A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am gay and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost over 2 and a half years now. I love him with all my heart, so much it hurts when I have to be away from him. As corny as it sounds he completes me, just thinking of him makes me happy, the slightest touch turns me on more than anyone else ever has. We recently bought a house together and last year while on holiday in New York he asked me to marry him and I said yes without hesitation. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and can’t imagine any of it without him.My problem is I always ejaculate prematurely during sex. Usually it happens upon entering, on occasion it happens before that, during the approach phase at it were. When we first started having sex, it didn’t happen at all, I felt I had lasted a normal time, a lot longer than I had in the past and was overjoyed that my previous problem might be gone, I was genuinely pleased with how it went, which was a first for me. The second time was a disaster, I came in my pants during heavy petting, the next as soon as I entered. For about 6 months after that it seemed to be either cumming immediately on entry or after just a few strokes. Then the few strokes times seemed to become rarer and rarer and now (for about 2 years) it’s always upon entry or sooner. We don’t do sex where I am “top” all the time (as much as I hate that phrasing there’s no real better way to put it), he wasn’t experienced or too comfortable with the idea of being bottom and I had not been top much before we met, but we were both understanding to each other from quite early on.This problem has left me constantly worrying and feeling stressed out, anxious, ashamed and upset. It has gotten to the point where it occupies almost every waking moment to some degree. I always feel down and constantly on the verge of tears with worrying about it. Quite often I go out to walk the dog so I can find a quite place to be alone so I can let go and cry. After this type of sex or at a particular time when it’s been getting to me, I will cry myself to sleep, or even sleep in the spare room out of shame. I think I am alienating family and friends because I am always upset and feeling angry with myself. I feel ashamed of myself, like I am to blame. I feel like I am not satisfying him, or being a good enough lover. I certainly know I am not comparable to how he can perform. He can make love to me for what seems like long enough for me to really get the most from the experience, usually involving at least one or two changes of position and rhythm, and he can always ensure I climax at an optimum moment while he is still inside me. I can only aspire to be able to do this. He delivers sensations and a certain type of orgasm that I am just not capable of giving him, and I do not know what it feels like to make love to him, use any sort of different position, or look at what we are doing because I am not there nearly long enough to do so. All I get is the sudden overwhelming panic of “oh god, I’m going to cum, not yet, not again!” the second I start to push in and I already know I am past the point of no return, then I ejaculate. I do not know what it feels like to slide my cock in and out, to experience a slow build up of sensation before reaching a point of release. Or of seeing his face and knowing I am delivering to him what I feel when he makes love to me.This leaves me feeling overwhelmed by shame and embarrassment, like I’m not good enough, I feel like I’m not a real man. I have tried over the last 2 years+ to self help with this problem. We have talked about this, and he says it is not a problem for him, that he is happy and fulfilled but I know he is just trying to spare my feelings, or because he is unaware of what it could be like doesn’t realise what it could be. At first I wanted to try pills, but he was against the idea, he tried the squeeze technique but I felt it ruined things, and for a long time I have been trying the stop start masturbation training but that has had no effect. He got some delaying condoms about a year ago but so far hasn’t wanted to use them. The vast majority of articles I read about it are of no help, describing techniques like stop/start or changing speed, but these are of no use if you cum on the first stroke. Most assume the man is straight and say to use more foreplay to get her closer before penetration, or even that PE does not exist for gay men which I find insulting. Most problem pages and blogs start with “I only last a minute” or 5 or 10, and I really can’t even relate to these because for me even a minute would be such a vast improvement, something I would be so much happier with. I feel I am becoming obsessed with these sites, continually searching for some insight, some answer that would shed hope onto things. Sometimes I feel like there is a way of overcoming it, some secret that everyone else is in on but I am not. I am also becoming increasingly obsessed with searching porn sites (mostly XTube), hoping that I will find some videos that show men just like me but I never do, so instead I look for videos of what I long to be able to do and just wonder what it would feel like. To be honest I’m sick of seeing men (not just porn it’s throughout media and film) with a seemingly God given ability to fuck without problem or fear of problem, especially when it’s supposed to be his first time or a straight guy tricked into it or whatever (I can’t believe they would be able so I choose not to). Why does it seem some men can last for ages, or even just a minute or two and I can’t?I wish I knew what to do, if there is anything, or am I just cursed with an oversensitivity and doomed to be like this for the rest of my life? I don’t think I can bear that idea. Should I just accept that I can’t do it and never will be able to and quit the whole “top” thing and just be the bottom? I really am at my wits end with this and don’t know what to do about it. Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, groovymoving  +, writes (16 June 2010):
It's just a guess but there might be something wrong with your hormone levels or something among the lines. Maybe you should see a doctor? If it's a health problem, I'm sure it can be solved.
PS: You are uttermost lucky to have a partner as understanding as the one you have. Congratulations!
A
male
reader, der_zyniker  +, writes (26 April 2010):
If I were you I would stop trying to look on the internet for an answer and talk to your partner. Tell him exactly how you feel. Sex also shouldn't be the most important thing in your relationship. As long as you love each other nothing else should matter. I don't think that how much he loves you depends on how well you perform in bed. How well anyone performs in bed doesn't make them any more or less of a man. I don't think how well you perform in bed should matter as much as the fact that you two are expressing just how much you love each other. My bet as to what is causing this problem is that you are putting to much pressure on your self. Just let go and relax.
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