A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know there are a lot of pleas for help on how not to be so lonely and how to make more friends but here is mine, another to add to the list!The only time when I feel comfortable and I can truly be myself (whoever that is) is when I am with my family or 2 of my friends whom I have known for years. Other than that, I find it so hard to interact with people. I always get the impression that people think I’m a bit of an oddball and I find it difficult to make conversation. Sometimes I try to say something to join in a conversation, but most of the time I just feel stupid for trying. I mostly keep quiet as I think, if I have nothing interesting to say, then it is not worth bothering. That therefore puts me in a box as a person who is boring and uninteresting. This was the case all through school and whatever hope of it changing went down the drain after I got to uni. It really gets me down. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like an awkward duck. I have been told before that I am too uptight and don't know how to let go and enjoy life. All true, but I just can't, there is nothing inside me letting me. I feel as though life is passing me by and I'm just standing still.I am in my first year of university and pulled a short straw on accommodation; I began living with 8 other girls- 2 Chinese, a Russian, a Japanese, and 4 other English girls. The foreign girls didn't, and still don't, talk or make conversation however hard I have tried (in my own way), and by Christmas 4 of the girls had moved out. It's very quiet here and it doesn't help that I was dreading coming to uni anyway. I have heard of other flats that cook together and go out clubbing or to bars. I have made a few sort-of friends but they don't go out much and many have boyfriends so don't really want to branch out to make other friends. I therefore spend a lot of time alone, which I don't detest, as I don't mind my own company, but just wish it didn't happen with such regularity.It feels as though it will never get easier and I'll never have a good relationship with someone/people when you are totally comfortable and happy. I haven't had a girly giggle over nothing in so long and just hope that it won't always be like this. How long can someone survive when loneliness consumes them? But then I think that it won't happen when I feel like this because I will seem desperate and on it goes, a vicious circle much?! I've never had a boyfriend (no wonder really) and I just don't think it’s in the cards for me. I wish I had the closeness and love with someone that comes with such a relationship but how can I open myself to someone else when I’m not comfortable with who I am? I read a lot of romance books, and I mean ALOT! With life and all its uncertainty (and awkwardness in my case) I just love the guaranteed happy ending. I like to think that if I can't have one then its nice to read about people who can (albeit fictional ones).It doesn't help that I have a sister who is the definition of the word 'success'. She has great grades, an awesome boyfriend, so many friends who she can just openly chat with and have a laugh. I'm a pro at putting on a brave face and acting like life is peachy but it's not. Not at all.Sorry I have rambled on for so long. When you start, it’s hard to stop! Thank you for taking time to read this :)
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christmas, clubbing, moved out, never had a boyfriend, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): i will comment on the boyfriend part, you said "but how can I open myself to someone else when I’m not comfortable with who I am?" ... i felt the same, i felt how can i make someone happy, when i dont like who i am, but believe me, i found a guy who is really different, and who loves me for who i am, i dont have to worry about what he think of me, i am just being myself with him... trust me, there are some guy for you, i dont know when will u meet him, but u dont have to worry just stay happy because really really people dont care abt anyone and dont deserve u to care that much abt them.
A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (26 February 2011):
 I notice you immediately commented on your own post as if it was not very important. Just another 'add to the list' plea for advice. Dont do that to yourself. You are putting yourself down as soon as you start! Your issues are as valid as anyone elses. You must try and understand that in order to change the way you feel about yourself. If you dont love you and feel you are important, how can you expect others too? An amount of self love is very healthy and we all need that to survive and thrive.
Why do you feel you cant be yourself around others? Why do you hide the real you and put up a front? Why would you think people might view you as odd. And why do you feel stupid? These are questions you should be asking yourself. You need to find the answers to these questions in order to overcome your shyness and insecurities.
It may be that back in the mists of time, you learned to take a back seat because your sister hogged the limelight and always seemed 'better' at everything. Who knows!
Take some time out for yourself and dont worry too much about trying to force yourself to be more outgoing. Explore instead, what has led to you becoming shy and insecure around people. Once you begin to understand WHY you feel as you do, you will be able to climb over that wall youve built up around yourself. All the best.
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A
male
reader, amorak +, writes (26 February 2011):
You sound almost exactly like me. Just like you, I find it hard to make friends and say stupid things when I try to join in a conversation and I'm awkward a lot. I never had a gf until I was 22 and you shouldn't worry about that, it will happen when it happens. I find pretty much all aspects of social life hard but recently I've been getting a little better at it, I don't do great compared to other people who can just go up and talk to people like it's no big deal but I'm a lot better than I used to be.So my advice would be to try and not worry about it, try not to worry what other people think and if you can, push yourself out there a little more even if it's uncomfortable sometimes. You will find lots of people that are hard to talk to but sometimes you will find a few people that are really easy to talk to and their usually the kind of people that make good friends.And remember that having friends isn't a numbers game, it's not how many friends you have that counts.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 I am the same as you, except that I am 30. I grew up always thinking there is something wrong with myself. I decide I am going to accept the way I am. The reason why I don't make friends is because I have no interest. No one, especially my parents, can force this interest. No amount of shame can do that. When I was in college I remember telling my therapist that I worry I would forget how to talk since my life was so quiet. Despite being solitary, throughout the years I've had 5 relationships, got divorced and have a kid. I get through my life and my job. I handle my customers well but at the end of the day I don't care about socializing. Now I have a wonderful, passionate relationship with my boyfriend who encourages me to be myself. I wish I could go back to my 20 year old self and tell her not to worry that much.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Whew that is a long list. Let me just say first not to give up, there is hope. You just might have to work at it harder then others at first to be successful at socializing.Step one: Study other people and see how they do it. Your sister may be able to help you get started. Ask her if you can hang out with her a few times until you become more comfortable with groups. And watch what they do. Study it like there is going to be test on it in the morning.Step 2: Join a club so you can be around other people who share some of the same interests as you and make some new friends at the same time. Keep up with current events and music so you can join into conversations and have something interesting to add to them. Use your obvious intelligence to your advantage. They don't need know you had to look up conversation starters just to have something to say. Just try to be natural about it. And if you forget or get stuck. Ask them lots of questions about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves. And will think your interesting for doing so. Step 3: Ditch the glasses if you wear them for contacts. Get a friend or a salon if you can afford it to give you a full makeover, new haircut, hi-lights, makeup, the works. This step is not neccessarily to make you more attractive but to give your self esteem a big boost.Because in the end confidence is the real key. People flock to someone who feels good about themselves and they love to hang around with a winner who doesn't hide from the world. Lift your head hi as you walk around between classes and smile at everyone even the lunchlady. Walk tall and proud with confidence everywhere you go, even if you think no one is looking. Because in time it will become second nature to you and you won't even have to think about it anymore. Step 4: Never forget to be yourself, you don't have to agree with everything everyone else says or does just to be liked or respected. As long as you stick to what you truly believe in you should be fine. I hope you write again to let us know how it's going.
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