A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 and I have been lying about my age for nearly 10yrs. I don't know why I first started doing it, I just did and have carried on since. I live in a different country to where I grew up so it technically wasn't easy to do. Then I started dating a man who was 9yrs younger than me and of course the lie carried on. (Well, he knows my real age but he has carried on my lie to his family and friends for me, as I started feeling paranoid about our age difference)So now I am in a situation where a lot of my close friends or even people I know actually think I am much younger. People think I am 25 and because I have been lying so long about it, it is easier to just carry on. And I look quite young too.Now I am in a situation where I find it a little taxing. For instance, at my age I am still not settled or have a career and have no stability and I am worried I may miss my chance at having kids etc cos of my age and my poor economic situation. Normal stuff maybe a woman would worry about in my age and position. When I try to talk to people about these feelings, mainly they shrug me off and tell me about how young I am and that I still have another 10yrs before I need to start worrying about this! And of course, for me to just come out now and tell people who I have formed close friendships with or my flatmates etc that I am actually much older feels so awkward. It can change the dynamics completely and people will feel they can't trust me. (The only thing I have ever lied about it my age, other than that - I am generally an extremely honest and trust worthy person).Just dont know what to do. I am starting to really worry about so many things about being in my mid thirties and it feels I dont even have friends to talk to about this. And if I am honest, I don't particularly feel like coming with any confession after all these years.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 May 2014):
 I can see how it makes sense at work (for you) to "tell a white lie" about your age. BUT if you start seeing someone I would be VERY upfront about my age.
I have actually NEVER met a woman who lied about her age. But in your case I can see why it is an "advantage" to seem younger.
I have met GUYS who lied about their age (in their teens and early 20's they would lie themselves older)
MAYBE it's time to find a decent job, pick a career - it's NEVER too late to start finding something you want to do in life.
Don't give up.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): show people and a lot of ordinary women also always lie about their age, so where is the problem?
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Hi Op,
Your follow up to my original response makes sense now. Yes its a cruel industry where women over a certain age are no longer considered for shoots. But I think you need to accept that the time has come for a change of career now, rather than wait a while and suddenly find that you have gone the same way as your mother looks wise and suddenly find that you have visibly aged and, in the nicest possible sense, cant get work. Also, photographers, make up artists, etc. will soon get to know you if your career does take off a bit more leaving you in a situation where, as time goes by, they will realize time isn't standing still and question your age.
In your original post you state that you have a poor financial situation, which suggests, with respect, that you are not making mega money with the modelling job. I would find something different to do career wise. I know its difficult, but you do need to be honest about your age with everyone you meet in future and find a job that more suitable for someone your own age and for the long term.
Im sure you are a great model, very beautiful and you come across as being a nice person and very intelligent and articulate. But for whatever reason your career doesn't seem like its hit the stratosphere and, realistically at 34, is unlikely to. BUT tthat could be for the best as sadly, in a general sense, the model industry can be seedy, exploitive, lack empathy and can leave young women (and men) with emotional issues, etc. In your case I can understand why you would lie about your age. But would it not have been better to lie to those that needed to think you were younger rather than your flat mates? Or are your flat mates also in the industry?
Although you do have friends around your own age or older, they obviously think that you are younger than you are and treat you accordingly. So you don't really have someone who treats you as an equal who you can talk to. I do think you need to meet a new circle of people, being honest from the start, with whom you can talk openly and not be treated like a youngster or have the "when i was your age" crap.
My advice is to find another job/career that will support you financially into your middle age and hopefully beyond. Its pointless clinging to your youth in the forlorn hope it will keep giving you chances at being a model. There are plenty of other jobs you can do which will give you piece of mind about your security and a better financial situation. Modelling is not a 9 to 5 job. If you don't get an assignment you don't get paid!
Could you move to a different flat with new people? I know it would be hard but a fresh start, with people who know your real age from the start, would be so much better for you I think. You could, and probably should, tell your current flat mates and friends your own age how old you really are. It might be excruciating but once the initial cringing is over and things settle down you will hopefully be treated differently. If you explain you had to live a lie to get the work they should hopefully understand.
