A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. I am 32 and he is 37. Both of us never been married without children. He is being kind of pushy lately about us progressing forward. Meaning wanting to move in together, looking for rings, and talking about marriage. He said he is getting old and does not want to waste time and even put a timeline on it. I would have to sell my home and find a different job.(He lives in a diff city 40 mins away). All very huge things. I find this a lot of pressure on me and it is not that I won't ever marry him, but it has only been 5 months and I feel we are still getting to know one another and to be honest, there are some red flags I have noticed. No..I am not waiting to break it off but just proceed with caution I guess. One of my concerns is that he smokes in his house. I do not smoke and he knows I am allergic and that the smell bothers me. I have never told him he had to quit smoking ever, but I have said I cannot live in a house with second hand smoke. So he would have to smoke outside, or in the garage if we lived together. I don't think that is being unfair, but he seems to get pissy when I mention that.I feel like he wants me to move in, but just live his life the same way he is now. And I even said before if it is important to him to always smoke in the house then he should probably date a smoker and not me who cannot handle it. That is just one issue. Any thoughts or advice??
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (12 January 2015):
Move in with you boyfriend, or move in with your husband...which sounds better?
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 January 2015):
 My take on this is... that YOU don't like smoking.... and HE smokes. THAT (alone) would be a "deal-breaker" for me.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 January 2015):
Five months is not enough time.
No one should ever pressure you with their own goals and dreams.
It is hard to gauge if his actions are genuine, reason being he might just say anything you want to hear just so he can meet his goals.
I do not think he knows you well enough other than you might be good looking.
If these are things he wants "now" then I think it might be best to jump ship...the things he wants, you can not give him. And the patience you want does not exist in his goals. You will not make him happy staying in the relationship hoping he will change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): "I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months. I am 32 and he is 37. Both of us never been married without children. He is being kind of pushy lately about us progressing forward. Meaning wanting to move in together, looking for rings, and talking about marriage. He said he is getting old and does not want to waste time and even put a timeline on it."
Massive red flags. Where is the mention of love, his feelings for you? The special person that you are to him and how he feels his life would be enriched by your presence 24/7. Nope, it's all about him. A kind and unselfish man would not put pressure on you like this. There would be sweet hints, maybe joke about it, a surprise proposal, but not pressure. HE is getting old? WTH? A TIMELINE?
Be VERY careful... 5 months is nothing.... what if you get pregnant quickly as well? It took me 2-3 years to find out my fiance was a using and emotionally and financially abusive, selfish and lazy idiot (I ignored the red flags) who, when he found out I was pregnant, after going on about marriage and babies, was just not interested and some 10 minutes after showing him the positive test, asked me if he could borrow £100! His interest in having a commitment from me was to secure financial stability and in reality he never thought I would fall pregnant. I miscarried but that's another story. We were also long distance. He never came to help me and he never came to help me 6 months later when I was really sick. I should have known from the way he treated his ex-wife and she had said he was never interested in their child. I never believed her, I had to learn the hard way I guess.
Never ignore warning signs or your intuition, your gut. This man sounds very selfish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): You should never feel pressured to commit to someone and they should not be pressuring you. A commitment should always happen organically between two people. Why is he so keen to get you to give up everything to move to him. Be VERY careful, without being dramatic, I smell the tactics of someone who could be abusive. Once you have moved, those red flags you are noticing now actually turn into red alerts, by which time you are stuck without a job or your own place.
I was with someone who did this in the first 8 weeks! Turned out he had some VERY odd tendencies and a proclivity for very young girls. A lot of people locally knew this or simply said "!he's a weirdo" but nobody would ever actually come out and say it to me. I had red flags in the first couple of weeks with stuff he said and how he behaved. The talk of moving in, asking me if I wanted to change my name and walking up to jeweller's windows with me, giving me expensive gifts... all part of the tactics of someone who was "love bombing" me to secure my affections early on.
You don't seem to mention what your other red flags are other than smoking, his attitude to not smoking in a future shared home and his pressure on you to move in. To be honest, if there ARE others, you really do need to step back and use your head and not your heart. His attitude to not smoking in a shared home is worse than the actual smoking. A person who truly loved you and cared about your health would commit at least to smoking in one room only, to going outside when the weather is ok and to eventually giving up. I think part of the reason he wants YOU to move in with HIM is so he doesn't have to, but in your place he would need to go out. This smacks of an extremely selfish and entitled nature and not the sort of person you want to be giving everything up for. You would be giving up so much more and he can't even TRY to be accommodating about smoking? No, no, no.. HUGE red flag.
Be VERY careful. I think you have more to find out about this man. You are still very young, don't settle for crap.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 January 2015):
 To clarify (keyboard problem) I think only five months dating is NOT ENOUGH time to get to know each other.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 January 2015):
I think only five months of dating to know each other enough to contemplate moving in together.
I am wondering what the reason is that you, when the time comes, will be the one to quit your job, and sell your house and pack up your life and move.
Was there any discussion between the two of you that him selling and moving etc was another option?
Has there been discussion as to what happens to the proceeds from the sale of your home?
Have there been a discussion about what contribution you would be making towards his household if you move in?
Have you discussed a contingency plan if you agreed it was best for you to move and then failed to find another job within a set time frame?
If you move in and he has a timeframe, where does marriage fit into the picture?
Will you be moving away from an established life, friends and family etc, and has the possible effect of this on your emotional well being been discussed, along with possible solutions?
Lots of questions, maybe 12 months down the track these wont matter so much as you will know him a lot better (hopefully) by there, but for now, five months is pushing it in my view, and while women have a biological clock that needs to be acknowledged, men less so. What is his rush?
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (10 January 2015):
Well, i think you are being absolutely reasonable. You shouldn't get into anything unless and until you are ready for it.
I think it's best if you tell him you aren't ready yet. If he loves you, he will understand. After all you don't want to jump into a relationship just because time is running out.
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