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It's our old home where we used to live together. What message is he sending me: he has clearly been visiting the place for sex with a new girl. Why leave evidence?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Sex, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 October 2012) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 October 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I split up with my boyfriend and he's been begging me back for months

I recently started communicating with him again as I wanted to try and have a friendship and he agrees he wanted the same .

We both have keys to our home which we shared and he has recently started dating again.

I've noticed that he leaves evidence of the fact he and his new girlfriend have sex and find it strange he doesn't have sex with her in what used to be our bed room and our bed

Instead he only uses the spare room ( which looks like a hotel room as he's removed all my things from it.

When we were together we had separate rooms most of the time . I find this behaviour strange can anyone shed some light on this

View related questions: split up

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (11 October 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntwhy does he have a key to the home... you two have broken up correct?

are you both living in the same house? if so one of you has to move.. if he does not live there with you CHANGE the LOCKS...

problem solved.

Are you are hoping we will say that he lives evidence of him having sex with her as a way to get you jealous...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (11 October 2012):

Honeypie agony auntWhy is he begging for you to come back if he already has a GF? Does he want to have you on the side or what?

And why did you keep a key ? And why do you go "visit" the house? That seems iffy to me. He is WITH someone else.

I suggest that you give the key back (unless you still are part-owner) if that is the case, well I would ask him to buy your half or sell the house.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (11 October 2012):

person12345 agony auntI think he's just not thinking about it, he has a new girlfriend and has moved on. He likely removed your things because he doesn't want his new girlfriend to be bothered.

If you can you should probably move out.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (11 October 2012):

oldbag agony auntHi

He probably doesn't give it much thought, just does the deed and leaves as is. Men are not the most domestic creatures.If he's sending a message intentionally or not,its that he has moved on.

If it bothers you just leave a note asking him to tidy up after himself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012):

"I recently started communicating with him again as I wanted to try and have a friendship and he agrees he wanted the same."

Huge, huge, HUGE mistake. If ex has been "begging [you] back for months" then he doesn't want a friendship, he wants to get back under your skin and you are playing right into his hands.

"I've noticed that he leaves evidence of the fact he and his new girlfriend have sex and find it strange he doesn't have sex with her in what used to be our bed room and our bed

"Instead he only uses the spare room ( which looks like a hotel room as he's removed all my things from it.

"When we were together we had separate rooms most of the time . I find this behaviour strange can anyone shed some light on this"

He's playing mind games with you. He wants you to believe he's not having sex with his new girlfriend in his and your former room and bed, and he's seemingly only having sex with her in your depersonalized former separate room (if he's having sex with her at all) in order to make you think you're still "special."

I suspect he sending some sort of sick, twisted message meant to shamelessly play to your ego and vanity, in effect telling you that you should be flattered that he thinks that the girl he's supposedly banging now isn't as good as you, so you should accept his implied offer to "take you back."

He hasn't given up on weaseling his way back into his affections and conning you back into his bed. That you still want "to try and have a friendship" in the face of such brazen disrespect unfortunately suggests to me that you haven't learned and you're headed right back into an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship with charming con artist and controlling scumbag.

If you're smart, then you'll end the charade and cease all contact. If not, then you'll only have yourself to blame when things go sour again.

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