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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have been catfishing my ex for the last 8 months. I originally did it for information because after he moved away, I discovered i was pregnant. I couldn't reach him for 2 years and when I came across him I was scared so I made up a Facebook profile to get a sense of who he is now and try to figure out how best to tell him he is a father. I got attached to him again and he is really attached to "Isabella" which is so unhealthy for us both but I can't seem to end it. I don't want to hurt him. Please advise.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2016):
 I simply cannot agree to what you have done. You are playing with his emotions by making a person up, that really is such a horrible thing to do to someone, and I urge you now to stop, get rid of Isabella as this is so cruel to him.
The moment you discovered you where pregnant you should have contacted him, he has the right to know he was going to be a dad. Now you need to make up for lost time and tell him about your child. He has a right to know, and so does your child. If he is a terrible dad at least you can always say you gave him a shot, but for all you know he could be a great dad. Please do the right thing and tell him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): Trying to get a sense of who he is now? In what way? Whether he has a good job or not and can pay the bills? Whether he has a girlfriend? The minute you could 'reach' him you should have been ready to tell him. This man has already missed out on so much emotionally. You seem very controlling about it all - you're deciding what happens when and toying with him in the process. Of course a man can't do this because they are not the one who gave birth. You are abusing your power over him. I would also be careful because you might appear unstable and dishonest and these are not qualities you want the father of your child to be thinking about you from the start - or anyone else. Its time to clean up your act and face the fact. You can't control how he will react or what his plans will be for the future. You can control the standard of your own behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016): I feel sorry for this guy. Stop treating the father of your child so disrespectfully. Tell him what he has a right to know before someone else does.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Being dishonest about paternity is not acceptable. The time to evaluate someone's father potential is before bearing their child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2016): Any good relationship is built on honesty and trust. A relationship is healthy when it is the union of two healthy people who care for each other. Not one deceiving the other. If a child is brought into the picture, nothing but the truth should prevail in the child's best interest.
What's there to be scared of? Him finding out about the phony profile, or the child? All you have to do is delete the profile, but come clean about the child. After all, it's all about the child, not you anymore.
I don't believe the catfishing was for any other reason but to decide if you wanted to tell him about the child; depending on if he was with some other woman or still single.
He has the right to know, and the child has a right to know who her biological father is. If he can be a good father, neither he nor the child should be denied that opportunity. It's not fair to withhold such information for selfish or vindictive reasons.
Put your child first, and can it with the fake profile. Don't make him have to question your credibility and mental stability. Too many children grow-up with missing fathers and unnecessarily struggling single-mothers. Even if he doesn't turn out to be a good father, he owes the child financial-support. The child is innocent of all this, and should not be deprived of two parents, financial-security, and knowing her full heritage.
It just isn't right that children suffer for the misgivings of the parents. Left wondering where they came from and why one parent abandoned them. Usually a lie is told to comfort or deceive the child. When the truth is finally discovered, how should your feel toward you for hiding the truth? Some become very angry and resentful.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 September 2016):
 Catfishing is a cowardly way of approaching this problem.
Lying to him by omission, that is, not telling him that he’s a father is unfair to him, AND to the child.
You now know how to reach him. End the charade, shut down the fake profile and deliver the news you’ve been withholding for so long.
If you fear repercussions or want help, contact a social worker or legal aid.
Playing games with people’s lives is not a healthy or sustainable way to deal with problems.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2016):
 Be honest with him. IF he still wants contact, go for it. If he doesn't.. accept it.
Catfishing is NEVER Ok. Sorry, but no excuse justify playing with someone's emotions or spy on them.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (25 September 2016):
 I think the best thing you can do in this situation would be to come clean with him at your earliest opportunity to do so. He has no future with "Isabella" because she doesn't exist and you have no future with a man who is hung up on (imaginary) someone else. More importantly, I think he has the right to know that he has a child. Right now you are choosing FOR him that he is a deadbeat dad. Maybe he'll still be one when he finds out, but maybe he'll want to be part of his child's life, and you will never know until you give him the truth.
Being honest with him addresses all of this and while he may be angry, upset, shocked, in denial or all of the above, you won't have left him pining over being ghosted by a girl who never actually existed. And you will have given him the chance to know that he has helped create a life, and to be a part of your child's life in some way if he wants it and you allow it. This way he gets some kind of closure over "Isabella," you get a chance to put the truth out there, and your child gets a chance at maybe knowing or even building a bond with his or her biological father someday. Send a photo of your son/daughter with the message.
Tell him right away. Waiting will only hurt both of you more as you continue to invest time and emotion into something that isn't real.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 September 2016):
 It's ironic that you're catfishing him to find out what type of parent he'd be, but it's saying more about you.
Ditch the Isabella stuff now. Delete everything to do with her and contact him as you, explaining that he's a father. It's that simple. If he figures out you were Isabella, do *not* lie.
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