A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:about 2 months ago , I started spending time with someone who I had known about a year, but had never properly spoke . since then we've spend about 4 times with each other and I know that isint a lot and ive become obsessed and attached to him . I had seen him out and about quite a lot before we first met to spend time with one another and I had always wanted to speak to him and was so happy when he asked if I wanted to hang out .just recently ive realised hes not really interested in speaking to me or spending time with me , he hasn't said that directly but I think he just wants to have sex with someone and im a virgin and I don't think he wants to talk to me .I felt as though he only wanted to meet as a one off and hes different to me , he seems very confident and knows what he wants in life , has lots of friends so wont give me a second thought and is 8 years older . he only asked me once about meeting up once , doesn't reply to my messages , says he wants to see me again then doesn't get back to me , cancelled on me twice ( fair enough) but then again doesn't get back to me . I often get obsessive over someone not all the time but this is the first time in ages ive become infatuated when I didn't expect , I recognise why I do and its due to being left out in friendship groups and low self esteem amongst other factors . ive left feeling confused by him and so sad , I really thought he would wanna get to know me more and now everyday since we first met I cant get him of my mind and want it to stop .how can I distact myself ? nothing seems to work . what are healthy steps to getting him off my mind and not feeling obsessed with someone again ? I really enjoyed his company but feel he as messed with my head a little . I think people think obsession is wrong and sinister but in my case it just when I really like someone and think off them. I think everyone can become obsessive with someone or something but its just how you go about it , in the past I have harassed someone who I used to like and did not mean to now I recognise that I want to message a lot but I have refrained myself from doing so , so I do feel I have got better with controlling it . I don't think he will contact me again , how can I try not to feel so sad , any ideas ? thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2020): You are a grown-woman. Practicing self-control and impulse-control will keep you out of a lot of trouble. Guard your heart, sweetheart! If you're not seeing anyone, and you're lonely; it's easy to fixate on the first guy who comes along and gives you attention.
Here's a little secret about how and why players have an effective-game. First they'll single you out; paying close-attention to your body-language, facial-expressions, timing even the length of the gaze in your eyes; and the way you behave in his presence. It's predator and prey! Being giddy and too impressed is a giveaway. Players are experts at seduction and figuring-out when you're lonely and/or vulnerable. They study females for clues. They pretend to be interested in what you have to say. Plotting schemes while looking you straight in your eyes!
Once he has you on the hook, he'll lavish you with attention.
You'll be intoxicated by his gazes, praises, he'll charm you to the bone; and he'll make sure to touch you, to give you a chill and a vibe. Then, here comes what you didn't realize. He knows you are crushing on him; and he has a lot of experience with females. He knows the smart-ladies from the needy-ones!
He then starts to slowly pull-away. That's to make you feel a little anxious or uneasy. If you're the type of lady who feeds on male-validation and approval; you'll feel worried, and somewhat dissed. You take a subtle-offense that he lead you on; but your pride makes you want to regain his attention and approval. Then your self-esteem feels a little bothered, because you'll wonder what made him lose interest all of a sudden?
He wants you to send him messages, so he won't answer. He wants you to sit and stew in your juices and confusion. He'll throw you a bone, call out of the blue. Just to see if you're quick to be forgiving; then he'll start the game again. Reeling you in with praises, sappy compliments, making you giddy. Showering you with attention. You're now under his seduction.
Now you know his game. Relax and take a chill pill. Just play-it cool. All he wants is to hit-it and run. He'll take the cherry, and leave you in a lurch. You'll feel used and played; and the narcissism in him will make him feel totally-satisfied that he got what he wanted, and got-away scot-free. He'll relish the fact you're a virgin, his game was straight-on, and he left you feeling damaged. Players like women, but they get pleasure knowing they were cunning enough to get what they wanted; and she didn't see it coming. He will play several females at once, they like keeping a harem. They have big egos, and tiny wieners. If he has a big wiener, he has a tiny brain. He'll let you stew waiting for him to contact you; then out of the blue, he'll comeback with apologies, excuses, and sweet-talk. A dummy will fall for it. He knows it, and you'll earn your place on his list of booty-calls. Ha-ha, a lot of ladies reading this know what I'm talking about! You feel me ladies?
You want to be taken seriously, control yourself. You're not a child; nor a fool. Men respect smarter-women, and use the dummies. There, this is what daddy should have told you! If he has, you should listen to him! Give your virginity to someone who'll be good to you. Don't cast your peals before swine; they'll trample all over them.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 August 2020):
 The good thing about obsessions, and infatuations, is impermanence, nothing last's forever.
Although it does not feel like it now the emotions that you are currently feeling will lessen and die down naturally of their own accord.
In this scenario, maybe look at what he did to you. He messed with your head, was unreliable, let you down constantly. Keep running over these points in your head and telling yourself that he is no good, and not the kind of person you ever want in your life.
Maybe delete his contact details, or his social media so should you feel impelled to establish contact you won't be able to.
Do things to take your mind off of it, some exercise, a walk in nature, start up a class.
Sooner or later you will meet someone who is right for you, and he will be a distant memory.
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