A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have this guy friend... I don't even know whether to call him a friend because we don't really interact outside when we bump into each other at a mutual friend's house or something.One random night, about 1.5-2 years ago, we talked late into the night, one thing led to another and we ended up fooling around (no sex). Ever since then, he's been in a seemingly serious relationship, as have I.There have been other occasions where he's tried to cop a feel... and I'm ashamed to say I let him sometimes. We've been at parties together where I'll admit I've acted very inappropriately- grinding on him, letting him feel me up thoroughly, even feeling his erection (he placed my hand on it and said "see what you do to me"). I'm well aware that I have been inappropriate, and possibly encouraged likewise behavior from him. However, something happened that's left me feeling terrible and very uncomfortable.Yesterday, I saw him for the first time in a long while. I needed a quick ride somewhere so I asked if he could drop me off and he obliged. While we were in the car together, he somehow got a hold of my phone and started scrolling through my pictures. I began a healthy lifestyle- eating right and working out- so I sometimes take pictures of my body to track my progress, but I always delete them immediately... or so I thought. Turns out I had missed quite a few (they were sooo far back that I had no idea of their existence). He was so determined to find something, and he did... and he tried to pass it off as no big deal, I guess because we've been in far stickier situations. When I tried to fight him for the phone, he used the opportunity to "accidentally" feel my breasts and butt, and even squeeze my vagina through my jeans.The entire thing just left me feeling very disturbed. Like I said earlier, I'm involved with someone... we're not "official" but the feelings are, and they're stronger than ever. And he has a girlfriend. When we fooled around, he had already started dating her (I did not know that at the time) and I was just meeting my guy, but they were solidly in the picture every other time. I didn't feel so guilty before, but things have changed. The last time I saw him, he didn't attempt anything, and he'd become very public with his relationship, so I had thought he had changed for the better and decided to take his relationship seriously. Apparently not.I guess what's getting to me is how he very causally disrespected both our relationships, and the assumption that I would go along with it as usual. I don't like the feeling I have in my gut, that I betrayed my lover. I don't like that he got to see my naked pictures. I don't like that he thinks he has free access to my body. I don't like that I'm enabling cheating. I hate that I don't know to say no to him, especially given our history. I worry that someday he would try to have sex with me, and assume that my nos really mean yes.How do I get out of this mess?(P.S I've carefully combed my phone through and gotten rid of all incriminating pictures)
View related questions:
breasts, erection, has a girlfriend, nude pictures, vagina Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 May 2014):
 This is bordering on rape and can rapidly escalate out of control if you don't take charge immediately.I don't care what you did to lead him on (although young lady, your behavior was WRONG and I hope you learnt your lesson), this guy needs to be put in his place.Here's what you do. First of all, cut off ALL communication with him. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, nothing. If you do bump into him and he tries to act fresh, just tell him loud and clear that you are NOT interested in talking to him. If he bothers you, (which I don't think he will because he's under the assumption that you also enjoy whatever's going on), tell him that you'll call the police. He cannot touch you or even talk to you without your consent. Dont ever take favours from him, no matter what the circumstances. No rides, nothing. You're better off being stuck somewhere alone than being with him. Call your boyfriend if you need help, hire a cab, call a friend or family...basically anyone but him.Don't be afraid to create a scene if this guy tries to get close to you. Remember, its your safety that's a priority. Keep your phone locked, although I don't understand how he could drive and yet scroll down to photos of yours that were that far down the list. Anyway, lock your phone because if you keep naked pictures and your phone gets lost and lands up in the wrong hands, you could be in a LOT of trouble.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 May 2014):
 You write: "...I hate that I don't know to say no to him,"
Well, when you want to stop hating (yourself, for your lack of self-control), then you can - and will - learn to say "no" to him.
Until then, you have to live in the stew that you've concocted for yourself....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 May 2014):
I think you should just avoid this guy 100%.
You shouldn't be surprised that he disrespected both relationships just because you think otherwise. You've done the same as him in the past and he simply thinks otherwise. He would think "well we did it before I may as well get a free feel".
