A
male
age
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*obb
writes:36 years ago I noticed a guy's name on my gf's calender. As I had just a few days prior got back from the military I asked about it and she said he was just a person who came over to the apartment house where she lived to play cards. She lived with 4 other girls. 33 years go by and I injured myself, set around for 3 months and all I did was think. I brought the subject up and my wife said that she had gone to a party with the girls and he and her were talking and that it was a very loud party and they when upstairs to a hallway and set and talked on a couch. After grilling her on and off for about 2 years she told me that they had kissed, he touched her bare breasts, and when he tried to put his hand in her pants she stopped him. He said, "why are you a virgin"? and she said "no, I've been with my bf." Then they went downstairs and that was the end. This is really killing me because we've had a good marriage. I have doubts that she stopped him because she never told me about it and her original answers were such as: he kissed me then we went downstairs, very vague, etc. It has taken so long to even get this far with her answers. I love her, but I really want to know the sexual truth about this. Any ideas? Thankyou for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): I was where you are at about 2 years ago. After being together for 28 years and married for over 21 of them, all of a sudden my wife's promiscuous past started to bother me.
She was the one to tell me about her past very early in our relationship years ago. She started to tell me about the things that she was guilty or remorseful about on our third date. She never had any desire to tell any other guy before me. She never really lied to me, but she never told me the entire truth either.
After she told me, she refused to talk about it at all. It took me about 2 years to put it mostly out of my mind and there it stayed for the next 26 years. All of a sudden, 2 years ago, it started to bother me again. She was now willing to talk about it. The reason that she would not talk about it 28 years ago was because she was ashamed of her past and knew that I was more conservative in my sexual views. (She picked up guys at bars, I never picked up women at bars. She had sex on the first date, I never tried unless the women made some move, etc.)
We discussed it a lot over the next few months and she was willing to talk as much as necessary. As someone already said, a person will forget a lot of details after that long. If you are like me, that might be hard to understand, as I remember details. I am detail oriented, both in life and in my profession. My wife is not like that. Perhaps it is a guy thing.
You and I are also alike in another way. The truth is very important to me. I would also rather hear the truth and deal with the facts than be lied to. I will never know if my wife has finally told me the truth, but I believe she has. At some point, we have to trust those close to us, unless we have solid evidence that they are lying.
Here is the question that I asked when I came on to DC 2 years ago.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-change-my-resurfaced-feelings-about.html
Take a look at it and also the links that Tisha posted in her one answer to you.
My wife and I struggled through this for months, not understanding why it all of a sudden started to bother me. I was retired, but had been for 2 years, so it wasn't all of a sudden time to think. I had several things happening about the time that this started to bother me. I was getting depressed, sometimes very. I was having some ED and loss of libido and loss of strength. For me, all this was symptoms of low testosterone. It took about 4 or 5 months before I researched the symptoms and discovered the link. I then discussed it with my doctor and he agreed and tested me, found my testosterone low and started replacement therapy. It took a few months to get it right and that was about the time her past started to not bother me again.
I'm not suggesting that you have the same problem with hormones, but I'm wondering if your injury is causing depression in general or has even possibly messed up your hormones. For instance, if it was a head injury or a severe concussion, than can damage the pituitary gland in the brain. That is the gland that controls hormone production in both men and women and can cause hormone problems. Even if not hormone related, depression could trigger all these bad thoughts that you are having. I knew a woman who was bothered by a failed relationship for months. She told me about her depression. She started on anti-depressants and it seems like she was over her bother about that time. I don't know if that was the reason or the fact that she brought it out in the open, but it is interesting that they seemed to correspond. Depression can cause all kinds of minor things to become major in your mind.
A
male
reader, bobb +, writes (5 November 2009):
bobb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for getting me to take a look at myself. Tisha I went to the links and they opened my eyes. I really do believe I was worrying about something that never happened. My wife said one time that I should focus on the things she didn't do,(didn't do him) rather on the things (Making out with guy) that she did. Deep down I believe her but I just got caught up in assumming the worse. Thankyou everyone. I'll put this out of my thoughts. Bobb
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Hail, Hail Tisha!
I was looking for that word....RETROACTIVE...but all that popped to mind was RETROGRADE. YOU know what? Those two words not only sound the same, they are complementary in this case. That means that if you go continue this your whole marriage will move backwards. The progress, the kids, the time, the companionship, the warmth ALL UNDONE. -
"I am my beloved, and my beloved is me."
--Song of Solomon
You have become one now...don't rip yourselves apart over ghosts of the past, Bobb
Love,
GG
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
 I have an idea. Let's try a little role-reversal. Let's see how well you can convey your wife's position here. Write what you think might be going through her head as you are quizzing her on this.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Right, you're starting to sound like one of those interrogators or inquisitors (remember the Spanish Inquisition?) where they would continue to torture their prisoners until they confessed to what the questioner wanted to hear.
You have to make a choice soon. You obviously think that "the worst" happened and that she's hiding it. At the rate you are going, she has no chance. You cannot believe her, no matter what she says now. She is in an impossible position now. No matter if she is telling the truth and has been for the last few years, you do not believe her. That's the bottom line.
You're going to have to decide when to call it a day. Did you read those links I gave you?
