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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My dad died on September 11, 2018 and today is the 3 year anniversary of his death. My boyfriend is not supportive of me at all and it feels like my grief is an imposition on him. It is a hard day for me but he doesn't seem to understand. He hates when I talk about it and feels I go on about missing my dad. He feels I should have moved on by now. But a part of me died with my dad and I am not the same person. I feel he doesn't get to dictate how or how long I grieve. I can't just move on. I was very close to my dad and I feel his loss profoundly to this day. And I always will.All I need is love and understanding and support today. But I have pulled away from him because he seems totally incapable and not interested in providing support. This makes me feel even more distraught as I am alone in my grief. Would you be upset with your partner if they behaved as he does? Am I doing something wrong here and am I at fault somehow and don't see it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2021): My heart breaks for you.He just does not understand.I do.It took me ten years of crying after my mom died.Now when I have a memory of her I smile.A memory can come out of no where but I love those memories.I talk about my mom all the time..I really loved her.He must of never had such a loss in his life yet.If he gives you no support find a support group with people like you who do understand.We who have been there understand.Even though I do not know you I understand and am on your side.Things do get better in time you may get to the point I am at.So here I am your support from afar.Rember you are not alone.Hugs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): I am sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever hit us in a lifetime like the loss of our parents. They gave us life, they nurtured, cared for, and protected us. We love them in a way we could love no-one else on this planet. That is, those of us who had loving good parents. I don't even want to ruin the sentiment by even mentioning people who can't love their own flesh and blood.
I've also lost both my parents. Over the years, I've lost three sisters. The last was to lupus two years ago. No, you don't just turn-off your grief like a running faucet. You have good-days and bad-days; and you can go for long stretches of time without so much as a thought about it. Anniversaries, seeing the resemblance in their kids, holidays, and family-gatherings always make you miss them like crazy. No-one understands the grief but the griever, my dear. Even my partner of 28 years died of cancer. Yet another loss. I still had the love of all those survivors around me; who wouldn't allow me to sense any gaps or deficiencies in affection. I have my God, and His boundless love to comfort me.
If grief takes you into depression, that's beyond normal feelings of loss. That might require some prayer and bereavement-counseling. Death is part of the natural circle of life; and those who have departed don't want us falling into melancholy or mental-illness. They loved us, and want us to appreciate the life and memories they've given us to appreciate long after they're gone. They hope we remember them with love and happiness, not sadness. It won't bring them back. Nobody likes drama or dealing with us when we're unhappy. Especially, when they've tried everything; and it never helps anyway. Which is likely the case for you; but you're a little too much into yourself to realize your behavior isn't necessarily the best you can offer anybody. Don't pretend like you're able to appreciate everything he has gone through. You're not humanly capable of that. You can only pretend to, and that's more annoying than it is anything else. Don't expect a "boyfriend" to behave like a husband. He isn't bound to lifelong vows and divine devotion; he's with you on the honor system. His duties and responsibilities are limited. His sympathies will go as far as he's capable; and you may be demanding far too much.
I'm not going to condemn or harshly judge your boyfriend's behavior; because to some degree he's prodding you not to slump into a state of emotional-distress. He can't feel what you feel, because he didn't lose his own father. Don't place the burden on other people to feel your sorrows, their empathies can only go so far. You have no right to expect him to be as upset about the loss of "your" father as you are. Even you shouldn't go but so far with it. Yes, we all express grief in our own way, but then there's a point when we need help from a professional. Like that or not, it's the truth. Some people take grieving to an exaggerated level by doing strange things, or exhibiting very dark behavior. When you've gone that far, you have to see a therapist. I've seen people set-up shrines in the homes, plaster pictures on almost every wall; and speak about the dead as if they were still alive. That's loving in their eyes, but it's really a cry for help. Sometimes our spouses or romantic-partners are not equipped to deal with our grief; because they can't handle their own. It's unfair to demand it.
Celebrate your dad's life with love and affection. Don't pile doom and gloom onto the memory of the man who loved you so dearly. He would be sad to know you're so grieved and depressed. We all have to deal with losing loved-ones, family, and friends. It's a part of life, and we have to go-on living with loving-memories to tide us over; until we meet again in the afterlife. If you don't believe there is an afterlife; I understand this may seem like the end of the line here, but it isn't.
Love your father without sorrow, and keep his memory alive without pain. Don't associate his good memory with misery, my dear. That's not what he would want, and I know that's not what those I've lost would want. I believe they're now resting in God's care; until I can see them all again. Grief for those we love and have lost doesn't go-away; we only learn to live with their memories, and appreciate living for as long as we're given the gift of life. One day, we will pass-on too. Leaving behind good memories for those who love and cherish you.
