A
female
age
26-29,
*olitePanda
writes:Okay, so I've been horny lately and I ended up asking my ex if he was interested in hooking up and he said yes. But we never did it. I asked him 3 times, each time after I waited 2 weeks. The last time I asked was 4 weeks ago, and he said he was super busy training at his new job but that he'd hit me up when he's in my area.Now, I don't drive and he lives 50 miles away. I can't go to his place because he lives with his grandma and I live with my mom, so we were going to split a room.Would it be desperate if I asked one more time? I have the place to myself for a few days. I'm 20 and he's 22.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 Your disappointment is understandable, but in future, try to remember that in practice, " casual " anything, and particularly casual sex- means " I can take it or leave it ".
Suppose that you are lounging around in your P.J. and fancy, say, a can of Coke. If you have one sitting in your refrigerator, you'll go to the kitchen and fetch it. But , you would not get dressed and drive 50 miles under a thunderstorm to go buy one- you don't want it SO badly. Tap water will do just fine.
When you get hot and bothered , to use Chigirl's expression, and salivate at the thought, and count the days till it happens... then is not casual enough and there are too many emotions and expectations involved to be totally harmless - to your ego, at least, if not to your feelings.
A
female
reader, PolitePanda +, writes (21 June 2016):
PolitePanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile I think it's completely ridiculous that he said he was interested multiple times when I asked if he wanted to hook up, only to have it not happen.... You guys helped me realize that I am acting desperate and I should move it along and find someone else.
I don't have the time for mind games. I really wanted to hook up with him but screw it. Thank you all for your advice.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 It makes sense, you're just not willing to open your eyes to it. In his shoes, I would say yes too, and not show up. He likes the attention, he likes having sex ready and available, should he ever be in that area. But he's not hot and bothered, probably has other girls he's working on who he would rather prioritize right now. Girls who he wants more than he wants you. He says yes to you just to keep you around, available to him, just in case it doesn't work out with whomever else he's got going.
This is very simple, loads of people say yes in order to keep someone thinking they have a shot, when in reality they are further down the list. Like when I went looking for a rental apartment. I told everyone I was interested, but needed time to think/sort it out. Because I wanted to see if there was something better out there, and wasn't willing on closing the deal with something that I didn't quite want. Yet, I didn't want to have no roof over my head, and was willing to settle if nothing better came along.
Your ex is doing the exact same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2016):
 OP,
All we can do is guess. We don't know the guy. YOU do. So why not just ASK him why he keeps saying yes, but there is no action backing is words up?
Another guess....
(could also be that he has met someone else and hasn't told you, or that it isn't so serious with someone else yet, but he doesn't want to mess it up with sex with an ex).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): It does have to do with self respect. I wasn't saying that if you want sex, you have no self respect chi chi, I was saying that to ask a man time and time again to come and have sex with you, sounds like a degrading thing to do and therefore lacking in self respect.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2016):
Maybe he does not care whether he gives you the wrong impression or not, or if he fosters expectations that are going to stay unmet. He just does what 's easy, practical and convenient for himself- like all " ghosters " do.
That's the limit , IMO, of casual sex, or of being a female player- you have REALLY to be a player with nerves of steel, and an unshakable self confidence , to play it right . And you really have to not give a f..k either way ,if it happens or not, because you know that anyway next guy is just a text message away .
But the average girl, or woman, often gets a bit bruised in the process - in her ego, if not emotionally. You just seem not being able to wrap your head around the fact that he is not be as interested in your playtime as you are . So there must be a precise, serious reason for him to decline, or, actually ,to say yes first and then not show up.
But- for most people just sex is... just sex. Nothing earth-shattering, or that warrants careful planning. It's fun, it's cool, but- one can take it or leave it, - and can say " yes ", " no ", " maybe ", " next time ", or any other response, ( and then change their mind ! ) very casually, because, at the end of the day, it's no big deal and most anybody , as long as they smell clean, will do .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2016):
Why ?
1) For the same reasons tons of people " ghost " the date they are not going to go out with anymore , rather than just spelling it out . They prefer to fade away and / or make excuses, hoping that the other person gets the hint . Because being rejected may be awkward, bur for tons of people DOING the rejecting is as awkward or more.
2 ) Telling you frankly " No, I don't want to have sex with you " - would have sounded quite blunt and final - and you would have taken it as a total, definite severing of ties.
Instead, probably this guy does not want you out of his sexual menu forever . He just does not want you when you want him, and 50 miles are a long drive for a couple hours of casual sex. But, just in case he should happen in future to pass by your town ,and to be horny and have the time, he can still hit you up, put together some excuse about how busy / overworked / ill he has been,... and get some from you. At HIS convenience. His is a diplomatic silence.
