yourself and your children from being exposed to this abuse. Your kids are also learning how marriage works by being exposed to yours. It's time for you to break the chain. He has not right to treat you the way he has, and you deserve to not be abused as you have been. It's time to get out and teach your children what's correct and what is not.
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