I don't believe your boyfriend doesn't care. You're trying to make him express the same kind of emotions as you have, for someone he isn't related to. Men don't always outwardly express emotion, but deep-down inside we can be a total wreck. We are conditioned from boyhood to show strength; and to be rock-steady in all situations...even though we also go to pieces like anybody else. If he's well over 40, he will maintain a certain amount of stoicism anyway; because this is considered masculine-behavior. Try to feel some joy for your memories, don't collapse into sadness. That's not what our parents want. They only want us to be happy. You're mature and experienced enough now that you've developed knowledge of these things, unlike a child. When we can't cope, or lose hope; we seek help from our Lord God for peace and comfort; and we can also turn to medical science. Both are provided by God for our benefit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 September 2021):
 I so dislike when people presume others should "just get over their grief" by XX date. That is not how grief works.
Your BF is an inconsiderate person. Not a compassionate one.
HE doesn't grieve your father. (nor does he have to) But not understanding that you STILL feel the loss and miss your dad is just sad.
For some grief is private, for others, it's not.
My advice is to seek out others who KNEW and loved your dad on this day. Share memories of him. Talk about him. Go visit his grave or his favorite spot.
If your BF can't support you on this day then find people who can.
I don't know how strongly your loss affects your daily life, but grief counseling might be a thing to consider. NOT to "get over" the grief but to LIVE with the loss.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 September 2021):
 I am so sorry for your sad loss.
This resonated with me and may help you: "Grief is like carrying a rock in your pocket. At first you notice how heavy it is all the time and the weight is a constant burden. But after a time, while you still feel the rock there, it stops feeling so heavy." Grief never leaves us totally; we just get used to living with it.
Your boyfriend does sound a bit insensitive. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and ponder whether he is just uncomfortable dealing with emotions (as are many men). Is he usually supportive of you? Is this the only area in which be fails? Or is he completely uninterested in offering support of any kind? If the latter, you should be asking a completely different question here.
You are not "doing something wrong". There is no right or wrong where loss and grief are concerned. Even the same person can grieve different losses very differently. It is what it is and will take as long as it will take. Sadly there are no short cuts.
It does seem a little unreasonable, if you are just looking for special support on one day, that your boyfriend seems incapable/unwilling to provide this. Have you told him what would keep you feeling supported? What you actually want him to do? A general "be supportive" really doesn't tell him how you would like him to act and could mean anything from giving you an extra cuddle to arranging activities for the day to try to keep your mind off your loss.
If your relationship is ok in all other ways, and this is the only area in which your boyfriend falls down, do you have a close friend or family member with whom you could spend this day each year, someone who could be more supportive than your boyfriend is able to be?
Have you considered talking to a grief counsellor about your feelings? Just discussing how you feel with someone non-judgmental and understanding could help you.
Your dad would have expected you to carry on living your life where he had to leave his, not for part of you to die with him. Losing parents is the natural progression of life and death. Try to appreciate how lucky you were to have such a wonderful father and stay strong in his memory.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2021): Hi
So sorry about the loss of your father.
I don't think anyone has the right to dictate how long you take to grieve, no, but I also think that you should not impose your grief onto others.
If you feel sad (and I totally understand, I lost my mother nearly twenty years ago and still cry when I think about her death), take yourself off and grieve alone. Think of your father, talk to him, feel as sad as you do for as long as you want, but in my opinion, you can't ask others to join in.
Your boyfriend can't take away your grief, only time can do that. Ask him for a hug maybe, but don't ask him for continual support.
People get what's called 'compassion fatigue.' They can only be compassionate about other people's problems for so long. I hate to suggest that you might feel the same if a friend wanted your continued support for the same thing. After a while, compassion wanes. It's natural and normal.
Your boyfriend is not your therapist. In this life you have to nurture strength of spirit and mind to get you through what life throws at you. I have never expected others to help me through anything. If someone gives me a hug when I'm feeling down, then that's great, but I would never expect it.
I am, in fact, the opposite of you. I try not to impose my grief on others. I try not to take my problems to anyone's door.
Be strong and be your own therapist. Greet your boyfriend with a smile and when he can see that you're trying to cope alone, it will make him more sympathetic towards you. EXPECTING him to care, year after year, is unfair. Deal with your own grief, see a counsellor, someone who is paid to care for however long you need. But take this burden off your boyfriend's shoulders. It doesn't belong there.
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