A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a Long distance relationship. I met someone back in 2007 he was here on contract from the states and we worked in the same department for a yr, anyways cut short we started dating and he went back and i promised him i would come to the states in summer 2008 and i did. We email each other everyday and he calls me often.we send each other birthday gifts and i love buying him things and he cares about me and asks me what i want. Anywayas since 2008 and now we havent seen each other. I lost my job last year and asked him to come visit me for a few days even, he said he has commitments and can't afford it, he has his family to support - helping his siblings financially with wedding expenditure so needs to save up etc i said your brother works so double income should make things easy, he refused and said you won't know. I haven't seen him since 2008 i feel like i am his least desired in his list of priorities, i want to see him and want to take this to marriage - he does want marriage but at this rate i feel like he is just making excuses. He keeps making plans and they excite me knowing i'll be his wife, he tells me how I should compromise to make his family happy in the future i work hard at it too so that i can live up to his expectations. Few weeks ago i got angry we're nearly over for 2011 i said to him we're a couple we love each other and you havent come to see me since 2008 i said other guys have shown interest in me but i neglected them because of you, he replied "I did not ask you to wait for me all those years and i didn't make any promises"! i was shocked and hurt and i feel horrible what was all this then?. I feel if you really love someone you 'can' and 'will' do anything to buy a plane ticket, maybe i am wrong and sensitive about this? maybe i should comrpomise with him? i don;t know but i havent seen him for 3 years and im fed up i don;t know what the truth is and what isn't. I can't afford USA i work part time and he works full time, I mean is it really difficult for Americans to visit the UK? i am so confused with so many questions. =(
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his ex, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I'm not surprised the date wasn't a romantic success, you're just figuring out how to navigate a world without the "relationship" you'd tended over the past few years. You've invested a lot of energy, wishful thinking and built hopes on a flimsy foundation--I think that you're missing your old "normal."
This is what happens when you break up, it will get better if you look forward to possibilities, rather than back on improbabilities. That means don't stalk the ex. Easier said than done, I know, I'd probably keep an eye on that page too. Maybe set yourself a daily limit and don't exceed it.
You're not going to be swept off your feet just yet, as you are literally in mourning. Give yourself some time, be patient and have compassion for yourself and any dates.
Hang in there!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, I thought i'd update you with my current self. Everyday I think about him and drop a tear here and there.. So to move on i've managed to go on a date last week but unfortuntaely i just didn't feel comfortable, i wasn't excited we spent around 3 hours talking to each other i felt awkward and not into it, I couldn't look at him eye to eye i just kept staring down at my plate or the decorations around me, and continuously stirring my coffee like an idiot, sometimes wandering off to the toilet just to waste time :(. This new guy makes the first move with calls and texts i do reply back but i'm just not bothered, he texts me alot as well but i just don't feel right, :( i secerectly stalk my previous so called internet love on facebook just to check if he delisted me or not. I feel so hurt inside I am trying my best to get over it but my heart isn't accepting it. Grr.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 October 2011):
 It happens to the best of us. I wasted 4 years of my life with a controlling psycho, until I woke up and smelled the coffee..Now, I looked back on it and learned a very valuable lesson.
Chalk this up as a learning experience, stay away from ILDRs, and know you're free to move on. Also to be happy and find your future husband. No sense is wasting any more time on a man who is not in your future.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 October 2011):
 Hugs to you... this too shall pass. And there is NO CRIME in having hope and faith... and using this as a lesson...
feel free to contact me in private if you want to vent about it. BTDT....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been living in a world full of illusions. I am moving on now though he emails me and says he wants me to speak to him, i don't even want to explain myself. He says im the culprit in this and i will never understand, maybe i dont understand but i have understood that it's taken 3 years of my life with someone who is useless. I couldve been with someone else, I could've been happy. It is a very difficult time i can't sleep not because he isn't in my life but because I have been betrayed and played upon, time is precious to me and he wasted it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 September 2011):
While LDRs can work... there are some key issues to them working
1. both parties have to be on the same page and want the same thing
2. there has to be honesty and communication
3. there have to be regular visits. ONE visit in 2008 does not an LDR make.
4. there have to be PLANS to close the distance gap...
Basically, he is not as committed to this as you are and that hurts and sucks and you feel confused and used and lied to and cheated. All NORMAL.
You are 100% correct that a man in love will MOVE MOUNTAINS to get to the woman he loves.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2011):
I think you wanting it to work out is perfectly natural and normal--it's wonderful to find a guy you click with and want to be with. I think that this kind of thing can creep up on us, I mean, you didn't go into this thinking that you wouldn't see him for 3 years! You assumed he was mobile and affluent enough to be able to come visit and keep things going. No shame in that at all.
What's silly would be to invest more time and energy on a relationship that is going nowhere, when you have potential suitors right there, able and willing to take you out and build a real future together.
I know a lot of stuff happens on line, people keep friendships going, make new friends, it makes the world feel very interconnected. I think it also puts people into little rooms staring at little screens, disconnected from real life and real people who can share the room and actually breathe the same air. You can touch them, hold them, be WITH them in a way that an exclusively electronic relationship cannot ever compete with. With those types of relationships, I think the talk is probably mostly future oriented, lots of dreams and goals, but not really a day-to-day practical partnership of two people pulling for the same goal. "Did you mow the grass today hon?" has loads of history behind it. You planted the lawn together, you watered it, it's a part of the home you have built together. "Someday, I'd love to have a little garden with a white picket fence with you, wouldn't that be lovely?"
The dreaming and imagining is nice but keeping that sort of thing going with a man who never intends to even visit means you will never have a lovely little garden with a picket fence. You live your life in limbo. If that's all you can manage, fine, but don't you think there's so much more to life than that?
I think you are doing the right thing and once you get past the hurting part, you'll wind up better off in the long run.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I guess I am silly, I have started ignoring him the past week I don't respond to his emails neither do I call him. I am sad that it will take a while before I can take him out of my system and I feel so stupid to even believe that an LDR could have worked.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2011):
I mean is it really difficult for Americans to visit the UK?
It's expensive but....
"I did not ask you to wait for me all those years and i didn't make any promises"! i was shocked and hurt and i feel horrible what was all this then?. I feel if you really love someone you 'can' and 'will' do anything to buy a plane ticket, maybe i am wrong and sensitive about this? maybe i should comrpomise with him?
I think you haven't faced the reality that you think you are in an LDR and he thinks he has a friend in the UK. You aren't a couple, he's not going to propose, there's nothing to compromise.
I'm very sorry but your vision of your future should no longer include him. It's time to move on and start dating those guys who showed interest in you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (26 September 2011):
I can see what you're saying.. you came to visit him in 2008, so it's his turn to visit you in the UK.
It's not difficult for Americans to visit the UK, but it is pricey..airline tickets start at about $2,000. The American economy is still rough right now and having to support his family, he wouldn't be able to drop $2,000+ to come visit. 2008 is when our economy hit rock bottom. Although it has gotten a little better, it's still no where near what it was. So I believe there is truth to the fact he can't afford it right now. With that being said, I also think if he wants to come visit he'll start pinching back a little money each paycheck to see you eventually.
The next issue is that he flat out stated he didn't tell you to wait for him and make you any promises. Promises meaning marriage??? That tells me this isn't a serious LDR.
LDRs are hard enough, international ones are even more difficult. But what they both have in common is that there has to be a high level of commitment there. In other words, the distance has to end eventually. This case it would be with marriage. But he has not made that commitment to you.
Sorry to say but this ILDR is not worth being in anymore. There's zero commitment. It's best to break up with him and seek a potential suitor in the UK.
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