| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: this may sound stupid, but i think i may have a problem with intimacy. not sex, but being emotionally close to another person. the reason i say this, is i've been "seeing" this guy for a coupld of months, which is basically just sex and talking...nothing more. until last night, i didnt think he wanted more (we had discussions of keeping things casual) and he said he randomly thinks about me during the day and says he tries to stop himself because he knows he shouldn't but cant help it. then he told me he was jelous if i was hooking up with other guys, though he shouldnt be. he has been saying all these strange things recently, and im scared he likes me. (mind you, im 21 , hes 23) but i've never been in a relationship, as i cant trust people easily. he basically hinted that we'd eventually be together, but i dont know if i can. sorry for the length, but i just wanted some opinons as to what to do. im curious what its like to be in a relationship but im so scared! its making my stomach feel sick and i cant stop thinking about it. thank you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 (ps, the book is by Harriet Lerner. She has a whole line of excellent self help books geared towards women! They are self-empowering as well as helpful with life's problems. :) )
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
Hi Anon,
This sounds like a very deep rooted problem you have, not being able to trust people. I suggest reading a book called "The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships."
Here's a description of the book:
"This sensible self-help book draws on family-systems therapy in recommending thoughtful "self-focus" for women stuck in difficult relationships with either mates or families. Emphasizing that "a truly intimate relationship is one in which we can be who we are, which means being open about ourselves," Lerner ( The Dance of Anger ; Women in Therapy ) highlights the importance of women defining themselves, their needs and limits, rather than reacting to anxiety unthinkingly--either by emotionally distancing themselves from problems or by overreacting. A staff psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic, Lerner illustrates her points with case studies from her family as well as her practice. To explore what unhelpful patterns of behavior may be passed down from past generations, she advises creating a genogram, or family diagram, going back to a person's grandparents or earlier. Lerner's book presumes at least an acquaintance with professional jargon but should be accessible to most readers of pop psychology."
If you look it up on amazon.com you can read some reviews. Some of the women who gave their reviews had similar problems as you do. (I read the book for other reasons and it really helped me learn how to cope with certain things and change for the better.)
Hope this helps! Take care. :)
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