A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Just wondered If I am being unreasonable, as my partner said, sometimes it's good to get an outsiders perspective!Live with my partner of 4 years. I work near enough full time and study full time. He works full time. I do pretty much all of the housework. When we have time together I will usually cook. I have an allergy to some things so I will cook two seperate dishes, or cook something we both can eat which I know he enjoys. Last night I didnt get much sleep. Iv done a full days work on about two hours sleep, not really eaten everything, also been really run down lately. So tonight I came home and he started cooking for himself. Something he knows i cannot eat. I began tidying up and doing some ironing. I assumed he wa going to make me something, since I always do. 2 hours later he shouted me down, his food was ready. He asked me what I was going to cook for myself. I was really upset and angry. Today was his day off by the way. I told him he'd made me feel really uncared about, it's not the first time he's done something like this. I find it quite selfish. It's the small things he doesn't do which make me feel unappreciated. And tonight I was tired, hungry and fed up and getting over a few days of feeling Ill, I feel he couldve just cooked me something, he could have even used most of the same ingredients! And Its not like I expected to lounge about whilst he cooked for me, I was doing OUR ironing and OUR cleaning!He however got angry with me and doesn't see my point. Am I really overreacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I'm in agreement with Sageoldguy 100% on this one.
Your boyfriend is very selfish and inconsiderate, but to be honest I cringed at some of the things you do for him. Cooking two separate meals?
If you want to be appreciated for the things you do, you must do them in moderation.
You've already spoken to him about this, several times I'd wager, with nothing to show for it. Talking is negotating so say very little and make what you do say count. If you want things to be different then YOU must make changes and you must stick to those changes.
You cook what YOU like. If he doesn't like it, he can prepare his own meals, and you can take the leftovers for lunch.
Wash and iron only YOUR clothes.
Do the above cheerfully and if he gets upset, ignore him. If he complains, pretend you don't understand what he's talking about (let him shoulder the burden of trying to convince you for a change). He may pout for days but sheer necessity will force him to come around eventually. Stop worrying about being fair and do what actually works for you.
Please understand that assuming the role of an all purpose slave does not elicit love or respect from anyone. It encourages your partner to be a worse person, not a better one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): He never cooks for me, no. Although he did used to. And I'd already spoken to him at lunch time that I wasn't feeling that great, and I hadn't eaten anything. He decides not to cook for me, in his own words, he's not cooking two dishes and if I don't want what he's making I should make my own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I think you need to realize that he is not a mind reader. You assumed he would cook YOU something, because YOU always take care of him.
Maybe the reason he didn't cook for you is that is isn't sure how to avoid the things you can not eat?
Talk to him. Tell him or he will not figure it out on his own. Without being mad.
Don't waste your energy being mad, say something - do something.
With all that said, honestly, I don't think he had a right to be mad. I just think it was his defence mechanism for being called uncaring. Doesn't make it right, but it might be an explanation. No one likes being told that they make others feel uncared for.
Does he ever cook for you? Or the few times he does cook, only cook for himself?
Also, if you feel unappriciated TELL him. Or STOP doing all those little things you do for him. Maybe then he will notice and pay attention. You are not his maid. Personally if my partner didn't appriciate what I do for him, us and the family as a whole, I would not do them. As it stands right now I don't do my hubands laundry. Never. He can't seem to put the dirty clothes in the hamper (12 feet away from our bed) so I can't seem to pick it up. This worked for my kids when they didn't put it in the hamper lol I figured it would for a grown man too, but so far..... (5 years later) it hasn't. I don't waste time being mad over it, I just stopped picking up after him. It's his choice to pick it up or wash it himself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 October 2011):
 You're only overreacting if one believes that this thoughtless creep who you live with should have one iota of concern for his G/F.....
My guess is that this isn't an isolated incident... but that there's a pattern of his not being very nice or thoughtful to you.....
If you were my sister, I'd recommend that you dump this creep and find a real nice B/F....
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Did you try asking him to cook something instead of just assuming he would? I'll bet he would have been willing to, and only got defensive after you got angry.It was thoughtless of him, true, but we've all had thoughtless moments. It's easy to get complacent, but it's just as easy to politely ask for the help the other person didn't think of.Consider this water under the bridge, and next time just ask him nicely to help. If he doesn't, then there's an issue, but it may be he just has a one-track mind and doesn't even notice when something is out of place. It's not an insurmountable flaw if he's willing to work around it, and you're willing to help.
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