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A
female
reader, PolitePanda +, writes (20 June 2016):
PolitePanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSTILL doesn't make sense that he would say yes so many times but not be interested. Letting me down gently? No, that's giving me the wrong impression.
And the reason I wanted to play around with this particular ex is because he's the best lover I've ever had and I'm used to him. And he's.... 'blessed' down there. It's been almost 3 months since our last rendezvous.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 June 2016):
Oh, and this has nothing to do with lacking self respect. Women have sexual needs just the same as men, plain and simple. Some more than others. The vibrator becomes boring very fast, if you ask me. So from one female player to (perhaps) another: go for it. And screw what anyone thinks. It's your life, you live it as you please, and if sex is what you need and desire right now, then why shouldn't you have it?
Just use condoms, like I said, and get yourself tested on a regular basis as a health precaution. How often you should get tested depends entirely on how many new sexual partners you have in between each test. Once every third month if you have a lot, and then maybe once a year if you only stick to one new guy a year. Testing is often free of charge.
Enjoy yourself!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 June 2016):
Yes, it's desperate. But you are desperate. I suggest instead of asking your ex, who doesn't really appear to show up when you need him to, find someone else. I mean, you have asked your ex already, he knows where to find you. Asking him again will not make him come over faster, on the contrary he will see you as pushy and desperate, and that's a turn off.
There are two essentials when it comes to finding a lover:
1. He needs to be mentally in a place where he will not attach feelings to sex, or want more from you.
2. He needs to show up on a regular basis when you need to get your business taken care of.
Your ex might pass at point 1, but fails at point 2. So it's time to move on to someone else who can fulfill both points. It's not that easy, actually. Most who show up on a regular basis have the habit of developing feelings, and vice versa (as shown with your ex).
If you fail to find a good lover who fulfills both points, stick to one night stands for the time being.
Always use condoms. And if the man has outbreaks, don't touch.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 June 2016):
Actions speak louder than words. In this case, his course of no action.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2016):
Yes, it would be very desperate. You already asked him 3 times and it never happened- obviously he is not interested. His words said yes ( maybe he was taken aback, or maybe he did not want to hurt your feelings by refusisng you openly ) but his actions say "no " loud and clear.
So let him be ... and also be honest with yourself.
This can't be just about being horny- if that's all it is about, being horny, why does this particular guy have to be the one you hook up with ? Considering the logistics is not in your favour. If it had been about " horny ", you could easily have engineered a hook up with someone met at a pub, or on a night out,- or through a dating app, or a casual encounters site.
I doubt you simply can't wait to get laid_; otherwise, you would NOT have been waiting this guy's convenience for 8 weeks as you did. I think what you really want is " exposure " time, the chance to reconnect, or to spend some time with someone you carry a torch for.... and he must have sensed it too, which is another reason why he declined the offer.
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A
female
reader, PolitePanda +, writes (20 June 2016):
PolitePanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI mean, we hooked up once before and things were cool between us.
I just don't understand why he would say 'yes', but then not hit me back up. Why not just say no?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 June 2016):
 You already look desperate asking him once, in my opinion. You've asked him three times now so yes, a fourth would look extremely desperate.
I suppose if he had some free time and was in the mood and in the area, he might be interested in a hook up, but clearly he isn't all that bothered.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2016):
I agree with WiseOwlE
He isn't interested. IF he was... he would find a way to meet up. He wouldn't just say yes and NOT back it up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): He is avoiding you purposely. Hooking up with an ex is a huge no-no! You'll get attached again, and he knows it.
On the spot, the only answer he can give is yes! It's hard for a guy to say no to sex; but he knows there will be strings attached. You know it too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): HiI can't help but think that yes, it would look desperate. You've asked him, he's given his (half hearted) answer and so there's nothing more you can do to make this happen. Do you think that there's perhaps a possibility that he's not really interested and is just letting you down gently?This would stop me from asking at all, if there was the slightest possibility that this was the case.There are ways of relieving your feelings without stooping to begging for him to come and have sex with you. Think about self respect and put your energies into something else until you find a man who can't keep his hands off you! And if your ex should happen to turn up, find the strength to tell him you've changed your mind. Sex should have meaning and real feelings, not just scratching an itch and I couldn't ever imagine asking an ex to come and service me. I don't mean to be judgemental but I can't help feeling that it would be great if you conducted yourself with a little more self respect. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.
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