And please, PM those aunts I mentioned. Both of them are very helpful and supportive to men in your situation. I think they both work very hard to save the relationship and to get the man's train of thought back onto a more rational path.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Its good that you had 33 years of marriage with nothing to worry about and have to go back to 36 years ago to find anything suspicious about her behaviour. Personally I think thats an amazing feat and not one i could idenify with by a long way.With a dash of cynicism it would be easy for me to say she probably had sex with him because in my experience thats what people do. But it might be right what she says. Why do you think you started thinking about this after so long. What was the trigger that when you were injured you reached back to this event? Have you done anything your wife should be suspicious about? I have to agree with most of the other posters, what will you do if she says .. 'ok i did have sex with him but it was a one off etc etc'. Will you leave or will you be asking what position they did it in, did she have an orgasm, did they have oral sex, was he bigger, wider, better, more skillful than you... You will end up turning yourself inside out about it and what will suffer most will be the good relationship you have and if she says she did have sex how many other non susicious incidents will you start to think about?If you leave her for an infidelity 36 years ago well good luck to you. You need to work this out for yourself, it is your problem. Let her be on the subject and enjoy your marriage. You seem to be lucky with it.
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reader, bobb +, writes (5 November 2009):
bobb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTruly I value your opinions about love. I know that I'm old school on this, but she and I had were to wait for each other!! The thought that another guy might have had my girlfriend only a few days before I came home is tuff to take. Even though she is very receptive to talk to me about it, I can't help but think there is more to the story. I simply can't believe the guy just quit trying when she said no. Believe me I really don't want to hear bad info, but I just want the truth!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-insecure-about-my-girlfriends-past.html
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
I think this is called retroactive jealousy and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to have this feeling for his wife. I would suggest that you contact via PM two uncles here: one is "Yos", the other is "Troubledtoomuch". They often write on this topic and have some good advice for men suffering through this experience.
I think I remember some of what they say. Yos always points out that you have to recognize that the problem lies within you, not with her. You then have to determine if you are willing to work on the problem or not. If not, you have to walk away and leave her be. If you do want to work on it, then you have some things you need to sort through and start to change within yourself.
Let me see if I can find the links to their discussions. They are very good.
I think I can safely say that grilling her right now is completely counterproductive and will not help you in the slightest. At this time, you are not coping with this rationally, though you think you are, so you need to stop pushing on her, okay? I'll be back with the links when I find them.
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reader, Lola1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 To help you to drop it, ask yourself what you would do if you found out that she had slept with the man? After 33 years of marital bliss, are you really going to divorce her over this NOW? Probably not.
You got suspicious enough to remember some guy's name on your then-girlfriend's calendar over 30 years ago. Most people would have forgotten about that name EONS ago – the longest it would have taken would be for them to go back to the military.
In all of that time, she has done nothing else to make you suspicious (and frankly, that must mean she’s an absolute SAINT! A name on a calendar is such a small thing to have remembered for so long. You didn't feel it warranted bringing up then, remember?).
You hadn’t thought about the name on a calendar until you were injured and had too much time on your hands. My friend, you owe your wife an apology. After whatever happened with Joe-Blow, she chose you. She married you (you weren’t married when you saw the name on the calendar). Be happy and celebrate what you have… and apologize for grilling her for TWO LONG YEARS!!! Tell her it doesn’t matter and you love her.
The End. ;-)
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reader, bobb +, writes (5 November 2009):
bobb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your insight to my problem . Truth is everything to me. I would rather know a bad thing rather than a lie. What gets me however, is that she did not tell me the truth then, and I really don't think I have it all yet. I wondered then, but I was so loney after being gone for 8 months. Time goes by fast, young kids are teenagers over night. when I injured myself I thought about everything including this. Is there anything I could ask her to bring closure to this? This is like yesterday to me. I know it seems funny after all this time, but I need to know.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2009):
 No rational person would risk jeopardising a happy 33 year old marriage over something that happened long before the vows were made.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Maybe he wants to "open this can of worms" for the same reason any other rational person would.
Crimes against the relationship are crimes against the relationship. There is no statute of limitations.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2009):
Here's my idea, drop this like a hot potato Bob me boy. It's over 30 years and a very happy marriage later and you did up this old chestnut?! You've had a fuller love life than many folks so quit beating a dead horse. Appreciate what you have and have had, and get a hobby.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2009):
 It happened 33 years ago. You need to let it go. She obviously isn't going to tell you the whole story or the story you expect/want her to tell. Maybe she doesn't even remember.
I know that might sound a little wrong and if this was "new" stuff I would not suggest that you "let it go" but after 33 years?
If she tells you, ok I screwed the guy what are you going to do about it? Will it heal the hurt/doubt/mistrust? Even if she didn't sleep with him you will not accept that.
You also need to ask yourself WHY you can not let this go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Oh I sorry I submitted my previous answer without saying:
Things that were buried in the past should stay in the past. When you bring them back they are just zombies...a walking nightmare that you can't put to sleep anymore. Still time doesn't add up though, sorry...why wait this long to go to the bottom of this. -GG
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): 36 years ago?
I think it's time to let it go.
If I were you I would just assume the worst, but does it really matter after 36 years? Are you going to divorce her if she slept with him? If you were in the military she was probably feeling lonely and vulnerable, in need of some companionship. Give the woman a break, everyone makes mistakes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Why do you want to open a can of worms that was buried 36 years ago and begin a downward spiral that could end your marriage? Is such knowledge worth all the effort and time you have put into this. Be careful what you wish for my friendNo offense, but if you dropped this issue 33 years ago, why do you suddenly want to raise it from the grave now? It just doesn't add up. It is almost as if you are looking for a way out and are raking through the past to find all the reasons to make it easier for you...The time windows here have closed so long ago...
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