A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I always feel lonely perhaps it's because I've never had a boyfriend or even a date. I am too embarrassed to divulge this information to my friends but since we all met in college and are very close they've definitely noticed I've never been on one date nor had any significant others. I've had my share of meaningless hook-ups in college but none of the guys were ever interested in dating me and I ended up always pining over these guys and always getting my feelings hurt because I always wanted a relationship and they didn't. I feel as if my friends are beginning to feel sorry for me. Mostly, I think they feel guilty about not hanging out with me on a Friday or Saturday or breaking plans sometimes because they have dates with their boyfriends. I don't want my friends to feel sorry for me, but obviously getting a boyfriend is hard for me. What am I doing wrong I've talked to various people trying to get feedback, but they give me the same traditional answers like "you have to work on you first before you can be open to a relationship" or it will happen when you least expect it (which if that 's true I guess this is why I've never had a boyfriend because I'm always looking) I just don't know anymore I feel empty and hollow because I feel as if I'm missing out on something I've never heard anyone other than my dad tell me he loved me and although I firmly believe he does I would just like to hear it from someone who's not obligated to tell me. I'm tired of being by myself all the time and not being able to depend on anyone or not having someone to confide in, and being terrified at night because I'm alone in my apartment, and most of all I'm tired of my friends feeling pity for me. Any encouraging suggestions would make me feel like I'm not the unwanted. Thanks:)
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female
reader, Susan Walsh +, writes (23 November 2009):
I write a blog about relationships in the hookup culture, and I want you to know that many, many young women feel this way and are in the same boat. It's hard to say what you might be doing wrong, but frankly, totally meaningless hookups are: 1) unlikely to become a relationship and 2) emotionally difficult for many women afterwards. I would recommend focusing on making friends with guys first. Just let the whole BF idea go. Friendship is a great foundation for something more. I think you've worked yourself into such a state at this point, that you are bound to telegraph your anxiety about it around guys.
A
female
reader, Jezebel  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Have you tried internet dating? Perhaps by meeting people online you can establish a friendship first before you meet them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Hey girl dont give up! :)
I understand how you feel. For a good while I was feeling very lonely myself. It's not easy. I can not believe how blessed with love I have been in the last years. It makes me believe that there are many men and women out there in the world, looking for the same as you! Someone to love who loves them back, and I believer there is a lot of love in the world, enough for everyone. Yes, cheesy and hippy-talk, but my honest opinion none the less.
I know other people who are in your situation too. I am not sure if I have anything to offer that you haven't heard before, but a little guide that can help you to look in the right places might do the trick?
Flirting! Being social and enjoying who you are and where you are! I know not all is brilliant and great when you feel this deep loneliness, but there are many great things in your life too! You have friends! You have an apartment to come home to! If you are scared at night, do something about it! Like getting a dog. Or other pets to keep you company. Living alone can be, yes, very lonely. I always keep pets around for that reason, even if it's just a little hamster running in it's cage at night, you know you have someone else there.
But back to the flirting, don't give up on it. Be open to new meetings and people. Yes it is true that love will come when you least expect it, but it can also come while you are looking, hehe. What you need to do however is this: get yourself a mental list of what you want in a partner. Then you wont end up falling for the same men who dont want relationships. Let a man you are dating know what you are in it for, so if he doesnt want the same you can get him out of the picture before your feelings start to develop.
Also, take a look around you. I know many men who feel lonely and don't get a girlfriend or the one they love, they say that the girl doesn't realize that he's a good guy. Many young men struggle with being "just friends" and they see that women just want the hunks or bad boys, and fail to see what is right underneath their noses. So don't be afraid to look at the ones closest to you! And remember that love doesnt just "poof" down on you, it is a feeling that needs time to develop.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): I have to say I don't understand you. After reading first couple of sentences of your question I thought you were in the exact same situation as me. I am in the same age group and I've never had a boyfriend or even a date. I am also afraid my friends are feeling sorry for me. Now here is the part I don't understand : you say you had your share of meaningless hook-ups. So you obviously don't have the same problem I have, which is being too shy. I wouldn't be too worried if I were you because you can communicate with guys easily. I firmly believe that finding a partner is not something you do, but something that happens to you. So looking for somebody can only result in finding guys that are not right for you. The right guy will appear in your life when the time is right. Until then enjoy your life!
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Boys are very put off by a girl who is "out to find a boy friend" because it raises the stakes too high too soon. Not many men want to hurt a girls feelings and so the moment that they sense that what might be a casual date for them has greater significance for you and that you might feel wounded if there is no second date, they will start to back off.
You don't tell us anything about what you look like. Obviously, the bette you look the more options you are going to have. The good news is that almost any girl can get to be at least a 7 (/10) by nothing more than getting your weight right, exercising a little, hair and clothes.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 November 2009):
 Eh... you are afraid alone at night? Just how old are you anyway?
A bf is NOT there to check there aren't any monsters under the bed.
You had your share of meaningless hookups but no dates? How does that work? What is a hookup in your eyes?
I think you might be coming on far to strong and that is scary as hell to guys. Lets face it, most guys your age are barely able to handle their own lives, let alone that of a girl who is going to completely depend on them.
I would almost suggest you get a dog or cat. Somebody to spend time with, you can talk to, who loves you, and who can sleep on the bed.
But really, your friends are right, you need to work on yourself first. If you don't love yourself then how can anyone else? And if you continue to look for a guy you can lean on completely then you risk ending up with the type of guy who exploits such dependence.
As you said, you already hooked-up with guys who weren't interested in a date and you end up the one with the broken heart.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 November 2009):
You say you are always looking and sweetie, that's just not attractive to men.
If you meet a guy and your first thought is "Will you LOVE MEEEEEEE!???!!!" then he is going to be able to see it on your face. Guys don't want a girlfriend who's single goal in life is to have a boyfriend. They want a girl who has her own life and just so happens to want them in it.
I know what it's like to be lonely, but your best bet is just to accept that whatever you WANT right now, the fact is that you are single so you may as well enjoy it. Meet guys and just chat to them or not. Be yourself. Relax and stop hoping that every one you meet could be THE ONE.
You will get a boyfriend. You are doing everything right in having friends and going out having fun and meeting new people. You just need to chill out about it.
Try and expand your circle of friends so you have more single girls to hang out with on weekends. Join some new clubs and have fun!
Good Luck!! xx
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