A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for almost six years. A few weeks ago i checked his history on the computer and noticed he had been on quite a few porn sites and adult sex finder ads.When i asked him about this his response was he was only looking and didnt mean to look on the adult finder website when i said i dont believe him he got angry with me and said the same that he was only looking and didnt mean to.I said there is no need to look at porn as soon as i go out and that i dont mind us watching it together to which i got no reply. So, i just forgot about it but yesterday i checked his history again to find more porn and find sex in the uk websites. I havent mentioned it to him but i couldt help but be off with him when he got home from work.I find now that i just dont trust him and i feel really insecure.I must admit that before i found the first porn we only had sex a few times a month which was all down to me but since then we have almost every day so its not like he needs to look at it.I couldnt believe it when i found hes been looking again and he waits till im not around like when i went to bed for a couple of hours at the weekend because i had the flu he was looking at it then its like he cant wait till im out of the way then he looks at it.I thought our relationship was good he tells me everyday he loves me and fancys me so i dont know why he has to look at it. I just dont know what to do?
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male
reader, Blue Rat +, writes (15 February 2007):
Firstly, I think it's almost certain that his anger simply masked his embarrassment at being found out and confronted.Believe me, even as a fully grown adult, you can still feel like a naughty schoolboy when caught out like that! There is nothing wrong with looking at porn - almost all guys like to do it, regardless of the state of their sex-lives or indeed how sexy and attractive their own wife/partner may be. However, it is a question of degree, and also of how, well, almost sneakily he looks at it as soon as he gets the chance. He should have overcome his embarrassment at being "found out" by now, and your statement that you don't mind looking at it together should be very positive for him - he doesn't need to sneak a look when your back's turned, he doesn't need to be ashamed, it's not as if you've demostrated a puritannical approach or disgust at the whole subject. You've shown it's something you could share in and use to enhance your sex-life. By the way, even with your positive approach and a good sex life, he's almost certain to still enjoy the occasional private viewing, so don't expect a total eradication of the habit - but it should be more open and less frequent. I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy looking at porn (and I do have a partner and a very good sex-life!), so I'm no prude either, but he does seem to have an excessive interest in it.If it's difficult for him to talk about this with you, try another approach. Try emailing each other or writing down your thoughts and suggestions. It's not as silly as you might think. It gives each other time to consider what's being said, time to think about what they want to say in reply, it cuts down on possible confrontation, takes away the argumentative aspect and removes the pressure to reply instantly the way you have to in a discussion. Believe me, it really works - my partner and I have found it very beneficial when tackling difficult or sensitive problems.But however you tackle it, you do need to talk this out some more. Good luck.
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