I empathise because I look a lot younger than I am and I HATE it! Im 36 but people treat me like a kid so I constantly feel trapped. My dad had a serious heart attack a couple of years back and my partner was seriously ill at the time. I was at times upset, fed up, stresses, anxious, a little short tempered. I got no sympathy at work! People who didn't know my real age, who assumed I was about 19, would say "You wanna grow up Son! Mopping about stressed at your age! You should be out there enjoying your youth! You'll bloody know what stress is when you get older Kid!"
I also get the problem that people, even those who know my age, perceive me as being really young. I also get the "oh honey you have got years left to do X, Y and Z yet!" or "When I was your age..." from people younger than me. So I sympathise my friend I really do!
Obviously your situation is a little more self inflicted ;-) but the situation is similar. I could tell you stories that would make you wet yourself about things that have happened to me by people thinking im really young. The problem you have is that it makes you feel worse when well meaning people say "don't worry, its not like your in your mid thirties is it!" or "Its not like your clock is ticking..." when you know that you ARE in that situation.
I would tell them, find a new job and find plenty of new people to socialize and mix with your own age who know your real age form the start and don't need to know any of this.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): ++++++++++ I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER ++++++++
Hey all,
Thanks for the comments, but I feel people have fallen off target of my post. Please scroll down further to find my follow up explanation on how I got into lying about my age. It is a career thing. And no, when I was 25 I wasn't saying I was 15. In my follow up post I said when I was 25 I was saying that I was 20.
And in answer to the question, no, people do not think I am lying. I have darker skin which I think tends to age slightly better so I have no wrinkles etc. Body wise, I have a flat stomach, no cellulite, no stretch marks, no saggy bits etc. So even if I am on a shoot in a bikini people feel I am lying. My grandfather who is in his 70s - people normally presume he is in his 40s. My mother always looked very young, and then suddenly, all the age caught up with her in one year. When she was 47, she looked 35, suddenly 2yrs later she had aged by 10yrs. I suspect the same may happen with me. It's just how my family age. We look young for a while, then when it hits us, it is suddenly ALL at once.
Anyway would really appreciate some advice. I feel further on from my follow up people may not have grasped my situation.
Thanks
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (3 May 2014):
 Hi,
Women lie about their age all the time. I would say it wasn't an issue if you'd done it as a joke. I know my grandmother has always said she stopped aging at 25. All she say's now is "I'm 25 and been 25 a long time."
Why did you start lying about your age? I'd come clean and be free of the lie. Do you think anything bad will come of it?
Getting into a relationship based on an age lie is a bad thing, and as far as I can see it. It's the only thing in your post that would make me step back a little. That he now knows the truth and has lied for you, says a lot about this man's character.