Avoid any situations that would end up with the both of you alone and if he still tries something, I would recommend letting out the dirty laundry.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): This is a sad, worrying occurrence which I hope you will never, ever experience again. Some great advice so far.I have a friend who was recently robbed and beaten up walking home one night alone in a dark alley with a couple of hundred Pounds in his pocket. He was wearing an expensive watch and a new smartphone which were also taken. He should have had the right to walk where he wants, whenever he wants in total safety...but that's not the world we live in. We live in a world where far too many people want to strip us of those rights. My friend is not to blame for being robbed and beaten by any means, but he is responsible for poor judgement. In fairness I think some of what has happened has been made worse by your own poor judgement. Nobody could have for told that this horrid event would occur of course, but the signs were there that this guy was not a nice person and best avoided. You saw him as a friend, yet all he ever did was touch you up, fool around and use you behind his GFs back. How is that being a good friend? If he was willing to do that with you, then im sure he would have been doing it to other women also. Meanwhile you deceived your own BF with your own inappropriate behaviour. Getting in a car with him was a little reckless IMHO. His behaviour in the lead up to that showed he just wanted you for sex and didn't care about hurting his GF to get it. With that in mind he wouldn't give a toss about your feelings either. You are rightly worried he will force you into sex and not take no for an answer. Well no point lying there while he's inside you asking him to stop, no good pleading and asking him to leave you alone. You need to stand up for yourself and if ever a man behaves inappropriately TELL HIM TO STOP don't ASK HIM and Stay well away and ensure no contact. If he doesn't adhear to that then contact the police. Its up to you to remove this guy from your life, your responsibility to ensure you tell people in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate bad behaviour and ensure your friends are aware of this situation to avoid problems of him getting to you through them.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): YOU MUST TELL YOUR MUTAL FRIENDS! YOU DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE SUFFERIMG AT HIS HANDS!You need to stay well away from this evil, vile person. So do your friends.When we think of "rape" or "sexual assault" we often think of a man grabbing a women, overpowering her and committing such a dreadful act. Those types of assault are thankfully rare. What is very common sadly is situations where Aquaintances take advantage of women they have know. This man has violated you but I think, on reflection, you can now see how foolish it was to put yourself in a one on one situation in a car with him after his previous actions?Clearly this man cares about nobody, including you or his partner, and is happy to parade his penis, his hands and his attitude on anyone he thinks will let him. You encouraged him and he took advantage of that hold he gained over you.OP you say that "I don't like the feeling I have in my gut, that I betrayed my lover." well im afraid that's exactly what you have done. You have betrayed your BF, acted inappropriately, potentially harmed your reputation and put yourself at risk.Where us women have to be careful is that, when a woman is sexually assaulted, how we behave before the attack can have a big bearing on how other people perceive our bad experience.If a woman has a reputation for grinding, feeling, kissing and stroking men while both are in a relationship with other people, then the perception can be sadly very different. It should not be like that, but if he had raped you it becomes a lot harder for it to be taken seriously if you have spent several months acting inappropriately with him behind your BFs back.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (17 May 2014):
 There are two issues here; firstly his behaviour towards you, and secondly the actions you have taken that have allowed this man to put you in this situation.
Unfortunately you have opened yourself up to this man in a way which has turned ugly. You knew this guy was a cheat, a deceiver and a user yet continued to encourage him for far too long, you also showed him you were happy to go behind your partners back and touch him/be touched sexually. To be blunt you showed a lack of self respect, self control and morals to someone who had no respect for you, or his partner, and clearly wanted you for a feel up and probably more when it took his fancy. There is a difference between "letting" someone do something and "encouraging" that behaviour. It seems as if, in this case, it was a bit of both from your side.
"I guess what's getting to me is how he very causally disrespected both our relationships"
OP i'm sorry but you have BOTH casually disrespected your relationships. Not because of the naked pics, but because you encouraged, touched, grinded and so forth with this man. You fooled around and so did he. I appreciate that your relationship is not, or at least at the time wasn't, too serious, but you and this man allowed your "unofficial" status as a free pass for a feel up and fondle behind your partners backs. In that respect you are as guilty as each other im afraid.
"and the assumption that I would go along with it as usual"
He did not ASSUME you would go along with it, you showed him that was the cases. Your actions in the years leading up the horrible incident in the car gave him the green light in his mind, the encouragement.
"I don't like that he thinks he has free access to my body"
Op you must appreciate that you gave him that pass. Im sorry if you think im being harsh but im saying this to protect you from this situation re-occuring. Every time he has touched you, you have responded positively. Even when you were with someone else. Please ask yourself what that says about you to him, the impression you have given and equally what his actions should have told you about him from the start.
No disrespect but you don't want a reputation as someone who lets guys touch her up, grinds against men who are taken, feels men's erections behind other partners backs and cheats. Apart from the reputation not being a nice one, it allows some men to think you are available to them. If you don't respect yourself, your body or your partner, nobody will respect you. How others perceive us makes a huge difference to how others treat us, and its often up to us to ensure people perceive us in the right way.
