A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up 2 weeks ago after a 3 year relationship. I saw him as the love of my life, and I know in my heart that he has never loved anyone as much as he did me. We were gonna get married, there was even a point where I took him into my home because he lost his job and couldn't afford his rent anymore. Even though it was tough for him work-wise, it was one of the best times we've ever had in our relationship, just living together. He did end up finding a much better job.We fell so deep for each other, I would've done anything for him, and I'm sure he would've done the same for me. He protected me, and never let anything hurt me. He had an outgoing personality, made friends with anyone anywhere we went. He was always the life of the party. Hand in hand, we could have conquered anything. We went through everything together; we fought a lot but always made up. I've met and became a part of his family (his mother absolutely adores us). I still love him a lot.Last month, someone told and sent me pictures of my boyfriend making out with another girl at a party. I confronted him, and he confessed that he was in a drunken stupor, and had sex with her. He had no excuses or explanations other than that. I tried to leave the room, and he grabbed my arm. I pulled away, and he hit me.He's never done anything like that in the 3 years we've been together. After a couple of days, he called me and apologized over and over. We talked for a while and I forgave him, but I just couldn't find it in my heart to take him back.Now, we barely talk and text (we used to talk every minute of every day..). His friends and coworkers tell me that he just basically goes to work and goes home, and doesn't associate much anymore, in a depressed state. The other day, when I went to go pick up a few things at his place, everything was a mess (but then again, I had always been the one to pick up after him). I noticed that all of our pictures together were still up around his apartment, except for the ones in the bedroom, which were face-down. His eyes were bloodshot and baggy (he always used to keep up with his appearance), and he hadn't shaved. He could barely look me in the eyes, or even talk. It killed me to see him like that.When we talk, he barely says much, but it's something. He doesn't call back or reply to anyone else, from what I hear. He's not the type to express his emotions, but I know he's hurting. Even as I sit here writing this, it breaks my heart, bringing tears to my eyes because I love and miss him so much. And I feel so empty without his arms wrapped around me. But I can't get over the fact of what he did to me that night. I know this sounds like a hopeless soap opera, but I desperately need help. I don't know what to do next. My heart and my mind are telling me two different things.Do I take him back and move on with who I thought was the love of my life? Or do I let him go, even if it's tears me apart inside?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Thank you all for your help. I can't seem to find the page where you put in the code to go back as the Original Poster, but I guess I can just reply here.
I read each and every reply thoroughly and I have had a deep, deep talk with him and convinced him to seek therapy in order for us to move on as a couple. I love him dearly, and only want to be happy with him again, no matter how hard the journey. Of course, we aren't together officially, but he knows where I stand. He did grow up in a hostile and violent environment as a child, and, though it is no excuse, it would explain his violent rage towards me that one night.
I want to thank everybody for not saying, "Dump him, let him go forever, forget about him, he isn't worth it," like so many people have. This will be a hard road ahead, but I'm confident we will get through this together, with the help of a professional.
Thank you again, everybody. You guys have helped save a 3 year long relationship.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 July 2010):
 This is a really tough one - if he had just cheated and apologized to you repeatedly then I would probably say take him back. But because he cheated, then had the audacity to hit you when you tried to leave the room - there is no going back from that one I'm afraid. There is no excuse to hit your partner, especially when he was the one in the wrong after he cheated on you.
I think the fact that he cheated and then hit you is a clear sign he has some serious issues deep down that are slowly coming to the surface. There you were happlily going along with a man who you thought was perfect, and in your mind your relationship was perfect too. All the while he went out, got wasted, slept with someone else and then didnt have the guts to tell you himself so he lied, until someone sent you the pictures (I am so sorry you had to find out like that by the way, I cant imagine how horrible that must have been). So he was happy to lie to you for the rest of your life, if that person had not sent you the pictures then you would have never known. And then to hit you as well - that is just beyond belief.
I think to you this relationship is perfect but to your ex, clearly he is not happy - whether this is with you or within himself (I have a feeling it is the latter option). He has sabotaged the relationship by having druken sex with another person, and I am a huge believer in that when you cheat, regardless of alcohol or drugs, it is a great big warning sign that something is not right in the relationship. And I think that "thing" that is not right is him - to cheat and then to hit you when he has never displayed these characteristics before says to me that something within him has changed, or some issues he has been repressing are coming out faster than he can push them back in.
I know it is hard for you to see him suffer, but he gave no thought to your suffering did he? He didnt think about the pain he would cause you when he was having sex with another girl, he didnt think about the suffering you would experience when he hit you. Dont let his misery and suffering become more important than you - what he has done to you is unforgiveable for most people and he should be the one feeling awful for making you suffer so much.
To be honest with you I dont think going back to him is a good idea. I dont think your ex has shown any signs of remorse, he has not tried everything he can to apologize and make it up to you, he has just fallen into a state of depression and is wallowing in his own misery. If this was going to work a second time round he would be on the phone to you daily, sending you flowers, seeking help from a therapist for his anger problem to prove he would never hit you again - basically he would be on his hands and knees begging for you back. But it sounds to me he has not even said he wants to get back together since you had that one talk where he apologized. It has only been 2 weeks, so he has clearly given up on your relationship very quickly.