He cares deeply for you, deeply enough to lie to friends and family to protect you. As for the person advising to let go of the relationship I would say, "Why?" this man has not raised a finger to you, lied for you and then to be left behind just so you can come out about your age is unthinkable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I should've added that my friend was an actress - a 'failed' one who would not admit that she wasn't going to 'make it' and clung and clung to this fragile dream until she became forty - and then started to get very strange, angry and needy - so some similarity to modelling re. concerns about looking younger. But also, literally, refusing to "grow up" psychologically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I used to have a friend who routinely lied about her age. I knew she was lying as soon as I met her. But I went along with it, feeling that what she really needed was for someone just to accept her and whom she could trust.I was a really strong and good friend to her. It wasn't long before she told me the truth. I was calm about it and talked to her about her reasons for doing it and then we would sometimes laugh a little about the tricky situations she got into lying about her age to other people. I didn't judge her, but I did keep discussing it with her from time to time as I never felt it was healthy for her to do.As time went on - we were friends for about fourteen years - I increasingly realised that she actually had a whole host of other psychological problems. I really tried to work with this as a loyal friend but finally it became impossible. She began doing increasingly unnerving things the more that her own life just wasn't working out - she began REALLY flirting with my boyfriend but in ways that she made seem accidental - like sitting on the floor with her legs up and her skirt wide open to show her knickers off, as if she hadn't realised she was doing it - copying my life and constantly comparing herself to me and bombarding me with her complaints every time I saw her so that I became like her counsellor. One thing that I'd noticed is that when we were ever in other company - ie. if we were in any situation that involved more people than me or her, but especially with people she didn't know very well, she would tell them very personal information about me. I talked to her about it the first couple of times it happened. The final straw was at an event that was so important to my career - it was 'my' night and I was under a lot of pressure to really impress a lot of people - and a very close friend told me afterwards that she'd overheard this friend telling complete strangers my very personal business. I'd had enough and, when I sat down and thought about the extent of her behaviour over the years, I realised I was actually friends with someone who was mentally ill and had severe problems. I was totally exhausted by trying to help her and being continually met with extreme resistance to outside help and yet being expected to be that help for her. I withdrew from the friendship, without any drama because I knew that, after already explaining to her several times that it was just not on to give out private information about me, I knew that she simply wouldn't "get" it. I felt some guilt, but I was also so angry with her and felt very used and drained.I am saying all of this to you because, when I met her she seemed like you in that she said she wasn't sure about her lying and why she did it. At the same time, she invited me into discussing it with her because she liked the attention it gave her (from me) and yet she was extremely controlling about every other aspect of her life. It effectively meant that I ended up being part of her conspiracy against the world, without my realising it. What became evident over the years was that she was a deeply, deeply angry person who had been trained as a young child NEVER to show this but this was why she was so resistant to the world.If you lie about things like this then you are resisting reality and resisting other people really knowing you. For you to have already taken it this far and to "not know" why you've done it, strongly suggests a psychological problem that could end up really trapping you and getting worse as you get older. It's not fair to ask a partner, or anyone, to collude with you in lying - it won't ultimately help you to face up to reality or to the underlying reasons for your lying in the first place. My friend had an absolutely awful relationship with her mother and this, I increasingly understood, was her problem - she never felt accepted or loved by her but, at the same time, she wouldn't get proper help for this, wouldn't even look into that possibility.If you have a bad relationship with your Mum, this could be why you feel so protective and unable to let people "in" by revealing your real age. Please consider that possibility. But whatever conclusion you come to, please go and see a counsellor immediately, you really do need help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I think you need to move out, to another state and move on with your life. I would not even tell them I lied about my age. I would just let the relationship die off. It looks really bad that you lied in that manner, I am being honest. I suspect you will feel a lot worse if you came clean.
I actually feel my nieces mother from Iran is doing the same exact thing. She claims she is either 25 or 26 and she looks much older than that, like 35. She looks older than me and I am 31, though I do look younger than that. She does NOT.
I would not be surprised if she lied.
Anyway, get a job, save some money, and make up a reason why you must leave the state. Eventually stop using your social media accounts and make new ones, and make new friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): How can they even think that you are 25 if you r 34. I can recognize people who are much older than me right away. It's not just physical appearance , it's also facial expression, behavor and so on
Why are do you have people who are so much younger as your friends, there is nothing wrong with that, it's just strange that you lean towards people so much younger
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014): I can't understand why, at age 24-25 - when you started lying - you told people you were 15-16, equivalent to school girl age? That makes no sense at all! How did you get away with not being at school or college? I just don't get it. Can you give more info?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2014):
++++ I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER +++++
Hey Mark,
Thanks for your answer. In response to your question about why did I do it. I guess it may have started with my career. I am a model so I started a tendency to lie about my age when I was still quite young (ie at 25 I was saying I was 20) In this industry you have a sell-by date and even if you are 30 and look like 18, if the casting breakdown says "18-24"...well you get my point. Well it is an extremely ageist industry. The only reason people like Naomi Campbell etc are still going is because they are famous. I am not. And even that was perhaps a stupid choice because at 34 I should have a settled normal career and as 40 looms I am sure my looks will start changing too!