The worry is that before he did his touchy, feely routine in public. Now he does it in private. That is worrying. Being respectful and platonic in front of others but betraying your privacy, your body and your wishes in private is a great concern.
As YouWish so eloquently stated, this guy may well be looking to take advantage of your body and your lack of willingness to take control and end this situation.
I do think, considering this guys previous actions towards you, that it was foolish and naïve to get into his car alone. You saw this man as a friend but he was no friend of yours. He was a predator who thinks he, basically, owns anyone who lets him touch them up. OP you need to learn to be more careful about who you let touch you and, although it can be flattering, recognise when someone is clearly a vile person.
While there is nothing particularly wrong with sexy stuff, grinding, etc., you need to be more self aware in future.
If he touched your vagina without consent, even through clothing, then that is sexual assault. Regardless of what you have let him do before. You must tell your friends and stay well away from him. You are not the first and wont be last woman he has hurt. Thank goodness you got away with just your phone being gone through and him touching you. It could have been a lot worse.
I know you probably read this and think im being harsh, to hard on you, blaming you in some ways or being quite blunt. BUT its important for your own safety never to let this happen again.
No should always mean No. But its always harder to say no, and get a man to accept it, after months or years of letting him do whatever he wants with you with his hands and body. Some people have warped ideas. Stroke their dick and they think that you have signed a contract enabling them to do whatever they want.
What he did is terrible and makes me so fucking angry, but you need to look back and appreciate why this has happened to YOU.
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): I think he took things for granted since your previous encounters and behaved like a pig. He basically assaulted you. It was, make no mistake, an attack. You have already expressed that you may have contributed to the scenario where he feels he can touch you when he likes, but it was an attack and the perception needs correcting. In other words, based on previous events he has taken for granted that he can grope you whenever he wants. Which is not on. I think you just need to correct his perception very firmly now. Stay away from him. If you need to tell him, tell him to F OFF or you will tell his girlfriend and your partner what he is doing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): I agree with you wish.. he is a rapist in the making. Stay away from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 May 2014):
 This guy is *not* your friend. Copping feels, invading your privacy by rifling through your phone for naked pictures, and groping you while you're trying to get your phone back is really creepy behavior, and if it's unwanted and unsolicited, it's nothing short of sexual assault. The fact that he has a girlfriend makes it worse. Seriously, most enemies treat you better than this so-called friend does. If a guy did that to me by stealing my phone (I don't keep naked pictures on it) and feeling me up while I tried to get it back, I'd break his jaw, and then my husband would break both eye sockets.
This guy is a rapist waiting to happen. I want to make one thing perfectly clear to you - just because in the past 1.5-2 years ago, you permitted him to touch you doesn't give him permission to keep doing it when he wants to. You need to become much more assertive and tell him not to. Not only that, but stay away from him altogether and never speak to him again.
This guy you're with that's "not official" but the feelings are. You need to stop being in unofficial relationships and start making them official. This whole gray friends with benefits thing isn't helping you any, and a pattern of that is indicative of low self esteem. You're better than that.
Do you know this guy's girlfriend? Lock your phone so that even if someone did grab ahold of it, they can't see anything on it. That also helps protect against theft (locking your phone protects you and your contacts from getting address information out!).
Honestly, the more I'm typing to you and thinking about it, the more I'd be inclined to call the police and report sexual assault charges against him. They may not stick, but this guy feeling your vagina under your jeans? That is not cool.
You say "I don't like", but you need to graduate from "I don't like" to "I won't tolerate". Shouting "DO NOT TOUCH ME!" loud enough to make yourself crystal clear helps, and so does locking your phone, threatening to tell his girlfriend, and cutting off all contact. You were *violated*, and that's why you feel so bad.
You say this: "I worry that someday he would try to have sex with me, and assume that my nos really mean yes."
That's a valid worry. A kick to the groin if he pushes you helps out, and so does not seeing him ever again. If you have mutual friends, tell them what he did to you. If you have friends of your own, and even this love interest of yours....if you feel comfortable, tell him you were sexually assaulted by this guy.
This is why most instances of sexual assault don't ger reported - they operate in the gray area of aquaintance assault.
Do not let him close to you ever again. No more rides. Lock your phone. SHOUT if he gets near you. Call the police and your friends and report this assault. You aren't the first person he's done this to, I guarantee it.
...............................
|