This is going to be hard to take but I think your feelings for him are much stronger than his feelings for you. He cheated, hit you and now after only 2 weeks cant even be bothered to contact you. Whereas here you are agonizing over his well-being, wondering if you should take him back - pouring your heart out to strangers just so you can get your head around the situation. And when one partner invests so much more into a relationship (like you have) and the other does not reciprocate, then that is a recipe for disaster.
I think he has issues within himself that he needs time alone to sort out. This will explain the depression like state he is in now - I dont actually think it is because of you. I think it is because he sabotaged something good, and he will have his own reasons why (there are always reasons, just most people choose not to look deep into themselves to find out why) and he is fighting to keep them pushed down deep within his mind. Anger and cheating dont come from no-where, and this depression is a clear sign he is fighting some demons within. And there is nothing you can do to help him I'm afraid, he needs to sort this out himself.
I think if you went back to him all might be good for a few months, but his issues would re-surface eventually and he would end up hurting you again. So in all honesty I think it is time to let him go, you deserve better after investing so much into a relationship and I dont think it is right to lower yourself to accepting cheating and domestic violence. After all that you have done for him, and all that your relationship was, all the wonderful memories, I think it would de-value the relationship and those memories if you went back and allowed the relationship to get worse.
The only way that this relationship could have a chance now if he spent a good few months alone, and for him to seek therapy. There is something, or multiple issues, he needs to deal with and clearly he is not doing that very well on his own. The only way you could ever trust him again is to know that 1. he would not hit you again (therefore he must deal with his anger problems with a professional) and 2. that he would never cheat again (and if he cannot give you a reason why he did it then he needs to spend time getting therapy so they can help him dig out the reason why he did that).
So I guess you could suggest to him that you would be willing to forgive him and give things another shot but only when he has had therapy and professional help for his anger problems. I know it might seem like hitting you once is not "anger problems" but you have to understand as soon as he has done it once the chances are he will do it again. He has to find out why he hit you in the first place in order to prevent it from happening again. If you let him leave it untreated (so to speak) the root cause of the problem will only manifest itself deeper and may come back in months, or in a few years time, but it will be worse. So even for one incident like this he needs to get professional help.
If he is willing to get help then that shows he is willing to really put the effort in to your relationship and getting it back on track. But if he wont do that for the sake of you and your relationship, then he really is not the one for you - if he wanted this as badly as you do he will do anything to get you back, including sorting his own problems out.
At the end of the day this is up to you - if I were you I would let him go as too much has happened to ever recover from in my opinion. But if you really cannot let go then maybe it is worth one final talk with him, and tell him that you love him and would like to try again but only on the condition he seeks therapy/professional help for his problems. Tell him that you need to know he will never hit you again, and that you need to know the REAL reason he cheated on you therefore he needs to seek help to uncover that reason, so you can move forward in your relationship.
If he is willing to do this for you then great, you have a fighting chance that it may oneday go back to being great again. If he is not willing then that is his way of allowing his personal issues to take priority over you, and you cannot be in a relationship where one partner holds his own issues as a higher priorty than his partner.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best, but remember one thing - he has made you suffer badly, so dont forget what he did to you and focus on his suffering.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, May27 +, writes (29 July 2010):
 And by the way, kudos to you. You should be very proud of yourself for leaving a bad situation. It usually takes women years to learn - if they ever do.
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A
female
reader, May27 +, writes (29 July 2010):
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I know that it is difficult and painful on so many levels. I do think that there are a couple of things that you need to remember though. One, despite how hard it is to see him in pain - remember that he deserves it. He needs to feel bad. He needs to show remorse. He slept with another woman and then he HIT YOU! I understand that you love him dearly, but what he put you through is monumentally worse then what you are doing to him.
Two, you are feeling a lot of pain right now because of everything that has happened in the past few weeks. You found out that your dear love cheated on you, you were struck by him, and then you have to deal with the break-up (which is always hard on its own).
I know that most women will say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "once an abuser, always an abuser"... but I think there may be exceptions - very few and rare exceptions, that is. I know that I have been the victim of domestic violence in several relationships coupled often with cheating as well... despite how much I wanted it, none of my ex's changed. They did show remorse, but every time it happened they seemed to show less.
If after you have both had time to heal you find yourself still wanting to be with him AND you truly and honestly believe that he has made genuine steps to change then go in to it again slowly and with an open mind. But don't do anything drastic now. The wounds are too fresh. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): It just sounds like you are such a great team together and work well together. It's hard to find that kind of teamwork that you seem to have. He obviously loves you. I've been around partiers most of my life. When people get really drunk they are not themselves. I think the most important thing in this is can he stop from getting drunk and just either stay sober or keep it down to 2 to 4 drinks. Trust me it gets much worse the older you get with drinking. Was it a one time thing. Also the hitting thing is really really bad if it happens even just one more time then I think you have to leave no matter what. When you leave you have to cut it off completely for at least a few months. If you're not going back you have to stop talking to him and let both of you get over this. I wish you well no matter how this turns out.
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