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anonymous
writes: I have a friend who is increasingly becoming very "down on herself" which is highly unusual and I worry about her. She is a caring, fun gal (mid-40's)She's always savored life and is so positive. What is bothering is how people she comes into contact with...treat her with disrespect, for no apparent reason (I have witnessed this and it's disturbing) Women her age look down their nose at her and men flirt shamelessly with her and she hates that. She is a beautiful woman on the outside and a gem of a person on the inside. She lives a clean, happy lifestyle. She rollerblades, walks and bikes to stay in shape. As a result, she looks 10 younger as she works out and takes care of herself. Whenever she's in a social setting, she's smiles, laughs and behaves with class and respect. Many women, give her the once over, they look and treat her awfully. And the ones she does talk to, act very "insincere and intimidated" by her happy demeanor & bubbliness. I am shocked at how some men treat her when we are out in public, young men refer to her as "cougar babe". Older men stare & leer at her and many do this right in the presence of their wives. NAturally, she hates it..so much so she never wants to go anywhere, lately. She claims this behaviour is disrespectful and demeaning to her, as a person.I adore her..she's been my friend for 18 years and I hate to see her losing her zest for life..she's loving and loyal to the core. This lady would give her last dime to someone in need that she cared about.But her one drawback is she's too nice and she's become overly sensitive. I hate to see her this way. She had a hard life..she's a cancer survivor, her hubby (after 23 years of marriage) left her suddenly simply because he said "he couldn't handle the marriage thing anymore and wanted to date other women" (this hurt her very badly). She got over that and is now dating a nice fellow. She's been dedicated and wonderful to her 3 adult children.She has a full life and I hate to see this depressiontake over her. She's not in menopause so we ruled that out. I've suggested counselling but she refuses.How can I persuade her to seek some help? She does have that old fashioned notion...that this will fix itself and it will go away. She's always been so strong..but it seems lately, the adversity of life really gets to her and she's not herself anymore. Anyone got any good advice and thoughts, that I cantell her..to help her.Thanks
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (20 July 2005):
 It strikes me that your beautiful friend is encountering difficulties because she is a lovely person inside and out. Others can feel extremely threatened and intimidated by this. Not only does she look gorgeous but she is sensitive, caring, bubbly, cheerful...there must be so many who would love to be in her company but unfortunately, she brings out their insecurities. They can't handle this and as a result, treat her badly, look down their noses at her and can even be malicious.
I hope your friend realises that it is this and not anything that is wrong with her. Despite the fact that she is so lovely, it seems her confidence is low and needs boosting. She has had a bad experience where she was rejected and that can affect self-esteem.
I think she needs to look at the positives in her life and focus on them frequently. She has you, a marvellous friend who really cares for her. She has her partner who is decent. She has her family. She has her health as she is a cancer survivor and it sounds like she lives a full life. She is very lucky indeed to have these things. Instead of looking at those horrible people who are disrectful and demeaning to her, she should look at the ones who love her and care for her. She shouldn't be losing her zest for life, she should be ignoring anyone who is unpleasent to her. They aren't worth the time of day. Instead, she should be making the most of all she has got.
If anything physical has been ruled out and she refuses to see a counsellor, there isn't much else you can do but allow her to look at life in a new light and not to get bogged down by other people. It just isn't worth it.
You say the adversity of life but apart from these unpleasant poeple that affect her, I can't see what else is wrong with her life. She shouldn't be down on herself as she should realise that these people are only that way because she is beautiful and has a lot to give. They are simply jealous.
Help her to see the good in life as she has that in abundence and stop allowing petty people to bring her down. Instead, she should spend her time with people who genuinely care about her.
I hope this helps.
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