I have friends at around my age (some a little young ie late 20s and some other, ie 30s, 40s) but of course they all think I am much younger! And yes, you are right. I do feel patronised at times because people automatically think I have growing to do and lots of time. Such as my current flatmates who keep giving me these advice when we have various chats. It is always, "Oh when I was your age" or "Don't worry, in 10yrs time".
I moved to this country so I am not in contact with anyone who I knew from childhood. So it was actually quite easy to lie and get away with it in terms of not bumping into ppl from the past etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): The truth frees the soul my dear. You simply let it all out and the weight is off your shoulders. Otherwise; you'll let your vanity wear you down.
People will overlook it as just a sensitive area. And no, it will not necessarily make them lose all trust.
People limit how much trust they offer you anyway. There is always a margin for error. They know there is some imperfection in there you don't expose. So they just patiently wait you out. Don't be surprised if they don't already know.
They can check your identification, see your driver's license, and other documents by accident. There are also people who knew you from birth; who will correct those who don't know better.Schoolmates and other mutual acquaintances who will rat you out. They just don't say anything; so as not to embarrass you. The lie will eat away at you until you come clean. So do it.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (2 May 2014):
Firstly a lot of women lie about there age. Some men do it too. In a general sense its not too much of an issue. Im 36 but nobody is going to treat me differently if I said I was 38 or 33. But once one is a full grown man or woman its less of an issue anyway. A person of 45 isnt going to be radically different from someone in there mid fifties. But ten years is a bit different when you are claiming to be 25 and are actually 34. You say its changed the dynamics of relationships with people who have now found out your actual age, well I don't think its simply down to a lack of trust. Ironically, considering you are much older than you claimed, people may be questioning your maturity. A lot of people, myself included as I look young, get to an age (usually mid to late twenties) when we want to be seen as mature, sensible, having moved on from the young, idealist view of the world and adolescent larking about of our teens and early twenties. We want to be taken seriously, perhaps be seen as promotion material and treated as an equal with our elders (either at work or socially). So to try and cling to your youth as it were and spend years trying to stay in that young age bracket may, rightly or wrongly, make others question your motives and maturity. If your friends are all in there mid twenties and you reveal yourself to be a lot older than them, then they may feel that by now you should have moved on, left behind the things they are doing and achieved what they at least think they will have achieved by the time they get to your actual age. So im not sure why you have lied so long about being so much younger than you are? Was it a confidence thing? Perhaps, in the nicest possible sense, you felt you had not achieved as much as you would like in relationships, work or life in general so decided to lie about your age to avoid being seen as a failure in some way? To be honest, im just a little older than you and I would see 25 year olds as being quite young. I look back on myself and my girlfriends, friends and co workers at that age, or certainly not much younger than that, and I shudder at how different our outlook was back then, how naïve our world view had been and idealistic our ambitions were. It must have got to the stage now where you feel like you are being patronised at times or talked down to? It must be awful having people who are younger than you perceiving themselves as being more experienced and mature than you are? Im saying all this simply because I look YOUNG really young and I hate it!!! Im 36 but look about 22 and get sick of being patronized and treated like a kid. I realize my response is not an answer but rather the question why? You can only live this lie for so long. Eventually you will ever be found out by all or you will push yourself into a corner and realize life has passed you by. You have two real choices. Either tell everyone the truth, grin and bear it and wait for the storm to pass, or you move on and start again with new friends, your own age, and be more honest. I think you need to do a comb of the two actually...tell your existing friends the truth and also make more time for people your own age. If your looking to settle down job wise, have kids and have the "normal" life of a woman in her mid thirties then its going to be hard if everyone you associate with is at the stage of there life where they want to be care free, no ties and enjoying freedom. I wouldn't expect your existing friends, in the nicest possible sense, to understand how you feel. They are years off biological clocks ticking and so forth. You need friends YOUR OWN AGE to help you through this.
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