A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a dilemma. I've been in a relationship for over 3 years now and I'm starting to have doubts. He's really sweet, kind, generous, loves me for me, I can be completely myself around him, he's dependable, smart and hard working with a really good job. He's got everything going for him. Only I'm not sure it's right. I don't get butterflies or tingles when I think of him or when I'm around him, I know we've been together ages and this stuff fades but to be honest I'm not really sure if it was there when we first met. Definitely not like what I've felt for other people. But I know it's not like I know these other people so it must just be a lust thing. This is the first guy I've ever properly been with so I don't have much experience, and maybe it was cos I just liked the affection and attention and the feeling of being wanted. But I don't wanna end a good thing just because I fancy other people. But I'm not really sure if I fancy him. Or love him, what is love I'm so confused! Ok that sounded harsh. But I'm never really in the mood for sex with him but I don't know if that's just normal for me or if that's just me with him, cos like I said I get all these feelings for other people that aren't there with him. I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up with him and ruin somthing good forever and break his heart and not find something like this again. I really care about him but my head's all over the place. Please help! I need advice!
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male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Of course you cant understand what I say, just like most other people you came here looking for some kind of justification or green light to leave your significant other on a whim without doing any work...feeling guilty about it and actually doing something about it are two different things.If people here are reading your mind, then why did you seek advice? its becuase you already made your decision some time ago and you needed the anonymity of the internet to back you up and have somebody here tell you that it does not take work. That it was ok to just "get yours" and dump him and leave him clueless.I don't see anything in your posts as to what YOU are willing to do to give your man the befit of the doubt here. Simply put, you have obviously kept this from your man instead of being honest with him. YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY SAT THERE AND KEPT THIS TO YOURSELF RATHER THAN ACTUALLY BROACH THE SUBJECT WITH YOUR MAN...and you know what? That's totally YOUR FAULT. What it boils down to is that you want a green light to up and leave him without explaining to him that you stewed about it for months without ever letting him know this was a problem. BEING SCARED TO TALK TO HIM IS A REAL SELFISH EXCUSE! I don't have to make you out to look like a selfish cold-hearted bitch, look at your post and your response and how you have not been honest with your man...you are doing a great job of it yourself...GROW UP!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help.
Softtouchmale2003: I don't know what it is that I see in other men, they just seem to make my stomach flip. He is quite shy and sometimes I feel like I almost mother him a bit as he is not v confident but I don't think I do it on purpose, it feels more like he looks to me for answers, what do I want to do, he never says what he wants to do and we've had arguments about this in the past because I don't want to be a dictator. I don't want to be like that. I think I want someone strong and confident but that's a horrible reason for thinking about breaking up with someone. But I can't help how I feel. Maybe I'm looking for someone who doesn't have what I see in myself as a flaw?
But the main thing is I'm not sure if we had any chemistry when we first met, I'm not sure what it would be that I'd be trying to get back.
grimmreality: Thanks but you have made me sound like a cold hearted selfish b*tch. I have been feeling guilty about this for months. And I don't really understand what your getting at with some of your comments. Please expand?
Boo22: You have read my mind and I don't know if this means it's the end of the road and despite all the good things the relationship is destined to fail long term?
Illithid: I'm scared to talk to him. I wouldn't have a clue what to say and I don't want to say something that ruins everything. "There's no spark" would pretty much finish it really! What would you suggest?
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (10 October 2009):
 Talk to him. I cannot stress this enough. Talk to him.
You sound EXACTLY like my ex-fiancee that dumped me just six weeks ago after more than three years together. We were in love, highly communicative, shared great deals of time together, shared interests, humor, and friends. But she was never as attracted to me sexually as I was to her. Everything seemed basically perfect except for a distance that was growing between us as she got a bit bored over the last six months, then she left me and never talked about, never explained herself, never gave me any reason.
If you have to leave him, if you simply cannot see this working, at least talk to him. The sooner the better. If you start discussing this, you may be able to save the relationship before resentment takes over and becomes bitterness and a feeling of being trapped and kills what feelings you have left for him.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (10 October 2009):
 you dont say if you were really into him sexually in the beginning. I think not. One thing i know for sure is, if you don't have that sexual chemistry, then you're just good friends. Which is great, but not what will give you a happy mariage. Sex is a big part of a relationship, so you'd better make sure you fancy him or your life will be miserable if you stay together long term. good luck
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (10 October 2009):
Young lady,
relationships take Work. And I may suggest a relationship counselor at this point. Jesus, not every day is a harlequin romance!
Give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Do you realize that all the time you spent writing this "poor me" story is time that could have been better spent rediscovering why you fell in love with this guy in the first place?
You haven't mentioned what you are willing to do to try to save the relationship...think about that and get back to me. Because you are stuck on "these feelings", and if you arent willing to be honest with your man and look in the mirror while you are at it, you dont have a shot in hell.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 October 2009):
 This is a very hard question to answer because from reading what you've said, you're emotionally attached to him, but you don't feel the sexual chemistry there.
Now this could be the result of a lot of things. And so it may take a little exploration on your part as well as his.
What is it exactly that you feel, sexually, when you see other men that you don't see in him? And is it because he's not willing to be like that, or is it because you've never communicated this to him properly?
Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are both linked together. And sometimes you have a great deal of emotional intimacy, but because of a lack of open communications, in other words openness, he's never known what it is you, deep down, expect from him.
So one of the things you might want to examine is what it is about him that turns you off, and what could he do to turn you on?
It seems that's what's bothering you. Maybe a lack of experimentation perhaps? Have the two of you ever tried writing down your own fantasies, honestly, and trading them? Could this be it?
Or is there some other behavior you're looking for in him that you see in other men?
It seems when your running back and forth on a subject like this, and, you're uncertain, its best to resolve all doubts. But the kindest thing you can do is try and communicate with him and find out what those doubts are.
Maybe that's all that there is.
I can't imagine a worse horror story than you break up, go off and after running through different men, realize you let something good go because you didn't give your boyfriend a chance to work with you on the issue.
Its all a matter of choice. Of course, I can see where you don't want to be in a sexually boring relationship either. So if that's the hangup and its wrecking your sex life more than anything else, its possible to try and work it out first.
Its worth the try anyway.
On the other hand, if it doesn't work out you don't want to be unhappy either. Because then he'll be frustrated not knowing what he can do to help you find happiness.
Like I said, it takes two to try and work it out. That might be one solution.
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